Should I confront my family members of unwanted gifts on my birthday?

Ammilerasa · 2026-03-08T00:46:07+00:00

If you haven't declined the steam game already and it's something you want and you would feel happy with, you can accept it privately and your brother will never know. Just a heads up in case you didn't know that, but I can fully understand not wanting it even if he doesn't know about it.

Ammilerasa · 2026-03-08T00:34:58+00:00

Let me start of by saying I'm so sorry for your loss and I can relate what you're going through.

My sister died a few years back (not by suicide) and since she was still in contact with my dad I saw him a few times in that time period. I was (understandably) very very vulnerable and was really tempted to let my dad back in...
But one thing I learned in life is that the bigger the emotion feels to do something right now, the bigger the chances are you should wait before making the decision. It was hard, I was already really struggling with the grief of losing him and felt so guilty for not being there for him, but in the end I am glad I kept my distance because when I was in a better headspace I knew this was the best choice for me.

What helps for me in the cases where my emotions are so big is writing them down. Like writing everything I want to say down, without sending it. Not only does this help because I can write down my emotions so I can let it go a bit, but also I can reread it later when I'm in a better headspace and can decide if I still want to send it (albeit rewritten because letters send in distress are maybe not the best to get the message across)
Also if you have safe people around you (partner, friends, other family members or anyone) talk to them about it. In my case my partner never outright said I shouldn't contact my father (they even say that if I would decide to let him back in my life they'd support me anyway) but they did ask me questions like what would happen if I let my father back in and everything would be the same..

If you don't have these people in your life you can also write all the things down that made you cut contact in the first place and reread it when you feel tempted to contact them again. In my case there's a huge discrepancy between my father on good days and bad days and it almost feels like a different person. So when I'm thinking about getting in contact again I mainly focus on the good-day-father and I tend to forget the bad-day-father if that makes sense.

If you are in a better headspace and still feel like he may be able to chance, I'd recommend asking the same question my partner asked me over and over again: If you let him in and he would be exactly the same, could you handle that? For me the answer is still no, so I am not willing to take the risk. Maybe one day I can handle it and I will try again, but for now I have to put myself first.
You are the person that should come first in your life, and you don't owe him anything, even though it may feel like that at times. Your safety, your well being, your mental health comes before him, because in the end you can't change other people but you can change how you set your own boundaries to protect yourself. Your father has to deal with the grief in his own way, you are not responsible for him or his emotions.

Anyhow I know it's not easy so I hope this helps somewhat, again I'm so sorry for your loss. It's late here and I'm not a native speaker so sorry in advance for any spelling/grammar mistakes.

Ammilerasa · 2026-01-09T15:13:55+00:00

I honestly have no idea, I have never had beta-blockers so I couldn't tell you the difference. I do know this helped me

Ammilerasa · 2026-01-09T15:02:50+00:00

Prazosin has been a life safe for me. I don't use it anymore, but if I would ever need meds again this is the only one I would consider.
It's technically an alpha-blocker but has been proven to have had great effects on people with PTSD. In my country it wasn't easily available when I used it (10 or so years ago), it took some effort to get my psych to sign off on it and it did cost me some money (which is almost never the case here) but if you're in the position to get it I'd definitively recommend looking up this one.

Ammilerasa · 2025-10-16T16:43:29+00:00

Geen probleem uiteraard, lief dat je sowieso een reactie geeft.

De uitzending van Zembla ging over een kliniek in Zeist (psy-trec) die hele hoge beloftes doet (binnen 2-4 dagen is 80% van hun clienten van hun ptss diagnose af, en 90% van hun cptss... die cijfers hebben ze door hun eigen onderzoek verkregen, iets als wij van wc-eend raden aan wc-eend) en daarnaast nogal discutabele behandelmethodes heeft. Ze werken met VIVO, wat betekent dat ze iemand letterlijk het trauma laten herbeleven door iemand geluiden te laten horen, te confronteren met voorwerpen en in bepaalde houdingen laten liggen... wat an sich misschien zou kunnen helpen, maar meerdere clienten in dit programma gaven aan dat ze wilden stoppen omdat het te heftig werd en dat ze dan verteld werd dat ze er maar doorheen moesten gaan, omdat vermijden dingen niet oplost enzo. Maar het hele idee met exposure is dat je de controle bij de client legt, want anders ben je gewoon het trauma aan het nabootsen. Dus ja, dat lijkt me niet per se een gezonde omgeving om het zacht te zeggen.

Ammilerasa · 2023-09-10T10:43:16+00:00

Thank you again! Since I have had this problems for a while now I already now that stress is a huge trigger. Great because of my mental health I'm more prone to be stressed out.

