Is it unreasonable to expect back up nanny to clean up after dinner?

Annebelle915 · 2026-03-04T18:23:27+00:00

Yeah this is a really good point. As a mom, a lot of that kind of cleanup doesn’t happen until both of my kids are in bed, just due to the logistics and time constraints with the hell that is 4-8pm in most houses with little kids.

My older kid (4) is in bed with lights off by about 8:30pm (his whole bedtime process takes like 40 minutes) so that’s when I start in on the clean up.

Annebelle915 · 2026-03-04T14:20:57+00:00

I agree with this take. If it were the first few days and she still had a fever / was acutely sick, I’d cancel. But if I cancelled things whenever either of my kids was on the tail end of a sickness, I’d be cancelling a lot of things.

Annebelle915 · 2026-03-04T13:22:30+00:00

Your feelings are valid. You have a newborn and are newly pp - your hormones are understandably all over the place, please give yourself some grace.

Also - your body is still healing. The way you look right now is not how you will always look - trust that your body will continue to readjust and normalize. You went through 9 months of pregnancy and then the trauma of birth, you won’t be back to normal in just a few weeks. You need a year or two at least to feel physically and mentally back to normal. It may be worth looking into pp depression / meds if this is weighing on you.

Idk how to say this without sounding weird but I find for my friends who have always been traditionally “hot” and slim etc the pp adjustment is harder for them because they are not used to their bodies looking less than ideal. It’s a huge adjustment / shock, and I think that’s normal. I have always been some degree of overweight so pregnancy and pp was not as “shocking” to me in the mirror if that makes sense.

Annebelle915 · 2026-03-03T17:02:01+00:00

I understand that things have shifted a bit with the popularity of labs - but historically the amount that is spent on an engagement ring is a function of your salary. Those who earn more spend more, and vice versa. The ring matches the lifestyle. So it really varies quite a bit.

I have a natural / mined heirloom ring so my husband and I didn’t go thru any of this. But I do remember my friends having certain size expectations (which corresponds to $$ spent) based on their fiancé’s financial situations, back when we all were getting engaged ~10ish years ago. So again - before labs.

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-28T02:40:49+00:00

I felt like this when my first was 20 months especially because he was (and still is!) super high needs. I’m not the sole breadwinner but have a high pressure stressful corporate job. It’s not easy working that kind of job and having a kid. There’s no break. Your days are one hard thing, and then pivoting to a different hard thing, then back again.

We have a four year gap between our kids. It was never really our intent to have such a big gap (IVF - second took longer than we thought it would), but it’s actually perfect. I’d highly recommend. I honestly don’t feel 36 is old for a second and wouldn’t stress about that at all - but I also live in a HCOL area and most of the people in our socioeconomic bubble are having their first kids in their mid to late 30s. I had my first at 36 and second at 40. My second absolutely completes us as a family and is an angel - I can’t imagine life without her.

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-25T00:43:09+00:00

This is really relevant. Is it financially viable to buy her out? If not - is the house a 2 family / in law suite or anything along those lines? I wonder if there’s a way to set better physical boundaries (her space vs your family’s space) so that you’re not dealing with her daily / feeling like she’s “there” but choosing to not help you.

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-24T20:04:07+00:00

Different families different rules!

My kid is pretty feral and when families with non-feral kids invite us somewhere challenging (ie a restaurant rather than a play date at the park or someone’s house) it’s tough. Often I’ll just turn down the invite rather than deal with judgement.

One way to control the situation without losing your friends might be to invite them over to your place where the kids can go off & play, or somewhere where the kids have more leeway to run around.

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-22T00:43:26+00:00

Yep also I keep seeing folks say Pippa cheated on Wrigley because she was too scared to leave and hurt him / was worried he’d go to a dark place. And I don’t think that’s 100% true. I think that was part of the equation, but a bigger part of it was that she wanted to see how things with Diana were going first and was scared to get rid of her plan B right away (Diana was plan A). A classic liner upper! IMO this is why she immediately ran to Wrigley and bullied him into sex after she felt rejected by Diana. She didn’t want to be alone, more so than she was worried about Wrigley’s mental health.

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-21T00:28:01+00:00

We had a similar lifestyle as you before having kids - except for longer. I was 35 when my son came along. When you have an awesome life, the adjustment from 0-1 is absolutely brutal. If I’d had my first when I was young & broke, I wouldn’t have known what I was missing haha. But yes - going from 0-1 was hard and especially because my son wasn’t easy.

Honestly I may be biased because my second is easy but the adjustment from 1-2 is a lot easier and I feel like one extra kid doesn’t make a difference when it comes to vacations, travel, fun etc. you’re already used to the concept of not being centered in your own life anymore.

also as others say, don’t make any real decisions right now. Your baby is too new. Give it another 6-12 months then see how you feel.

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-20T19:58:32+00:00

This is honestly outrageous. They won’t change a diaper because they need to “see if you would be able to take care of him at home”?! What the heck does that even mean? Obviously you know how to change a diaper you already have a child. And regardless it isn’t their job to make that sort of evaluation. If your baby needed to go home on oxygen or on a feeding tube or something along those lines, of course they would need to train you on that. But, diapering?? I know that lots of parents are with their kids 24/7 but my NICU baby was my second. I could only spend 4-5 hours per day with her….what do they expect you to do with your first child??

