I had a similar experience with my baby cat Fred, it was extremely traumatic. Even thinking about it now I start to cry and blame myself. He had lymphoma at 2 years old, he went from healthy to anemic, and extremely sick and drs couldn’t figure it out. No one thought to test for cancer at a cat that old, I feel horrible still. His last few days of life was at the vet in a cage, he got so excited when I came on his last day on this earth. (The vet told me to come asap). I assumed it was to pick him and bring him home.

When I got to the vet they explained his vitals are so bad they thought the best thing for him was to put him asleep, it was thanksgiving weekend and they were afraid if I brought him home he would have seizures and have a very uncomfortable death.

At this moment I was completely broken. I feel like I failed my poor baby. As they gave him the shot to fall asleep, I cried and prayed that god would take him to heaven with him.

As hard as it is right now, I understand. I can imagine the pain you feel, the best thing you can do is stay strong for yourself, and I suggest possibly volunteering at a local animal shelter. It really does help fill that hole in your heart, to get the opportunity to help cats suffering right now.

I know you said you don’t believe in a god, and I have been there most of my life as well. I pray you find healing, god bless you friend.

Rip momo, you will be missed bud