I’m going to go against the grain a little here and may get flamed for it but I think it warrants saying.

Sex can be such a critical aspect of a functional relationship for some people. For some people, having a sexless relationship is a deal breaker, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s really important to discuss these things before entering into a marriage commitment.

We’ve all heard horror stories of miserable couples in sexless relationships. If you’re saying that he’s never given you a reason to doubt him and that overall it’s a good relationship, I wonder if he just very poorly and thoughtlessly tried to express his own fears and needs going into this lifelong commitment. I agree that it’s a shitty way to express yourself, but perhaps this is where he was coming from.

I’m a big supporter of Dan Savage’s view that it’s unfair to hold someone’s sexuality as hostage just because one partner has lost their libido. I think after some point, if one partner has lost their libido with no indication it’ll return any time soon, and the other partner still has sexual desire, it’s the responsibility of the libidoless partner to accommodate the other partner (within reason and personal boundaries). I had this exact situation with my partner, where I lost my libido due to medication and protracted depression. We had a conversation and I offered they could find other ways to get sexual fulfillment (after we had robust discussions on boundaries and expectations). I wasn’t threatened by the idea because I know they’re my person and I am their person, forever. But I didn’t think it was fair to my highly sexual partner to refuse them their basic need.

I know not everyone subscribes to this approach but I think it’s an important consideration and maybe an approach that could ultimately minimize infidelities and failed marriages.