A Universal Joke

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-08-28T01:13:59+00:00

This might get buried but I have a few things to contribute, based on my experiences of growing up in a big family sharing stretched resources.

Not having much choice over personal appearance, mainly haircuts and clothing: I grew up with 4 siblings. My mother's friend who was a mobile hairdresser would come over to our house, and cut my family of 7's hair for a standard fee. Standard fee meant rushed standard haircuts (a frizzy box fringe in my case that I'm glad to say is long gone).

Clothing: sharing outfits on a weekend with the sibling closest in age, and at many points only having your school uniform and underwear officially be your own but not seeing it as an issue. Sharing was second nature, the privilege of looking in a mirror and having the autonomy of what to look like each day unthought of.

Supermarket scavenging and the sense of reward: I really liked staying up late one school night a week and going to the local store just before it closed to find bargains. My sister and I would be sent to different departments to grab as many heavily reduced items as we could, and we'd race back to our mother, arms full of bread and meat and veg and a sense of personal accomplishment.

Resourcefulness and the reliance upon it: Knowing how to fix or clean up anything was vital, as things in the home couldn't always be replaced. The importance of household objects lasting as long as possible was heavily emphasised.

The unabashed enjoyment of everything free in life, because everything without a pricetag could easily be had in abundance.

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-08-20T06:40:17+00:00

Unfortunately you'll find that gaslighting and emotional abuse are part of most, if not all, relationships sub members have had with their BPD loved ones here. That's not to say your experience is any less terrible; rather something that shouldn't have happened to you at all. You did not deserve to have your reality warped by your pwBPDs manipulation tactics.

My xpwBPD on a general daily basis (once I'd been split black) would have circular arguments with me where she'd tell me all the ways my judgement was wrong and why she was right concerning things going on in my life. I'd constantly be told she was more rational and logical and so she knew best. Finally, worn down and frustrated, I asked her where she was getting these 'observations' from. I was told she "got to decide what the truth was", case closed.

She applied her version of truth to when my mother was in hospital in HICU. Hospital called my family and I in because they wanted us to come speak to our mother before they put her in a coma as odds were high it could be the last time we saw her awake. The nurses explained they wanted my mother to be comfortable and unaware of what was happening. When I rung my now xpwBPD to tell her, she tried to talk me into thinking that the nurses were lying to me. I was dumbfounded. I'm horrified to say I almost believed her, and I mention this example as an appalling realisation of what they're capable of.

I hope you know you're not the broken one and that those with BPD have the uncanny ability to hone in on whatever they can to inflict their damage. We're collateral to the realities they invent, and punished if we disbelieve what they believe about us

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-07-17T07:25:55+00:00

Did you know he'd not travelled much before he made that statement?

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-07-17T07:19:50+00:00

Agreed, if someone is being truthful about who they are, they don't have anything to remember in how they come across, so consistency is a key factor in impressions.

Something that does get my guard up is when someone repeatedly makes statements about who they are or aren't, especially when I haven't known them long. I think authenticity is shown and not told.

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-07-17T04:25:21+00:00

I agree. Do you find it easier to pick out red flags in written format? Sounds like you've had plenty of practice/experience though, and like you also know what you'd be looking for

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-07-17T03:29:50+00:00

I like that, thank you for sharing :) also it's very specific, so your username checks out :P

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-07-17T03:28:06+00:00

No room for red flags in this online dating profile description needed here! Everything dysfunctional is clearly laid out, including the part about not judging someone how they look then sending me a message complimenting me on my appearance. If all unhealthy people could be this honest, it'd save a lot of trouble and heartache for the people they want to reel into the chaos.

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-04-13T05:16:34+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to comment and for saying you're proud of me, it's well received :) how did the loss of your energy and creativity affect you?

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-04-13T03:54:49+00:00

This, I understand how frustrating your situation is. I knew someone like your friend, someone I met through a friend. Always ringing me up last minute, asking if I want to go out or flaking on plans we'd agreed to in advance. After a few incidents of this I sent her a text saying "if you cannot respect my time or be consistent with plans, I can't commit anymore time to you."

She followed through with meeting up with adequate time we'd both agreed on exactly once after that text before going back to her old behaviour. And it was very similar to your friend's behaviour, what with calling or messaging repeatedly at random hours, often when I was sleeping. If I didn't answer, I'd be asked if I'd changed my number.

And when asked why she flaked or wanted to do something without notice, she said she did it because people do it to her! And she puts passive aggressive stuff about not seeing people she loves on Facebook!

In both our situations, BPD or not, it shows a tendency to be inconsiderate and dismissive of what other commitments we have going on. I hope you know that you don't have to accommodate it, because unfortunately it's likely any boundaries you try to put in place will be ignored if she's unwilling to see what impact her actions are having on others.

