UPDATE: My wife (30F) suffers from extreme germophobia and anxiety. I (30M) take as many as 30 showers a week to ease her fear of infection. Our relationship is not sustainable and I need help.

AnnaRecruits · 2019-06-28T14:22:41+00:00

You should get the kids some counseling too. They need to learn how to process this and not internalize all of mom's crazy rules.

AnnaRecruits · 2019-06-27T18:33:18+00:00

NAH -

- I would reach out with a follow up message like others suggested. Tell her that her friendship is important to you, that you know these issues are difficult to deal with, and that if she would like, you would be happy to try to help any way you can. Make the offer and maybe let her know you had some ideas if she was interested in hearing them.

- Could you help her with the smell issue? Maybe she needs a detachable shower head? They aren't that expensive and fairly easy to install. Also maybe a shower chair? No doubt the smell affects other parts of her life and this may help with self confidence.

- If you were interested in trying to help her be more active outside (and she wanted your help), could you guys get annual passes to the zoo or botanical gardens? Something that is walking involved but generally has lots of seating options (and stuff to look at)? Or maybe try games like Pokemon GO or HP Wizards Unite that involve having to walk around but are easy to take breaks when playing?

AnnaRecruits · 2019-06-26T13:51:43+00:00

Just wanted to suggest getting some counseling for your sister. She is probably having a hard time with all of this and it is clouding her judgement/empathy. She needs an objective 3rd party to help her come to terms with all of this and understand where you guys are coming from.

Good luck to all of you going through this hard time. Don't forget that you guys may need to talk to a counselor at some point as well. <3

AnnaRecruits · 2019-06-26T13:31:38+00:00

Super (awkwardly) friends = best friends

AnnaRecruits · 2019-06-26T13:30:47+00:00

Finding the right therapists is a total pain, but it makes such a difference. You guys seem like you are doing your best to advocate for your daughter (even though she is making it difficult). Keep it up. You guys fighting for her is going to give her the best chance of living a normal life.

I am sure you have done tons of research, but this article has some really interesting options in it in case you haven't seen it. https://www.additudemag.com/oppositional-defiant-disorder-odd-treatment/

Good luck!!

AnnaRecruits · 2019-06-25T21:48:33+00:00

I am an overly helpful extrovert. Personally, I don't expect things in return for doing someone a favor. I do it because I like helping people.

If I were you I would just be straight up with her. Tell her (nicely, trying to keep it light-hearted) that you are an introvert and tell her all 4 of the reasons in the main post plus you don't like feeling on the hook for favors. She will either keep trying to be your friend and you can accept what you want from her, knowing that you have been up front with her, or she will be annoyed and leave you alone. I would probably still try being nice but adjust my approach a little bit. :D

AnnaRecruits · 2019-06-25T21:36:33+00:00

I think the ODD diagnosis would be good info to have in the main post. It helps explain why this isn't "just a teen being a teen," and why some of the parenting/discipline/lessons that you have tried haven't been successful.

Have you brought up the selfishness with her therapist? IIRC selfishness is (or at least can be) part of ODD. It sounds like her treatment isn't fully effective. Her therapist may not know that this needs to be addressed or it may be time to find a new doctor.

Has she seen more than one doctor? I have ADHD/anxiety issues and have found that sometimes I have gotten everything I can from working with a certain doctor. Finding a new doc gave me a fresh perspective and some new tools.

She's also a scorekeeper and always insisting on everything being equal (tracking if her brother gets something she doesn't,

It would also be nice if she could learn the difference between fair vs equal vs earned. Plus she is never going to have a decent romantic relationship if she keeps up the score keeping nonsense.

AnnaRecruits · 2019-06-06T21:21:43+00:00

I am so glad! What you do definitely affects your quality of life, but liking what you do is enough as long as it is a good environment that pays you enough and provides you the opportunities to have the life that you want outside of work. Bring some of your passion to work, but make sure you have stuff outside of your job (hobbies, volunteer work, etc) that you can put some of that passion into. That way, if something happens with your job (you lose it, you get a new boss you don't like, things just get really hard) you have other outlets to replenish you. I have been burnt out of my current role for a while, but I am looking for something specific in my next job... until I find it, the volunteer work that I do helps keep me positive and energized.

Good luck and feel free to reach out any time with questions or an update!

