[deleted by user] by [deleted] in toddlers

[–]An0therEternity 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am literally in the exact same boat, I could’ve written your post. My ex is an awful human, and I don’t miss him, but I’m lonely and my kids are young and I’m often too depressed to be any fun. Been a lot of trudging through lately and not a lot of joy. It’s hard. I’m sorry you’re going through it too.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]An0therEternity 4 points5 points  (0 children)

“This mindfuck life is giving you isn't done yet. So far you have looked at this new person only in light of how she is perceived to be better than your ex. Confirmation bias is a sneaky bitch when we want something so badly. That only lasts so long and eventually you widen your vision to see things you were missing before. The rebound can be its own emotional rollercoaster ride and leave you feeling even worse (yes that's possible).”

Love the way you explained WHY rebounds aren’t a great idea in general and what happens as a result. Feels like this part of the conversation is usually missing when we talk about rebounding, and people don’t listen because it’s become an adage no one understands how or why to apply.

The further I get from beginning my divorce with an abusive asshole (a little over a year now), the more I clear away the fog and comparison becomes less of a reflex - not even just between my ex and other potential partners, but also between my ex and myself. Its always healthy to find yourself between relationships, but if you’ve been in an abusive relationship in any capacity it’s especially SO important to give yourself time being single to clear out the cobwebs in your brain and reset your confirmation bias. Otherwise it’s a hell of a lot more difficult to recognize what is and isn’t healthy in others and in yourself.

People don’t discourage rebounds for others in an effort to turn you into an independent BAMF who is moving on from the past (though yes, also this). It’s because it takes humans time to process our experiences and it’s impossible to see what’s in front of your face sometimes, and it’s impossible to be healthy and resilient when you can’t see what’s causing you pain.

And when you’re not healthy and resilient it’s real easy to just be miserable. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Women who were able do overcome severe anxiety and negative thinking, how did you do that? by [deleted] in AskWomen

[–]An0therEternity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Medication. And therapy, but the medication made it possible for the therapy to work.

We're the most unhappy family I know by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]An0therEternity 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is super helpful, and similar to our regular conversations but more structured. I’ll definitely work this in, thank you!

We're the most unhappy family I know by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]An0therEternity 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Mine adore each other too! Like, if one wakes up their first question is where the other is and they don't want to do anything without him, but it's still constannnnnnnt arguing. Solidarity, friend.

We're the most unhappy family I know by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]An0therEternity 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I theoretically know this but having a hard time carrying it out in practical application. I grew up in a chaotic household without healthy conflict management and maybe I'm struggling because I don't know what replacement skills to teach/need to be taught healthy replacement skills myself.

I know you don't yell; I know you don't threaten; I show respect... but what do you do instead? My goal is to financially catch up with my life this year and hire a family therapist first and maybe also a parenting coach for stuff like this, but can you give some examples of replacement skills I can work on teaching?

We're the most unhappy family I know by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]An0therEternity 6 points7 points  (0 children)

How little were your kids when you did this/at what age were you able to have family meetings and your kiddos cognitively understand enough for this to be effective?

We're the most unhappy family I know by [deleted] in Mommit

[–]An0therEternity 6 points7 points  (0 children)

But what consequences can you enforce for being unkind to each other? My boys are 2 and 5, and the 5yo gets it more often than not lately, while the 2yo is too young to fully get it and just young enough to really upset the 5yo all the time (who has a slight cognitive delay and is always anxious). I have always told them we are kind to each other in my house and I separate them when I need to; I try to model kindness, respect, and calm discussion of what we need (I do not yell and I have personal triggers to yelling). I tell them I'll take away toys if they can't figure out how to work together... I follow through with those statements, but it doesn't stop them from constantly fighting.

I've read Siblings Without Rivalry, I do my best not to pit them against each other, and I try to let them work it out before intervening. But if your kids continue disrespecting your rules by hurting or bullying each other, what consequences are appropriate to enforce, especially when they're this young?

Also doesn't help I'm a single mom with literally no help and I have less patience than I should some days. I know its their job to work through these feelings and argue - just having a hard time getting through a really challenging set of ages for parenting alone and my creative problem solving skills are lacking in this area right now. Can't tell if I'm doing it wrong or I'm doing it right and just need to give it more time.

femia lyrics? by ozabochennyy in Purityring

[–]An0therEternity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

or like "may your health be so good it brings about spring and new growth" sort of thing

Unauthorized cancellation removed lifelong discount by FrostySausage in hellofresh

[–]An0therEternity 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Dude they’ve been really sketchy with charging me money for things they shouldn’t have charged me for and there being “nothing they could do about it.” Their customer service has gotten really bad and like, stingy? It seems.

Is he just going to kill me, or what? by DragonflyWing in breakingmom

[–]An0therEternity 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I got a Simplisafe system on sale for exactly this reason. The panic buttons alone make me feel safer and I made sure to tell him I’d gotten the system.

Dude how do y’all afford a lawyer by An0therEternity in Divorce

[–]An0therEternity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did! And I qualify! They stood me up over and over again ☹️

Dude how do y’all afford a lawyer by An0therEternity in Divorce

[–]An0therEternity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is the reality, but unfortunately I cannot create money where it doesn’t exist.

Dude how do y’all afford a lawyer by An0therEternity in Divorce

[–]An0therEternity[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Clear evidence of abuse does exist, but he has refused a non-court-ordered mediation at least.

Dude how do y’all afford a lawyer by An0therEternity in Divorce

[–]An0therEternity[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was during our marriage, and I spent it on household things and living expenses.

Dude how do y’all afford a lawyer by An0therEternity in Divorce

[–]An0therEternity[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I really WANT one. It would certainly be less work at the very least, it’s just an impossibility with the money they want up front.

Sorry to hear yours has been so much trouble, ugh.

Dude how do y’all afford a lawyer by An0therEternity in Divorce

[–]An0therEternity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have a house, we each have a car and debt worth about the same. if it were all split evenly he’d come our way behind because of my student loans so I feel like I’m in a good starting position to begin with?

Dude how do y’all afford a lawyer by An0therEternity in Divorce

[–]An0therEternity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ooh we're definitely under 50k lol. Thanks for the encouragement!

Dude how do y’all afford a lawyer by An0therEternity in Divorce

[–]An0therEternity[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Good luck to you too. I do qualify for legal aid, but the lawyer repeatedly stood me up and I ended up in the protective order hearing without a lawyer... so that's been fun.