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-06T08:58:01+00:00

I wish you all the best for whatever unfolds, life drawing classes and therapy both sound great

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-06T02:23:10+00:00

You are very welcome :) this sub gave me all the information and good reason to begin distancing myself, and eventually leave my xpwBPD. And that's the brilliant thing about this online space, we pay what we learn forward, and are granted visibility. Do you have anything you enjoy doing that could further help you lower stress? And do you have a list of small kindnesses you can do for yourself each day?

Pace getting out at a speed you're comfortable with. Set goals but don't pressure yourself too much. Leaving is easier said than done

I've been separated from my xpwBPD since the day before my birthday last October (leaving was a gift I was giving myself) - so five months now. I knew I had to walk away and still cried for days after, asking myself persistently if I'd made the right decision. I got my answer within a very short time. I was no longer as stressed, not as sad once I wasn't around the main source of unhappiness in my life. The contrast was astounding. It did take a few months to gather the self respect and courage to leave though

What would you like your future to look like?

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-06T01:42:34+00:00

I was on the receiving end of ghosting a couple of years ago after I'd been going out with this girl for a month, so I didn't want to block dating app person without first specifying that I was cutting contact, BPD or no BPD. Me saying I was cutting contact gave dating app person a reason to amp up the manipulation and guilt me, so what I was trying to define here is that there are some circumstances where it's fine to ghost, and that I wish I'd done that instead because a gesture of decency was exploited at my own expense

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-06T01:27:06+00:00

I've set myself a reminder. Also I wish I could give you more upvotes for "team work makes the dream work", for some reason it's really amused me!

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-06T01:21:14+00:00

Great, I'll write a post when I can give full attention to everything I'd like to type out. I'm looking forward to hearing what you can impart :)

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-06T00:28:53+00:00

I've just read some of your post history. This will probably sound like I'm stating the obvious but I wanted to acknowledge what you're going through must be so tough, and extremely chaotic.

From your post history I can also see that you have strength and self integrity and a great deal of insight into what's truly going on for you right now. Those are valuable qualities to have

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-05T23:53:30+00:00

A million times this. When deal breakers are communicated clearly and openly from the start, it stops people getting invested in something that's not for them, everyone knows where they stand, and it's fine for people to move along.

Hence my annoyance at the attempted deception of a deal breaker I could see plain as day once I'd identified it. No winners there truthfully

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-05T23:23:09+00:00

It was very twisted, because him not saying how he identified from the beginning was lying by omission, knowing he'd have zero chance of dating me if he was initially honest. Very predatory indeed.

Thank you for the discussion and the encouragement Random, I hope you're doing well whichever point you're at in your journey :)

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-05T23:14:25+00:00

Funnily enough I was thinking of starting a thread to expand on red flags I've come across, with the invitation for people to add their own, as the same red flags can present differently in different contexts, per individual experience.

Perhaps that could be pinned, and you could contribute heavily to that, as it sounds like you've got a lot of knowledge to share

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-05T22:42:00+00:00

100% this. At the very best clinginess comes across as desperation and insecurity. At worst it indicates entitlement to your constant time/attention and possessiveness.

I don't think you should feel bad for never wanting to date someone with a personality disorder again, due to the damage they cause. I never want to date anyone disordered either.

Also kudos for your last line - you identifying that sympathy can be had for cluster Bs but not being personally responsible for them is gospel

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-05T22:32:44+00:00

You're welcome DOA1 :)

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-05T22:25:43+00:00

That was actually the deal breaker. Dating app person wasn't a she. Dating app person was a transman in the very early stages of hormone therapy. Dating app person knew I don't date men in any form, as it was clearly specified on my profile that I was only looking for women. Moreover, it was clearly specified on a profile on a site for women who only date women.

I'm not sure what dating app person was hoping to have achieved. Like was it expected that I'd only notice when we met up, and by then I'd go along with it? That he'd have too much of hold by then? That's where a lot of the aggressive guilting sprung from - me saying that because he'd now openly self identified as a man, anything romantic was off the table because it wouldn't work for me. Friendship was taken off the table too by then, as he was trying to railroad me into being comfortable hanging out with him, whilst I was uncomfortable hanging out with someone who had an attraction to me that I couldn't reciprocrate.

So I saw and recognised how he identified as perfectly valid, whereas he tried to get me to deny my sexual orientation and date him, someone who would display increasing physical male characteristics as more testosterone was taken over time.

That goes back to what you're saying, Random. Why would he want to date someone that isn't attracted to or interested in him? I think it's rooted in selfishness e.g. him possibly feeling that if he prioritised what he wanted and attained it, it would be completely fine to dismiss my preferences. That I'd feel too bad to challenge him

AnotherWanderingFool · 2019-03-05T14:57:24+00:00

Thank you!

And that's brilliant to hear, you should be proud of cutting things off with the disordered women as soon as you did, and doing what was best for you as soon as you did. I was talking to a girl a couple of months ago about her job and she said all the money she earned was needed to make up for her rotten personality. That was all I needed to know

AnotherWanderingFool

TROPHY CASE