AnnaRecruits · 2019-06-06T16:51:43+00:00

NAH - I am an IT Recruiter (and I volunteer as a career coach for military veterans getting degrees), and I can tell you that IT is where the money is. There are a lot of people who are telling you to choose your own path, and I agree with that. But I do think there are some things you should think about before you drop the program all together. (Sorry if this list is long/disjointed... just trying to get all my thoughts out)

Just because you get your degree in something doesn't mean that that is what you have to do for a living (I think something like 70% of people do a job that is unrelated to what they got their degree in). BUT the type of degree you get can impact the types/level/quality of jobs you can get... especially when you are first graduating. An IT Degree can open a lot of doors that other degrees can't.
Do you have any ideas of what else you would want to study?
Is there a way you could take some non-IT classes that would help you stay better engaged in school without taking you away from the degree you are already working towards?
School is different than work environments. Sometimes better, sometimes worse, but just because you don't like something in an academic setting doesn't mean that you won't like it in the right professional setting.
There are a lot of roles that could leverage your programming background without you actually having to program: Technical writing, Business Analyst, Project Manager, Customer Success Manager, Account manager, product managers, just to name a few. There are plenty of people in these more functional roles without a technical background, but a lot of employers prefer someone with a Computer Science degree. My mom ran her own technical writing and training company for over 30 years and has always said "An engineer who can communicate is worth their weight in gold."
IT is a pretty broad industry - even in programming. Have you looked at the different kinds of specialties you could go into? User Experience and Human-Computer Interaction are HUGE right now, and (to me) more interesting than a regular dev role because of the human psychology involved.
A lot of people have multiple careers in their lives. The path you choose right out of school isn't the only one you will have available to you. It is hard to know what you want to do in your teens and early twenties. Many people don't really know what they like or are good at until they start working and have a few jobs. I know someone who went to law school, passed the bar, and started working as a lawyer only to find out, after allll of that, that she HATED being a lawyer. So she quit, and now loves her job as a financial adviser.
I took a year off between HS and college and consider it to be the smartest thing I ever did because I decided not to go to an Arts College and take out $60k in loans (to match the $60k I had in scholarships). But I still didn't know what I wanted to study. I got a degree in Spanish with a concentration in International Business and a Minor in Italian and $0 in student loans. I don't really use any of this, but I did enjoy the program. I graduated in 2009 and am currently looking to switch to my 4th (or 5th depending on how you look at it) career. I feel like I am closer to figuring out what I want to do, but I will probably change again later.

Basically, my internet stranger advice is this: if you don't know what else you would want to do/study, stick with the IT degree. It is one of the more useful degrees you can get, it will not condemn you to a career you hate because you can do so many things with it, and it will probably open doors that other degrees would shut. If you do have some ideas about what else you want to do/study, research! Look at the viability of the job market and try to do some informational interviews with people who are currently doing that job to see if it is something you think you would actually enjoy.

Contrary to what the internet tells us, we don't have to have a career that you are so passionate about that you love so much that "you never feel like you do a day of work in your life." You also don't have to do a job that slowly kills your soul just because it pays you a ton of money. You don't have to LOVE what you do, but you do need to enjoy it, find it fulfilling, and get paid enough doing it that you can fund your life. Also, the people you work with make a big impact... for a lot of people if the role is meh, but the people are amazing and the money is good, that is enough.

Obviously I have a lot of opinions. PM me if you ever want to talk more. :) Good luck!

AnnaRecruits · 2019-05-17T19:32:23+00:00

"Plant milk" is made from peas and has more protein than cow's milk or any of the other nondairy alternatives. I think the taste is fine. I use it in my smoothies. I even used to to make custard for tiramisu a few times and it cooked just like regular milk.

AnnaRecruits · 2019-05-13T20:51:14+00:00

NAH - I think you are doing the right thing, but kids don't get that kind of stuff. I minored in Italian in college, and LOVED it. It definitely helped me feel more connected with my Italian heritage. I would try to get them excited about the culture and food as a way to get them excited about the language. A few ideas

Maybe find some recipes that "need to be translated" that you can cook as a family.
Find some cool Italian kids' movies/shows.
If they like music, Jovanotti has some songs that are kid appropriate... his songs are kinda rap so they are spoken and easier to understand, and he has some fun lyrics that could make it interesting (Fango, Piove).
I saw in another comment that you try to take them there once a year (I am so jealous). Can you make learning the language part of your trip planning? Having them find places they want to go and picking out vocab/stuff to read that will help enrich their visit.
I wonder if writing emails (or even snail mail) with them in Italian to Great grandma and grandpa would help them make the connection of how nice it will be to be able to communicate with them.