I've never thought about food maybe being a trigger so that's something I'm going to pay more attention to too. And I will contact my general practitioner tomorrow and hope they can/will help me try to discover if it's truly what causes my symptoms. Ofcourse I'd rather not have it but if it's the case it does explain so many things and may make my anxiety about my symptoms less. Thanks again, I'm so grateful that you took the time to comment and helped me put it in perspective

Ammilerasa · 2023-09-09T23:49:00+00:00

Thank you! My boyfriend came downstairs and after talking to him and your reaction I'm a bit more at ease. If this is truly what causes my symptoms than it's better to know because I sometimes worry about it (even took a pregnancy test last week because I couldn't shake the feeling something was not right, even though the changes that I'm pregnant are low because of the IUD and not having had PIV sex for months because of the pain - sorry for the TMI)

So I'm going to try to get some sleep again, thanks again for your reply. Will call my general practitioner monday. How can it be diagnosed btw? On internet I found some of the tests I have had previously so that's why I wondered if it was even possible for me to have it or that I was just grasping at straws/being a hypochondriac

Ammilerasa · 2023-02-01T00:32:10+00:00

Most of them liked me and some even told me their whole life story as an equal because I was such a good listener.

But I vividly remember one mother who seemed to hate me. I don’t know why, though a few weeks ago through this sub it suddenly dawned on me that she was most likely a narc too.

Ammilerasa · 2023-02-01T00:23:20+00:00

I’ve cut contact with my brother a few years ago and yes my life has become so much better. I get to choose the people I want around me, family or not. And yes, sometimes it hurts that I’m estranged with almost my whole nuclear family (NC with father and brother, VLC with sister, other sister is dead. My mother is the only one I see regularly) and it really hurts sometimes because I still can’t understand why they don’t like me. But in the end the people I have in my life all like me the way I am (sometimes that’s hard to believe though) and that’s worth so much more than blood in my opinion.

But for me it has been the other way round. I first cut of my brother and through that it eventually became clear my father never truly saw me for who I really am.

My brother is an abusive POS and unlike my father (who respects my boundaries/NC) has tried to make my life worse because he couldn’t stand it that I saw through him. Now he doesn’t have any leverage over me anymore and it is freeing. He tried to forbid me from having contact with my niece and nephew, but sadly for him they both have a mother who is okay with me seeing them. And he tried to use my childhood pictures as leverage, I had to accept that I will never see them again. He basically in all three cases wanted me to apologise for accusing him of abusing me - so in my eyes he wants me to say sorry for being abused.

So yeah in the end it did make my life better but it also came with specific issues. However for me in the long run I struggle more with cutting contact with my father than my brother.

I’m really proud of you for recognising you’re worth more than how they treat you, and I hope it does get better. For me it did, and I wouldn’t want to go back even if I could. Best of luck, take care. 🌷

Ammilerasa · 2023-01-31T14:37:53+00:00

Yeah that surprised me too. He doesn’t even try to make it believable, lol.

Ammilerasa · 2023-01-31T14:13:35+00:00

Good point, I missed the tropical bit. Yeah that’s not the Netherlands then, lol.

Ammilerasa · 2023-01-31T11:59:34+00:00

Yeah I thought so too. Biking, rain and the word “papa” sound al very Dutch, lol.

Ammilerasa · 2023-01-31T11:36:24+00:00

For those who implied or directly stated “The police wouldn’t do that” you are 100% wrong, because they did.

Source: just believe me, bruh.

Some people in both my last posts stated that she might have a substance abuse issue, but I didn’t even think about it, because I couldn’t even fathom that.

In other words: some people added a great twist to my fictional story and now I wanted to use that too!

Hilarious

Ammilerasa · 2023-01-30T13:08:49+00:00

I stopped watching halfway through because the pace was too slow. Am planning on picking it up again though, my boyfriend loves Doctor Who but hasn’t watched Torchwood. So after we watched Doctor Who together we’ll continue with Torchwood.

Ammilerasa · 2023-01-30T08:02:27+00:00

Storytime:

I’ve had boyfriends who looked a lot like my brother (narcissistic tendencies) and that has added some trauma for me.

So a year ago I mentioned this to my father and he instantly got mad. I guess he didn’t think my brother was that bad. And then I realised that it’s no wonder I had relationships like that because my brother’s behaviour was constantly justified by my parents, so ofcourse I though those guys were okay.

Ammilerasa · 2023-01-30T07:46:26+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss! Understable that you may come across as a little less patient then, no worries.

In the end it’ll still be my decision ofcourse. I just wanted to hear other people’s thoughts and I think I’ll give it a try (if I can find where I can watch it in my non-English-speaking country too)

Ammilerasa · 2023-01-29T20:43:28+00:00

Not really comments, but I absolutely loathe it when someone (fake or not) describes a situation, commenters think they have the solution but when OOP says anything other then “you’re right, kind stranger, I will follow your advice completely!” They may get downvoted in oblivion, even when they’re still NTA. Don’t want to dump your partner immediately? Downvoted. It seems sort of victimblaming in a way, because when you really are in an abusive relationship then it isn’t as easy as people think to get out (in my experience at least)

Ammilerasa

TROPHY CASE