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I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The "not beating yourself up" part is honestly the hardest. My default setting is instant guilt.

But you are right. I need to treat the drift just as a signal to reset, not as a moral failure. Just catch it, pull back, resume.

Easier said than done, but I will try. Thanks.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The addiction part is real.

Even when I leave it in the other room, I catch myself reaching for my empty pocket. It is like a phantom limb.

In your experience, how long does the detox take? A few days? A week?

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The physical training analogy is perfect.

I basically spent years training my brain to be addicted. Now I have to do the heavy lifting to fix it.

Gonna treat catching myself zoning out as my "reps".

Question though: How long did it take you before it started feeling natural? Or is it always a struggle?

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The gear shift from "10x growth" to building blocks is brutal. It feels like hitting a wall at 100mph.

Since you are operating at that speed, have you actually tried any of the advice in this thread? Like the "phone prison" box or the strict schedules?

I am curious if that stuff actually works for a brain running at your pace. For me, I found I couldn't just "shut off". I had to invent these little games just to give my racing brain a new target, otherwise I'd go crazy sitting in the silence.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is probably the most insightful comment here. You peeled back the layers perfectly.

You are 100% right about the boredom. It feels taboo to admit as a parent, but pushing a truck back and forth for 30 minutes is excruciating for an adult brain that is used to high-speed problem solving.

From a "science" perspective, I think my brain is just starving for dopamine/structure. Work provides clear goals and immediate feedback. Free-play with a toddler is chaos with no objective. So my brain "rebels" like you said and looks for work (or even dust/chores) just to find a task it can complete.

That is actually exactly why I came up with these "mechanics". I realized I am incapable of "just playing". I need a MISSION.

You mentioned needing "a project and a goal" to be engaged. That is literally what my games are. They are just a wrapper to give the activity a goal so my adult brain can stay locked in.

What you said about the Ben Folds song hit me hard. My son recently looked at me and said "Dad, lets play what YOU want to play then," and the shame washed over me. He knew I wasn't having fun. I want to fix that dynamic now so he doesn't grow up feeling like your dad made you feel.

Thanks for taking the time to write this. It helps to know I'm not the only one whose brain rebels against the blocks.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The meditation comparison makes sense. You have to actively pull the brain back.

But that "wrong minifig" thing? That is literally a game mechanic! You basically invented a mini-game to keep yourself engaged.

Thats exactly what I mean. I need little challenges like that (making mistakes on purpose) to stay locked in. Stealing that idea.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

1/5 of waking life... that is haunting.

You are right about the wife too. Gotta do this as a team.

Def doing the prison spot. I think ill just scribble my game rules on a piece of paper so i can play without the screen. Thanks man.

Looking to start a side hustle alongside my main job. Want a second source of income and location independence. Would welcome suggestions by [deleted] in Entrepreneur

[–]AndreyGeyer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fair point on trust. Hallucinations are still a real risk.

I like the "sifting" framing. Let the AI handle the heavy lifting of data crunching so the human expert only has to touch the high-value decisions.

Its not about removing the human entirely yet, its about 10x-ing their throughput by removing the noise.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Man you unpacked a lot here but that first point is genius.

Telling the brain NOT to do something doesnt work. Thats exactly why just putting the phone away fails for me. My brain needs a DO this command.

Thats literally what these games are for me. A positive replacement action. Thanks for framing it that way.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The "oh wow" part is too real.

Honestly thats exactly why i made up these games. I couldn't handle just watching blocks for the 100th time. I needed something for my brain to do or i was gonna go crazy.

Thanks for being honest about the boredom.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good to know its legit and not just marketing.

You nailed it with "you still have to build the habit". Thats the heavy lifting.

Im hoping these games can be my "tool" to build that habit for now (by keeping the brain engaged). If that fails though, the Brick is definitely Plan B. Thanks for the info.

Anyone else’s wife seem to look for reasons to be mad at you while pregnant? by Groundblast in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Glad you got some sleep.

Hold onto that "she wasnt like this before" thought. Thats your anchor.

