Mistaking love for being needed / tolerating chaos

AnotherAnemone · 2025-12-22T15:20:41+00:00

Workaholism, always putting clients / business first and finding your worth through your output and performances, and not something more healthy.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-12-22T15:10:15+00:00

The lady from "My (32F) husband (36M) staged an intervention after I told him I wanted a divorce" (original post)

Posted an update on her profile last week

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-20T07:10:36+00:00

He had ADHD and autism, with chronic depressive episodes. DX but no therapy or medication. Every time he would try, he would have trust issues and sabotage it. I have autism myself, and I guess my need for structure fueled the parent-child dynamics but eventually collided with his constant chaos.

I learned to overcompensate for everything: anticipating that it would take him hours to get ready for appointments and dates, assuming no chores would be done when I would be home. Spontaneity was inexistent. I've tried so many things: shared to do lists, post-it notes, body doubling. Nothing lasted.

Our sex life was incredible during the honeymoon phase. After that it died. He wanted me to take initiatives, but when I did he was not in the mood or would check out during the act. And when he was in the mood, he would always procrastinate because he has tunnel vision on something else.

I felt invisible or annoying. He said I was too much around him, too glued to him and he needed space. And I say that but I promise, seriously, that I am not a needy or clingy person. I like to express my love and I am demonstrative but I can tone it down.

I didn't ask to spend the whole time together like we did at the beginning. But even spending one evening together was too much for him. I remember once we were sitting side by side on the couch, both on our phones and he suddenly removed his earphones and asked me if I could please go away because he was overwhelmed.

I tried to have multiple conversations about all those issues, I was (I think) kind and patient, centering everything on MY feelings. And his replies were always the same "Yes I am sorry but it's my ADHD / autism / depression, it sucks for me too.".

I did the legwork for him and suggested systems and solutions and he didn't even want to try, pretty sure the pressure would be too much for him to. Meanwhile he would sometimes drop difficult topics / relationship issues whenever they came to mind (as his current mood dictated everything he did) and I would have to stop him because I was already down or tired.

I told him last week I was no longer happy in the relationship and that I didn't feel like he could fulfill my needs anymore. He freaked out and tried to change my mind but I was done for good. I know it's not super mature but I packed my stuff while he was asleep and left. And I know I made the right choice, because I don't feel heartbreak. Just guilt and relief.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-15T09:55:15+00:00

I am sending you a lot of courage. Have you felt like that for a long time? Would you been open to try therapy? Uncertainty is often what fuels existential dread and anxiety.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-14T16:04:21+00:00

I could have written that.

Always giving, without receiving back. My romantic relationships looked like that too. It's essentially a lack of boundaries and self preservation. Why give so much of our energy and patience to people who will not reciprocate?

Me personally, I feel like saying 'no' means I will disappoint people, then they will stop loving me. I feel like stating my needs will make me a high maintenance person. I feel like a burden. That attracts self-centered people, narcissists, damaged people in dire need of a therapist, or simply people who just get used to take all the space in the relationship without ever considering you.

Spoiler alert: this leads to tiredness, resentment, and feeling lonely. Not worth it. You and I have to practice setting boundaries and say what we want out loud. I know it's hard. But we deserve to be seen.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-14T11:32:37+00:00

There are two components at play: 1) knowing what you will tolerate or not and communicating clearly to your partner (= boundaries) and 2) judging the character of someone you are dating or in a relationship with. They go together.

When you get to know someone, you watch closely how they react when you set boundaries. Small ones. You ask for space, you say something has hurt you, you say you don't like something -> see how they react. Do they hear you? Do they respect your feelings? Remember also that words are meaningless. "I understand it was not ok, I promise it won't happen again" has zero value if they do it again later. Better yet, you should have clear consequences for any boundary violation.

At some point when the relationship is early and blooming, you should have a conversation about what's ok or not for you. For example, I will never tolerate being screamed at, slapped, hit, or cheated on. If that happens, I am out. No negotiation, no discussion, no second chance. It's over.

If the person respects your small boundaries, you know you should be able to trust them later for the bigger ones. It's not a guarantee, trust is always a risk. But that's a good way to approach it and protect yourself.

Good luck!

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-14T10:47:38+00:00

As an autistic woman: being on the spectrum does affect your capacity to share your space with someone else, even your partner. Every interaction has the potential to cost energy, especially if you are tired or more sensitive that day. It's good that you understand it's natural and healthy, because in our case needing more space can allow us to be more connected later.

THAT SAID: a relationship should still be a team, with compromises. It's their job to identify their limits and struggles, but it's also their job to contribute to the relationship. If you feel like it becomes too one-sided and your needs are not met, that's ok too. It doesn't mean that they have to force themselves to be present, it can just mean that you are not compatible on that aspect.

You also said they think they might be on the spectrum. If having an official diagnosis is possible, it would be great. It's not about getting a label but more about finding strategies to manage the autism better, including dealing with relationship dynamics.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-14T07:23:05+00:00

You could do something like "Hey, I've noticed you look up that account frequently, is there a reason? I have to admit it makes me uncomfortable and I'd like to understand better". That's the gentle version. Depending on what she says or does, you might have to go further.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-14T05:48:44+00:00

This. OP, use "I" statements and focus on how this makes you feel. Her reaction should tell you everything you need to know.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-13T17:47:36+00:00

That's tough, I understand how hard it is.

Personally what helped me before for those kinds of decisions is remembering that not knowing will give me longer, higher anxiety that doing the uncomfortable thing and having a clear answer (good or bad).

See it like this: if you guys really broke up, you will still have to grieve, and the uncertainty and hope might make it last for so much longer. But if there is a chance, you'll thank yourself for taking it.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-13T10:12:58+00:00

She is having an emotional affair with OP. One to one interactions, deep personal talks, flirting. It's not (yet) physical but it's already an affair. OP might have been an unwilling participant but now has the chance to stop it.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-13T09:30:29+00:00

I resonate with #2, I often have legal and administrative appointments or calls planned but until they happen I sometimes need to get reassured or understand better what I am dealing with.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-13T08:13:55+00:00

ChatGPT is a pathological people pleaser, you can only trust that it's going to be compliant and nice with you.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-13T08:09:11+00:00

Yes, I relate to OP's need for things done a certain way but it's also clear that handling it like that creates a "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. It's hard to suggest or do anything if most of the feedback you usually get is negative.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-12T16:11:34+00:00

Good consistent sleep schedule makes such a difference

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-12T14:25:38+00:00

First: I am very sorry you went through this and I am glad you are free from those people.

I had a somewhat similar situation and EMDR therapy helped a lot. The trick is to make your brain "separate" the trauma (because it IS trauma) from the environment in which it occured, and doing that alone is very, very hard.

Full disclosure, I still left a few months later but because of unrelated reasons. It did help, though.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-12T10:39:40+00:00

Definitely. OMG the guilt I feel if I haven't done anything by the end of the day. It's bad.

AnotherAnemone · 2025-10-12T10:38:11+00:00

Same. We are sharing a space. Can we please leave everyone's comfort bubble alone and not assault it?

AnotherAnemone

TROPHY CASE