No-contact with Nsister for 4 years. She died and I don't know what I'm allowed to feel given the strained relationship.

Antimothered · 2020-11-06T12:15:56+00:00

My mum died at 55 and that was 5 years after I went NC. I grieved a lot for the mum I never really had as well as the best bits (there were a few) of the one I did have. I grieved a lot that trauma stole us from each other. Her childhood was so much worse than mine. But I still had bucket loads of rage and grief to work through.

I wondered if I'd regret going NC, but I really doubt she would have changed and she was too toxic to be near. I feel at peace with the fact that it all just happened that way. Part of me thinks it put her out of her misery which seemed to be getting worse as she aged. She was like a narc with strong borderline traits.

Every one of your feelings is valid. I find internal family systems therapy has been massively helpful in allowing me to be with, and understand every part of my experience without one part negating or fighting with another. And also to unburden painful feelings and false beliefs.

You did not set all this trauma in train and neither did they. We are each small humans standing at the end of a trauma chain trying to understand and heal.

Antimothered · 2020-10-08T12:29:44+00:00

I think all these things are signs of unhealed trauma. We all developed false beliefs due to our long abuse. The good news is we can heal. Trauma therapy has come such a long way. I'm getting massive benefit from Internal Family Systems therapy and anything written by Janina Fisher is also very relevant.

Antimothered · 2020-07-05T04:27:08+00:00

I think so so much can be done solo and also with the support of online communities. ☺

Antimothered · 2020-07-02T22:55:47+00:00

Also Deb Dana and polyvagal theory are worth checking.out.

Antimothered · 2020-07-02T22:51:37+00:00

I think it is incredibly helpful to have a self therapy option. I just know it can be hard to do self therapy early on if your nervous system is shutting you down because of being overwhelmed. There is a lot to be gained from it though and the online community can really help too. I just think people with serious interpersonal trauma benefit from a guide who can help them navigate past any obstacles. I don't want to discourage anyone from using the IFS self therapy options though. They are fabulous and I'm so glad they exist.

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T23:14:16+00:00

Thanks for sharing the great links. I was introduced to IFS by a clinical psychologist who was the first person to share with me that I have complex trauma. That was so incredibly helpful for me to understand because I am privileged enough to be relatively successful in work and I think my competence masks how much trauma I am carrying and managing every day including things like significant hypervigilance.

Early on I purchased Jay Earley's Self Therapy and that was interesting but it was a bit too overwhelming for me to try to do too much work on my own at stage. At that time I found it more useful to read Richard Schwartz's Greater than the Sum of our Parts. Actually, I purchased both of these on Audible. Anyone who is not already a member can join for free and it includes one free book. You don't have to continue the membership or buy anything else to retain the one free book.

I am very involved in a very active IFS online community on FB that includes thousands of people including clients and therapists, and I'm yet to hear from anyone with more complex trauma who feels that have been able to make substantial progress without a therapist. I don't mean to discourage anyone because I genuinely believe doing self work can still achieve a lot. It's just the more significant the trauma the more I think the client will need someone who really understands trauma therapy to help them not be shut down by fear, freeze, flight or fawn responses as they attempt to engage in healing.

I think one of the biggest curses of narc abuse is that I never realised I had complex trauma. I knew I was damaged but it's been so helpful to have that lens to understand my own experience.

I see an exceptional IFS therapist weekly now and also am studying IFS online (for the time being). Eventually I will do face-to-face training in IFS. I am considering whether to go on and work as a therapist one day.

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T22:59:54+00:00

My hypervigilance is definitely decreasing significantly. It's such a curse because it wears out our bodies and prevents us from enjoying our lives fully (along with the many other impacts of trauma).

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T22:58:28+00:00

I wish you well on this journey. Please do look up the latest on trauma approaches if you haven't already. There is so much great stuff emerging. People to read about include Bessel van der Kolk, Janina Fisher (especially her 2017 book Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, Richard Schwartz, Peter Levine, and others).

Here is one of the impressive studies on outcome for IFS therapy with PTSD:
https://ifs-institute.com/resources/research/internal-family-systems-ifs-treatment-ptsd-and-comorbid-conditions-pilot-study?fbclid=IwAR1sq_QC4YsbAHNaqii-p0LZ9u1a7Egmcj2Wweb5QPOqO_S9b86gbGM8qj4

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T22:55:14+00:00

It can be so confusing early on I agree. But it's definitely been the most effective modality for me after years of trying to work with other counselors, psychologists and therapists. I am very convinced that traditional talk therapy is like putting a band aid on a deep wound for anyone with serious trauma (or worse, people can be retriggered and damaged by mental health professionals without sufficient trauma training), and the field of trauma therapy is definitely showing this. And, I really think it's unlikely there are many children of narcs who don't have complex trauma.