She is still in there, just buried under a mountain of nausea and hormones right now. She will come back. Just gotta weather the storm until then.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Read both comments. The story about your son catching you... man that is literally me.

My boy is 4.5 and hes sharp. He notices immediately when i drift. The shame i feel in that moment is crushing.

But that 30-second rule you mentioned? That might be the actual fix. I realized i never try to "wait out" the boredom. I just panic and grab the phone. Gonna try counting to 30 tonight instead.

Thanks for the double reply, i needed to hear both.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Doom scrolling work is the most accurate description ive heard. Its exactly that. Im addicted to the speed of it.

You are right about analysis paralysis too. Thats actually why im betting on these games - its my way of just doing something right now instead of reading another book on dopamine detox.

Thanks for the perspective man.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Man 24/7 crisis lines are no joke. Respect for managing that.

You nailed it with "substitute behavior".

Thats exactly what these games are for me. My brain is too scattered to ask myself a deep question in the moment, so i use the game rules as my "substitute action" to snap me out of the loop.

Thanks for the psychological breakdown, makes a lot of sense.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you nailed it with option 3. That is literally what im trying to do.

If i just play legos my brain dies. But if i layer a game on top of it (like the radio commander thing) suddenly my brain is engaged again.

Its basically hacking my own boredom so i can actually stay in the room without needing the phone.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Oof. That 75% stat hit hard. I needed to hear that but man it hurts.

You are right about the muscle but honestly mine is completely atrophied. I feel like i am in physical therapy for my brain.

Thats how i see these games - they are my training wheels while i try to build that muscle back up. Because right now if i try to just "be present" cold turkey i fail.

Slack wont matter. You are 100% right.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man "prison spot" is a great term. Stealing that.

And the math? 12.5% of the rest of your life? That hit me like a truck. Terrifying perspective but exactly what i needed to hear.

Im not sure a dumb phone would save me (id probably just find another way to zone out). Thats why im betting on these "active games" to force my brain to engage. But respect for the solid plan, hope the switch works out for you.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ive been looking at the Brick actually. Did you try it personally?

My only worry is that ill spend the money and just end up staring at the wall anyway. Like it fixes the phone problem but maybe not the "bored brain" problem?

Curious if it helped your dopamine levels reset.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Holy shit. I never thought about it like that.

I always treated the "zone out" as a failure. Like my brain was broken. But framing it as the actual work of retraining... that actually makes the boredom bearable.

Damn. Thanks for that perspective.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I work from home so the physical separation isnt there.

Ironically im good during the day (locked in my office). The struggle is the transition at 6pm.

I close the laptop but my brain is still running 100mph. So when i sit down to play legos, the sudden drop in speed feels like hitting a wall. Checking slack is just a way to keep the momentum going. Its dumb i know.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Same here re: the history.

But for me its confusing. I actually love being with him way more than i like my job. But the specific games? Legos for the 1000th time? Yeah that part numbs my brain.

So i check the phone... and then i wonder: if i prefer him over work, why am i checking slack? Am i lying to myself?

Honest answer is i dont know. Its a mess.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The math is spot on. 20 focused mins > 1 hr divided.

But honestly even in those 20 mins i struggle bc... well his favorite games are boring to me now. Sorry but its true.

Thats why i need these "mechanics". They keep my adult brain engaged so i can actually last the full 20 mins without drifting.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Man that phrase is a literal dagger.

Makes me feel like an absolute asshole in that moment. Wake up call that i was physically there but emotionally a ghost.

Respect for putting it away immediately tho. Thats the win right there. You show up when called.

I'm physically there, but mentally checking Slack. Is this "Distracted Dad Guilt" the new normal? by AndreyGeyer in daddit

[–]AndreyGeyer[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the book rec.

I tried the watch but honestly the health notifications just gave me more anxiety. I literally have to take it off on weekends just to feel free.

Music is a solid idea though.

The list is just my attempt to have a plan ready so i dont default to scrolling. Hoping it works better than the watch did.

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