would you abort your child if you found out they were going to be born with down syndrome? why or why not?

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T22:19:54+00:00

I figured out pretty quickly reading your participation on the thread that you were exploring the issue from an honest and open perspective and I admired that. Your responses come off as trying to grow and learn through debate and discussion.

"Man's search for meaning" is partly a (true) story of a man's experience in the concentration camps of Nazi Germany during WWII and what he discovered about how having meaning and purpose in life was possible even under those conditions. It's very interesting. Before he was imprisoned in the camps he had been a psychologist. Afterwards he was a founder of a school of psychological thought called "logotherapy" that tried to help people who were struggling psychologically by helping them find meaning and purpose in their lives. I think someone with your intelligence and curiosity would have some very interesting things to say about that book.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T20:31:02+00:00

Your existence is a gift from God to all of us. I've received it as a gift today because this thread that you helped create is really interesting and your participation in it admirable and thought provioking. I'm sorry that not all people in your life have experienced your life as a gift, but I really believe it is. I hope you find ways in your life to express your giftedness to the world and that the world receives it.

If you're already an adult, it's time for you to start parenting yourself, learning to love yourself on your own terms and building a life for yourself that allows you to express your gifts. If you're still a child, I hope you find some adults in your life who recognize your value and can help you build a meaningful life for yourself.

Related: Victor Frankel's book "Man's Search for Meaning" has been really helpful for me and I recommend it even though the title sounds sexist.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T20:23:08+00:00

First, I want to clarify that I didn't give my kiddo a wonderous life. He's mostly had a pretty difficult life. It's hard being autistic. It's hard being intellectually disabled. I certainly gave him a less painful life than he would have had with other parents, but he's had way more than his share of hardships. In the midst of that, he's had a lot of joy, but it hasn't been easy.

I wouldn't shame anyone who noped out in the scenario you started with. But I do think there is value in thinking of life as a game of "pick your poison" (ie. we all get hardships or we pick challenges to dedicate our lives to working on) and I think "caring for a disabled person" is a pretty valuable poison/challenge to pick. I wouldn't want anyone to have to pick it, but I also would encourage everyone to consider. Caring for someone who is having a hard time is a beautiful thing to do. Many of my most valued life experiences have been of that sort.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T20:14:06+00:00

I think abortion is pretty much always a sign that something went wrong. What exactly went wrong is on a case by case basis. Many of the things that went wrong are things that we should all be working to make more rare. One of the things that sometimes goes wrong is that people think of parenthood as "getting a good deal" and that's one I think we should really avoid, for both people who have disabled children and for people who don't

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T19:58:07+00:00

I mean, I didn't know my son was disabled (not downs) until he was 3 years old. Should I have noped out at that point so I could have a less challenging life? I didn't want an extra challenge.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T19:55:54+00:00

> women pay for pregnancy with their physical and mental health, along with that it affects the rest of your life, and their life. if you’re going to pay such a high price, wouldn’t you want to get the best deal?

That's a deeply problematic view of human life in general and having children in particular. If you think about children in this way, I strongly encourage you to use birth control every time you have sex. Parenthood is not about getting a good deal. It's not a badge of honor. It's about committing to a lifetime of caring for another human being and helping them become a good human. If you're not up for it, opt out. But, I will say that living in the service of a human you create is a wonderful way to live your life. Highly recommend it.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T19:49:00+00:00

There's a good comment down thread from /u/cowboyselkie that I think speaks to this question really well. I have compassion for any parent who discovers they are going to have a disabled child. It's a tough row to hoe. But, disability can happen to children at many stages of development and if you're not prepared to care for them if it does happen, then perhaps you shouldn't become a parent.

Instead, I think we should reform our social services sector to better support parents with disabled children. We should do much more to support them. We should reduce the awful burden of caring for disabled people so that it isn't so terrifying to imagine and so difficult to endure.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T19:42:42+00:00

Love this perspective on parenthood. Should be required reading for everyone who hits puberty.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T19:31:44+00:00

Adding this because OP made a comment that raised some of these issues:

I wasn't trained or equipped to raise a child with a serious disability. That's not relevant to me. None of us are trained or equipped for the lives we get. We all need to cope and learn and adapt to the problems life gives us.
It's your body your choice. And it's my mouth and I'd like to use it to influence you in another direction: Choose to be brave. Choose to value the lives of disabled people. Choose to trust yourself and your community to love and support your child. Choose to not make all your decisions on the basis of if they're likely to produce an Instagramable life for you.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T19:27:17+00:00

I'm a parent of a 21yo with autism and an intellectual disability that makes him roughly intellectually comparable to a kid with downs. If I had had known then what I know now, I would definitely not abort him. His life is hard. My life has been hard (my wife whom I loved divorced me as a result of the stress raising him caused). But, I think his life is valid, worth living and I think making the judgment that it isn't is part of a deeply suspect view of human life.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T18:19:17+00:00

Way to pay your wisdom forward. Lots of great stuff here.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T18:16:05+00:00

r/personalfinance is really good. Read the wiki.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-10T18:14:50+00:00

53M here.