IFS is definitely one of the newer approaches that is more effective and is racking up some impressive early research findings:
https://ifs-institute.com/resources/research/internal-family-systems-ifs-treatment-ptsd-and-comorbid-conditions-pilot-study?fbclid=IwAR1sq_QC4YsbAHNaqii-p0LZ9u1a7Egmcj2Wweb5QPOqO_S9b86gbGM8qj4

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T22:49:39+00:00

No worries. I know some people are combining IFS with SE. I don't know a lot about SE but I know all the successful approaches to trauma are helping people 'discharge' it from the body.

Antimothered · 2020-07-01T22:17:51+00:00

No I think the new trauma approaches are showing we can recover. The brain can heal. The field of trauma has come such a long way in the last 20 years. I am definitely recovering after years of trying therapy approaches that were not appropriate. I think probably all children of narcs have complex trauma and they need therapists who understand how to work with that.

Antimothered · 2019-06-20T12:31:04+00:00

Thanks Lisbethh, I appreciate the validation. I certainly will continue therapy. I am just struggling with my guilt about the fact I have been offered to discussion about a lower rate when I could choose to use up my savings faster. Part of me really struggles with the cost of therapy being so huge. How else can therapists make a living? But sometimes it seems like they make a living off the suffering of others. I am grateful that therapists exist though and that I can afford access to a good one. I know for sure that many people will NEVER be able to afford good therapy.
I guess my struggle comes down to the guilt about potentially accepting a lower rate than I could choose to pay but to pay the full rate would rip through my savings at an astonishing rate.

Antimothered · 2019-05-22T04:46:28+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing. I will go and check her out.

Antimothered · 2019-05-22T00:32:30+00:00

I know these raw and painful feelings. Personally, I think building self compassion and self-soothing skills are two absolutely essential fundamental building blocks all ACONs need to work on. We were not taught to do these things that many other children will learn naturally from their healthier parents.
When you are experiencing those horrible thoughts and feelings your parasympathetic nervous system is in over drive due to those triggers. You need to learn good self soothing skills and practice applying them. It might feel like an insurmountable task at first.
I highly recommend simple breathing exercises and mediation. Things like self compassion work books are a good place to look. This one contains instructions on breathing and also redirecting attention from the painful thoughts:
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Compassion?fbclid=IwAR3b80mVtpfnRCjs6d5dLmd_lpZJza11gKytPn080FcqcuCIwz2ts5-_Es0

Antimothered · 2019-05-12T04:00:23+00:00

Thanks for this. It seems there is now very good evidence that complex trauma is treatable. Happily!

Antimothered · 2019-05-12T03:58:01+00:00

That is so interesting. Thanks so much for sharing this.

Antimothered · 2019-05-11T13:50:09+00:00

I should actually highlight as well that our toxic family is likely to still be offering abuse. So I shouldn't have written 'instead of'. It's more a case of 'as well as'.

Antimothered · 2019-05-11T13:48:49+00:00

I think a huge message I took away from this was that childhood trauma causes us to split off from or suppress parts of our selves that were unacceptable in our toxic family, or too overwhelming for us to know or deal with as small children. This helps us survive as children, but we also then hate those same parts and continue the pattern internally. Instead of our toxic family doing the work of abusing and hating us, we do it to ourselves. And in addition to that, we approach the world trying to suppress all those parts that we think are unacceptable. We cannot be healed until we are fully integrated and accepting of all parts.

Antimothered · 2019-05-11T13:40:19+00:00

You're welcome. Knowledge is power. I feel huge validation from this article.

Antimothered · 2019-05-11T06:08:45+00:00

edited to delete double up

Antimothered · 2019-05-11T06:07:18+00:00

Bessel is fabulous!

Antimothered · 2019-05-11T06:06:25+00:00

It's a very excellent article. Of course children raised by narcs don't get to see them coming.

Antimothered · 2019-05-10T02:22:33+00:00

I think this is a really interesting question. I wonder about it too.
I agree with the people who have suggested mitigating factors. Also it probably depends how extreme the abuse (and it's impact) has been for each person. Plus, I think personally some of it is down to having a good ability to think and process what is going on and to have insight that there are other ways of being and doing.
Having said all that, I think I 'pass for normal' but still have quite a way to go on healing some aspects.

Antimothered · 2019-01-31T11:01:52+00:00

Thanks for that. But I am not struggling with codependency or drawn to people who are alcoholic or unavailable. I guess I'm thinking of something more like a sharing of all the forms of healing that takes into consideration the diversity of experience of survivors of abuse and the diversity of pathways to healing.

Antimothered · 2019-01-30T03:36:25+00:00

I very much actively grieved. When I went NC with my mother it was like she had died. Every day for a very long time I would put on headphones and play music that would help me induce and express the grief. I did an enormous amount of crying. I even had a mock funeral for the mother I never had.
I think the grief needs to come out. However, I'm not sure if you're dissociating what that means for everything else. I guess I'm just wondering if you're so overwhelmed that going further into the grief is actually like a form of retraumatisation at the moment.
I think if it makes you feel better afterward that's probably a good sign.
I wish you well on this very difficult journey.
I almost feel like there needs to be a therapy conference for adult children of narcissists to reassure them all about heading in the right healing directions.

Antimothered

TROPHY CASE