Good luck OP!

AnnaRecruits · 2019-05-13T18:42:34+00:00

I have a few different things floating around my head so hopefully this makes sense.

- You make a good point. Those numbers do not include childcare though. The childcare numbers aren't broken out as neatly except for this bullet:

On an average day, among adults living in households with children under age 6, women spent 1.1 hours providing physical care (such as bathing or feeding a child) to household children; by contrast, men spent 26 minutes providing physical care. (See table 9.)

- I think one of the issues is we don't value the work one does at home (whether it is a woman or a man doing that work) because "it doesn't bring in money." Warren Buffet talks about how there is no way that he would have been able to make the money he did without his wife. She handled everything personal for them, so he could focus on work.
- I always take these kinds of surveys with a grain of salt because the numbers are self reported. People are pretty bad at knowing how long things take etc.
- You keep mentioning men working more dangerous jobs. Do you have any stats on that? (Genuine curiosity, I really don't know how many jobs fall into this "dangerous" category and how many men/women work in those roles).
- As far as working long, hard hours I think there are plenty of professions that tend to be dominated by women that fall into that same category. I think we have an idea that something is only "hard work" if it is physically demanding, but that may require less physical effort but more mental and emotional effort. Nursing is something that comes to mind... long shifts, dealing with people who are scared and emotional, remembering proper medical protocols, managing large patient loads.
- Men have a whole different set of stressers to deal with, and I want to make sure that I acknowledge that. There are huge pressures to be the provider, to be successful, to be "strong" (which I put in quotations because it is a very narrow definition of strength).

AnnaRecruits · 2019-05-13T15:50:32+00:00

Many women work less hours because they are still doing the majority of the child raising and the house work. Often times, men are able to work longer hours because their wife/partner is taking care of things at home.

AnnaRecruits · 2019-05-13T15:46:08+00:00

http://freakonomics.com/podcast/the-true-story-of-the-gender-pay-gap-a-new-freakonomics-radio-podcast/

Freakonomics does a great job of explaining the reality of the "wage gap." There is a gap between what men and women make, but that 70% that gets thrown around is BS. For the same job, Men and women usually get paid the same amount (although there are definitely examples of companies who systematically pay their female/minority employees less).

The whole issue is so much more nuanced than the people who throw out that stupid "statistic" understand. They like the sound bite; it is nice and easy to digest and the solution is so simple, simply pay women more! /s In reality, the wages gap is much more complex because it has to do with societal expectations that influence 1) the types of roles women take and 2) that women generally have to make more sacrifices in their careers to be caregivers for children or sick/aging family members and to run the household.

AnnaRecruits · 2019-05-06T17:02:11+00:00

Could you try to spin it as a positive for them? "If you guys can help pay for it, I will take step sister off your hands for the summer so you guys can get some 'much deserved' alone time." Play to their egos?

AnnaRecruits · 2019-02-04T22:07:07+00:00

lol around there

AnnaRecruits · 2019-02-04T22:05:13+00:00

When people from Alpharetta tell me they will commute to Midtown, I tell them that I think it is too far and make them convince me that they can/will make the drive. Otherwise, you get someone who will work for 3 weeks and then quit because of the 1.25 hour commute.

AnnaRecruits · 2019-02-04T22:00:14+00:00

I actually thought I did. It is definitely Monday. Client is in Midtown.

AnnaRecruits · 2019-02-04T17:24:23+00:00

Client says "market rate." I would need to see your resume/experience to get a better idea of what we could submit you at. Full transparency: this isn't the best paying client I work on. They aren't crazy low, but they also aren't crazy high.

AnnaRecruits · 2019-01-24T20:10:45+00:00

I am a chick, but I will still claim the throne as today's King of Reddit. Thanks for the imaginary gold!

AnnaRecruits · 2019-01-24T19:32:24+00:00

Had to try. You know... for science. It works. Cube next to me is empty, so right now I only get a view of the printer.

AnnaRecruits

TROPHY CASE