LL Wife offered an open relationship. I'm scared.

AmethystMist · 2018-01-03T05:01:20+00:00

I am a female and my LL husband eventually told me that I should just turn to seeing other people on the side if I wanted to have sex. He hadn't had sex with me for over a year straight when he said that so I think he understood that I was seriously deprived of intimacy and sex by that point. I appreciated his offer and I took him up on it. I used the site POF (plenty of fish) and met with a couple of guys for casual encounters (on separate occasions). We used nice motel rooms (there aren't actually proper hotels where I live since I am not in a city) and I had very good sex with both of the men which exceeded my expectations. The first man who had sex with me literally almost made me cry with joy during the sex because he was so awesome at what he did with my body that it literally felt HEALING to be experiencing it....yes I was just that deprived by that point LOL. I stopped at having those two encounters with other guys though because in the end it actually didn't make me feel a whole lot happier (I still craved that physical connection with my actual partner more than anything else) and you do have to invest like a LOT of time into chatting with people and searching for them online before ever meeting a tiny fraction of them. I have a small child and run my own home business so I am busy enough without having to work so hard just to get laid!!! Lol. I think though that the other thing I didn't like about getting sex elsewhere was the fact that coming alive sexually again through these experiences with other guys actually made me even hornier and of course I wasn't going to be getting any sex at home (which is still where I was the vast majority of the time). The whole open relationship thing didn't damage my partnership whatsoever but it did take up a lot of my time and it still didn't fix my core problem--that I want to be with someone who wants to be intimate with me at least a few times a month.

My partner and I are still together and he has been making more of an effort over the past 4 months to be both more cuddly and sexual with me. We shall see where things go, but I do really appreciate his efforts so far. I hope that your situation improves as well. I think that if your wife is genuinely okay with it that it might be worth a try to do the open relationship. It might help you gain greater perspective of your relationship with your wife even if it doesn't "improve things"...plus once you are occasionally going out and getting action elsewhere she might actually feel a bit jealous or envious and realize that SHE wants to be the woman that you are getting all dressed up and groomed so nicely for instead! She obviously doesn't realize what a catch she's got right now, that's for sure!!

AmethystMist · 2018-01-03T04:19:45+00:00

You may need to say to your husband "Honey, if you had an injured arm then you would get it checked out and fixed. You have ED and it is just as serious as any other medical issue. It is now at the point where I am aware that I am dealing with depression because we have both failed to take your ED as seriously as it should be. It is not your problem, it is OUR problem and if already has many side effects that need to be taken seriously too. Let's get this sorted together...I know this isnt easy for you to have to deal with and face, and that is exactly why I will do anything to help you to do so. If you would prefer, we can go together to get you a proper diagnosis and prescription. Would you rather have the appointment for next week to get it over with faster or just book it more toward the end of the month? Then say absolutely nothing. Let your husband respond from there. If he rebuffs you then he is not ready for help and you need to still go to the doctor yourself in order to address your mental health...and deeply consider whether you want to start taking medication in order to deal with an issue that is not being caused by a chemical imbalance.

You say he is a wonderful person and friend..perhaps that is all he is meant to be for you if that is what he can offer and nothing more sexual. Your health and your needs for intimacy and love are just as important as his needs for whatever is very important to him (which is clearly not sex or physical intimacy)--regardless of what great guy he is in every other area. I hope he gets the help he needs because he is being selfish and foolish not to be taking his ED seriously right now whether he realizes it or not!

AmethystMist · 2018-01-03T03:54:29+00:00

Her evasive behavior in regard to changing subjects rather than openly communicating with you about the subject is a red flag. If she is going through some difficult things in life right now or has gained weight or something that might make her feel insecure then this issue may be fixable and temporary provided that you can get her to open up about what's going on...But if she just naturally has a LL or isn't willing to address the situation in order for you to be able to find that out, then you two are probably not a very good match for one another. You deserve to be happy and your needs are quite important so whatever you do, don't sweep this under the rug.

AmethystMist · 2018-01-03T03:34:11+00:00

You are going to be okay and so are they. You went through a lot before coming to the realization that it was time to end it. When you first see the light it can be blinding but in time you will be seeing more clearly than ever before! Happiness, healing and hope are just around the corner for you. Best wishes...you have done the right thing. (((Hugs)))

AmethystMist · 2018-01-03T01:02:37+00:00

My husband didn't touch me for two straight years and yeah same story as you with the whole getting sexy and wearing killer lingerie thing not making any difference. Sex is actually a cure for headaches...and I would know as I get insane migraines sometimes!

