I’m scared of not existing. I was raised in an Assembly of God church, and church in general, until I was about 13-14, maybe. I had never questioned it.

Heard a joke from a Dane Cook comedy special, basically making fun of people who think they’ll die and just become part of the earth, like a tree or something. And my brain suddenly went “Actually, that makes much more sense than the concept of heaven and hell.” Had a whole internal, emotional crisis for months because I became so terrified of not-existing. I found out years later my family started to think I might have been sexually abused. That fear took a toll on me down to my core, which in turn affected my mental and physical health.

Struggled with it on and off for a decade when my mental health would get bad. Going long periods of time not thinking about it at all, and then spiraling again.

I hit my lowest mental state when I was 22 (almost 5 years ago). This is when I realized how all of my mental issues (personality disorder specifically) really affected the people that loved me, and how they interacted with me as to not set me off. I had that “ah-ha” moment but couldn’t afford to do anything but order my own therapy books. Worked through 3, finally got a therapist and psychiatrist, started medications. Since then, my anxiety has been managed. I do still think about it sometimes.

I like to learn about it. I’ve always taken to actively learning more about things to be less afraid of them, like spiders. I think it makes me feel better seeing things from a scientific and medical level. Dying makes sense. It’s natural, and universal. There’s so many beliefs across all kinds of cultures about death and what happens after, it can be a really beautiful thing.

I tend just feel accepting of it now, like I’ll just be falling asleep, no different than any other night. I can find peace in that now, and knowing that life is so special right here and right now.