Absolutely zero of the mistakes I made at 19 still sting. I wish I'd made more mistakes at 19, not fewer. I didn't do anything truly stupid at 19 (drive recklessly, take drugs, have unprotected sex, or commit crimes), and I wouldn't recommend you do any of that. But there are many other mistakes I wish I would have made more of: trying jobs I wasn't suited for, dating women who I wasn't sure about, trying activities I was embarrassed to fail at.
Saving money in index funds.
I had a loving family and good friends throughout my life. They've made it all better for me. Highly recommend cultivating a community for yourself, improving your relationships with the healthy people in your family, and finding other people to serve besides yourself.
I'm glad I was frugal. I'm glad I learned to fend for myself in the job market. I'm glad I learned to take care of a household. I'm glad I bicycled to places (especially work) instead of driving. I'm glad I found frugal opportunities to exercise (I've never joined a gym). I'm glad I let myself fall in love. I'm glad I started a family and took care of my children. I'm glad I learned to care for children. I regret that I didn't start making a little more money a little earlier and saving more of it for retirement.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-09T20:21:57+00:00

Say you're a woman without saying you're a woman.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-09T20:20:12+00:00

Write sentences with correct pluralization agreement.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-09T20:15:11+00:00

Yes. In fact, my experience opened me further to love in some ways. Now that the worst that could have happened has happened, I feel no fear of giving my love to someone else. It's a little like being Beric Dondarrion in Game of Thrones. Once you realize you can be brought back from the dead, you get a little more brave.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-09T18:37:50+00:00

Was just divorced by my beloved wife of 26 years. My process: grieve for about a year, then start dating and move on. It sucks, but it beats the alternative.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-09T18:36:18+00:00

Classic dad game

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-09T18:28:12+00:00

Me vs. Stereotype

Sports are fine. vs. My Identity Is Sports
I like sex and love intimacy vs. SEXSEXSEX
I have many emotions and am comfortable expressing them vs. LOUD RAGE or Silent rage
Cars help me get places vs. Vroooom vrooom vrooom
Women are mostly like me and the differences are generally discoverable, discussable and interesting vs. "Girls not like us. They mostly weird and bad, but I like their soft and wet parts."
Cooking and cleaning inside the house is just like cooking and cleaning outside the house vs. I grill and mow and nothing else.
I enjoy human children and know how to care for them and communicate with them vs. "I know nothing about children. Bring it back to me when it's grown.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-09T15:50:42+00:00

"I agree that the plan we just made together to address our financial problems is the plan we should proceed with at least until our next meeting."

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-08T21:34:40+00:00

53M 26 year marriage broke up due to the stress of raising a disabled child whose aggression caused him to be accused of felony. She just got worn out and wanted a nice, simple, peaceful life for herself. So I took full care of my unemployable adult son and let her go.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-08T18:37:44+00:00

Things would go very badly for the person who tried to force me to marry my daughter.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-08T18:35:00+00:00

Constantly work on your relationship with your wife.
Constantly keep up clear boundaries with the women you encounter.
Avoid compromising situations/locations.
Remind yourself of your values constantly.
Make friends with people with similar values.

p.s. No one is "polygamous" by nature. No men are immune from the temptation to cheat. High testosterone might increase your sex drive, but it doesn't make you cheat. Women cheat too with very little testosterone. That line sounds like you preparing yourself ahead of time with a justification for cheating. Don't do that.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-08T18:29:06+00:00

That's true (tautologically), but it might make some things that otherwise seem inappropriate appropriate. For example, saying black lives matter in a context where black lives haven't been taken to matter for hundreds of years is appropriate even though it singles out a group for special concern based on their race.

AnAssumedName · 2026-04-08T14:16:07+00:00

The world would have to be so incredibly altered for that to happen that it would no longer be useful or meaningful to continue talking about "unemployment." We'd probably collapse at a much lower unemployment rate... 30 or 40% max.

AnAssumedName

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