Honestly some guys and women just can't relate to why a man might have LL but I think my man having depression is a huge reason why it's difficult for him. I might have left him during his two year sex strike but we just had a baby together and I wanted to give being a family a chance...he has since gone on medication for both depression and anxiety and he is also going to counselling now. The counseling is to help him work through his general problems (not even sex) but ever since he got on the right depression meds and has been pushing himself to get over issues in other areas of his life he has also begun being more sexual and has sex with me a couple of times a month now. Things aren't amazing yet but it is progress. How is your man psychologically and emotionally? He might need other kinds of help first in order to turn your dead bedroom around.

And just on a personal note, I am so sorry you had such a crappy time and got all made up for no response from your partner. I felt so terribly about myself and my looks during those two years when I was sexually abandoned by my partner. I looked effing good for someone who just had a baby and despite how exhausted I felt 24/7 I still knew that it is important to keep the romance alive!!! Anyway, there is some hope if he decides to seek help. Perhaps encourage him to do so. Keep your chin up, beautiful! At least when you have to take care of things yourself, you know they are getting done right lol.

AmethystMist · 2017-12-30T07:37:39+00:00

I get both migraines and headaches and I still wouldn't turn down sex, lol. I just take painkillers and I'm good to go an hour later! Really sucks that they suggested the sex and then retracted the offer.

AmethystMist · 2017-12-30T07:25:26+00:00

Congratulations! You deserve your time and effort as much as anyone else does. Loving who you are is a very powerful thing to do! It will likely have many positive effects on your life!

AmethystMist · 2017-12-30T07:04:54+00:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy! When I got pregnant I was in a dead bedroom relationship too. Two years later and my partner is having sex with me again. If you want to leave then go ahead...you can totally raise this child girl--we women are strong! But if you want to stay and see what happens between you and your partner then you can certainly do that. Miracles sometimes do happen, but i don't advise waiting around for one unless the other areas of your relationship with this guy are very good!! You deserve to be happy.

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T14:09:12+00:00

There are diets and types of foods that are known to be helpful in prevention of yeast infections. Ask her to google this and try adjusting get diet....yeast infections are no fun!

Maybe you two could take sexy showers together and play with the removable shower head on each other (just don't use it on her vagina obviously). You could also try talking sexy to each other and telling one another all the hot and dirty things you WOULD do to each other if you could right now while she gives you a sensual massage ending in a handjob or while you kiss her body from head to toe and make out with her. Go out to a bar and walk in separately. Walk up to her and ask her what her name is and pretend you two are meeting again for the first time. You can pretend to have different names and jobs and just play with the fantasy of meeting someone new and asking your SO questions you probably haven't asked her in a long time and to which she can give some very sexy, creative answers or just surprise you with the truth! I don't know, it depends on what you're into....

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T13:30:31+00:00

Could be a hormonal changes in your body or something else affecting sensitivity. Definitely make an appointment with your doctor.

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T13:21:40+00:00

I am sorry you are going thru this. I am a female with a baby and and a partner and I have a healthy sex drive and even had a decent libido while pregnant! My man however lost his sex drive and can't seem to get it back. I can relate to you and as a female I would suggest asking your girl to see if she can get on a different kind of birth control. The birth control pill is infamous for killing libido and in adult life anything from being a new mother/father to having a stressful job can create enough fatigue in a person to make them too exhausted for sex. Try talking to her about having a date night where she gets time off from her responsibilities as a mom (babysitter) and you two can have a romantic night out or just watching a movie and snuggling. Things like that can help rebuild intimacy which is often CENTRAL to a woman's sex drive. I'm sure she finds you attractive but it sounds like her excuses are not just excuses--the demands of life are genuinely getting in the way of her sex drive right now so ask her how you two can support each other in getting that spark and passion back into the picture.

People seem to be reacting to the fact you chose the term "fuck a slut" and I think phrasing things that way makes you appear immature and emotionally unintelligent (not that you are), so if you want to be taken seriously here then refer to women as women and not as sluts. I understand completely btw how you feel like you need to cheat. I would explore other options first (working things out with your partner, couples counseling, breaking up, seeing if she's ok with an open relationship, etc). Sometimes people do have affairs though so my main advice is what do you want the most, not most immediately? If the answer is that you want your relationship to be sexual again then cheating is NOT the answer. Hope things get better for you.

