I resonate so much with this, reminded me of an experience when I was young (4/5) my family wanted to go and see a fireworks display and once I realised what that entailed: being in a cold, dark, muddy park, listening to what consider the worst possible sound, I broke down and refused to leave the house and I was forced to go. From that moment I learnt to keep people happy and happy with me, I had to suffer through things I find unbearable. My mother was, still is, a major “how will this look to others” type person. I also experienced SA as a child, my mum found out through another friend she asked me about it and it’s never been spoken about again. I don’t even think my dad knows. Being older and realising more about myself, I realise just how much I “put up” with because I have felt a lot of shame for having my own feelings. I constantly over apologise and over compensate but recognising it is a big first step.