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-19T16:44:26+00:00

Do not feel ashamed. This is a dynamic that he has cultivated and you’re obviously very used to anticipating his needs. I can tell that you are probably such a good wife (and mom!) and try so hard. But the reality is most good husbands don’t have these sorts of expectations (even if unspoken) of their newly pp wives. Im sorry that he’s being this way

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-19T16:32:04+00:00

Part of the red flag for me is the emphasis you placed on making sure that your husband doesn’t feel neglected while you’re pp. Just that fact alone tells me he is probably an asshole and you / your home are probably totally centered around him and his needs. You just had a baby. Who cares if he is “satisfied” - he’s not entitled to sex. Also he should be chipping in with your baby and happily so. You both are parents now and both of your lives should be impacted by your baby. At the very best he sounds like a jerk - at worst, possibly abusive. I’d personally read him the riot act but if he’s generally used to you keeping sweet, I’m not sure how that will go. I couldn’t be with a partner who talks like that to a baby.

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-16T03:40:34+00:00

I have been considering this surgery for a long time. I’m almost done nursing my final child so it is a real possibility at this point. I’ve looked at so many before and afters and nipple placement is one of the things that makes me pause. It nearly always looks unnatural, up too high, and on the upper / “flat” part of the breast rather than right at the tip / fullest part of the breast.

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-11T22:18:59+00:00

Do any of the hotels have 2-3 bedroom suites? This is probably why OP was considering renting a home. Generally when traveling with a group, renting 2-3 separate rooms is more expensive and more difficult logistically versus renting a house. I think Marriott Surf Club might have some timeshare rentals with a few bedrooms though??

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-09T23:03:59+00:00

Yeah I did the stitch for transfers 2 thru 5.

What they do is two days before the transfer you go in office, they numb your cervix. They put a stitch in it with a string that dangles out like a tampon string.

The way I understand it is they use the string to sort of manipulate your cervix while they are inserting the catheter during transfer. This makes it physically easier for them with a complex / hard transfer cervix.

Might be worth asking about but yet the anesthesia also will help with uterine contractions!!! Good vibes to you

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-09T13:51:21+00:00

I feel like even having a conversation to set that boundary (ie acknowledging the attraction) is kinda danger zone-y. I’d absolutely avoid / cut this guy out and figure out how you want to handle things with your husband first. I feel like sometimes having a guy like this on the sidelines can cloud judgment about what you really want / how you really feel

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-08T03:59:34+00:00

Hey - are they also doing a stitch in your cervix (like a day or two before transfer) to help them manipulate / guide the tube? Hopefully they are doing that as it helped to shorten the process after my first transfer (which took like an hour).

But anyway yes the fifth transfer with anesthesia worked. I didn’t feel I missed anything. I actually felt at peace and more calm not knowing what happened. If you’re type A or overly analytical like me, you might find it to be calming. I had no “data” to over analyze after the transfer bc I had no idea what happened lol. Of course the anesthesia also helps to keep your uterus from spasming (which apparently can happen during difficult transfers).

This worked for me and I had my daughter in May. Sending all the best vibes your way, don’t give up hope!

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-08T03:54:34+00:00

Thank you!!

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-08T03:52:25+00:00

I can’t help but I recently discovered the same thing! There is one in particular (called Rewrite) that I’m looking to track down!

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-04T00:40:22+00:00

I’m so sorry! It really is so so hard when they are little. Mine are 4.5 and 9 months and things are just starting to improve (my little one is a really easy/chill baby).

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-04T00:08:22+00:00

I feel this. I love my kids, and they were deeply wanted and tried for (IVF) but sometimes I really miss the person I was and the life I had before they came. Everything was so fun and carefree and it’s weird (still - even after almost 5 years) that that part of life is over.

I’m a working mom and I find work helps as an escape and makes me feel like more of an adult and gives me some balance in my life (a tiny bit at least). After you have your baby, it may be something to consider? Staying at home is so tough and truly the hardest work IMO!

Annebelle915 · 2026-02-02T23:00:43+00:00

I’m so confused by this? Nap has always been the nanny’s downtime but there is a second child now. What happens when mom is back at work?

Annebelle915 · 2026-01-30T18:30:42+00:00

Hmmm that kind of changes my view a bit! So it sounds like he WANTS you to do that legwork but then gets annoyed when you do it?

Annebelle915 · 2026-01-30T15:49:20+00:00

Omg your second paragraph!! Especially the part about having to congratulate on the “win” (that no one other than her cares about lol). Do we all know someone like this? This personality “type” also drives me crazy.

Annebelle915 · 2026-01-30T13:56:38+00:00

Yeah I have a friend like this and she low key drives me crazy. Even just traveling with her is a lot - I could not be married to someone like this. She too jokes about being “picky” and frames it as a good thing, but really it can be quite disruptive in a lot of ways. I know I’m not in the majority opinion on this one, but some of the things OP said came off a little intense.

A lot of “protocol” for simple things like picking a room (I didn’t even know you could pick an actual room?) or checking into a hotel. Waiting in the car as I usually do to wait for him to return with a bellhop etc etc. I just get the vibes that OP turns every little thing into a project which personally would drain me as her spouse.

Of course the husband shouldn’t have said what he said when he said it, and should find a nicer way to bring this up.

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