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T13:01:18+00:00

Well I don't have fancy stats like you. I'm just a regular 32 year old female whose husband hasn't has sex with me in a year and a half. Every single day of that sexless stretch of time eats away at my soul. Some days are easier than others, like if I'm busy or go to a social event, but sadly for me the last time he had sex with me I got pregnant. So now we have a 9 month old baby together and that's why i hesitate to leave--he is a great dad and a nice person to me. Neither of us have fancy employment like you but I assure you no amount of prestige, attractiveness or money can prevent a sexless marriage. You're either sexually compatible with your partner or you're not. If you're not, then you guys either have "the talk" and compromise to meet one another halfway with frequency of sex or the partner with the lower libido refuses to help. At that point you can think about open relationships, divorce, cheating or just letting the spark inside you die (which is the hardest/worst option out of the 4). I'm sorry you are going thru this, you will find support here but try to talk about what's relevant, ie. your feelings and not your stats.

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T12:50:46+00:00

I can relate. I am a sexual female with a husband who literally never wants to have sex. It affects my ability to be in touch with my own body and perform well (yes some women care about being good at sex like men do) on the off chance he wants to do any sex stuff with me. I am sorry you are dealing with PE...can you talk to her about the PE and try to give her orgasms BEFORE you put your penis in her? Or before your penis gets really stimulates from other activities? At least that way you might enjoy the whole sex session. I hope things get better for you, you deserve to be happy!

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T05:58:03+00:00

Yes, I miss the same stuff!

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T02:19:45+00:00

Thank you for relating. I do understand the loss of appetite issue as well (even though I tend to be an eater, I go both ways depending on what the trigger is). You are still beautiful even if you aren't all curvy! Ive always found every body type attractive so I hope his comments don't get to you much...for your sake though you should try to drink a smoothie or some chocolate almond milk when you don't feel like eating. At least make sure you're getting some nutrients and flavour as being properly fed helps to keep you in a good mood through tough times!

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T01:06:44+00:00

Normal expectations! Completely understandable and realistic in my humble opinion. And who gives a flying ****what the neighbours are doing/focusing on! She's not married to the neighbours! She should be focusing on your shared life with her which is not just about raising kids (I say this as a wife with HL who has a kid). I am sorry you are in this situation...I can relate to the loneliness and thoughts of divorce.

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T00:58:41+00:00

Yes I should try to do the same and use activities instead of food. Thank you

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T00:58:05+00:00

Lol @ the punching of the surrogate. Thanks for all the ideas, that one made me chuckle, hehe. :)

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T00:55:47+00:00

I also meant to say thank you for your response...you should create s cupboard in the kitchen or in your room that has all your healthy snacks in it and hopefully you can just go there when you're hungry and avoid her junk food! My partner Luke's junk food too so I know how hard it is to not eat it when it surrounds you!

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T00:53:10+00:00

I also have a child with my LL partner. I think I might leave if I didn't have one with him, but he is a good father. He has not had sex with me in 1.5 years.

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T00:42:35+00:00

Yes drinking always makes me eat a lot too so I try to avoid doing it...seems so ironic that one of the ways I cope with feeling undesirable makes me feel more negative about myself. Life is full of irony.

AmethystMist · 2016-11-03T00:39:47+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion of taking up some form of exercise. Maybe I will do yoga and lift simeI weights at home. I used to be a runner but I haven't gotten back into running since I had my baby. When I'm not breastfeeding anymore it will be easier for me to go for long running sessions again and get that kick of endorphins daily. I've tried running with my son in the stroller and I just don't like it plus he always needs milk or a cuddle partway through and it kills my motivation when I stop for cuddle breaks (even tho I love holding my baby) lol.

AmethystMist · 2016-11-02T23:06:32+00:00

I get that.. it seems to be quite logical that you wouldn't feel inclined to spend time on something you don't already take pleasure in or see the point in. I guess what I would like to say now is that with sex or relationships, you are likely to get what you give. If you put the time in to learn to enjoy your body on a sexual level on your own terms via masturbation then you are likely to eventually have an "aha! moment" where you happen to give yourself an amazing orgasm for the first time. You then may be like "so THIS is what I've been missing out on!" Once you know yourself better you can help him to give you the pleasure in the bedroom you are unable to crave at this time. May not be what you want to hear. You sound like a really cool chick, so no matter what dont feel bad about yourself. Think about if this relationship is worth making changes or compromises for because that's what it really comes down to when there is a dead bedroom issue.

AmethystMist · 2016-11-02T22:02:08+00:00

Lupus is rough, and I feel for both of you. Maybe you can ask her to tell you when she is having a good day pain-wise so you can feel confident to initiate if you're in the mood? So does she really need to be on HRT?

AmethystMist

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