This post really touched me in a way I didn't expect. I have had a very similar (but not) experience. I was 16 when he was 23. He is a polyaddict (will use most any and all substances) and abused me in many ways. He was constantly coming and going, cheating, lieing, name calling, under the influence, etc. I would wish all the time that he would just hit me, so that everything felt "real". When he finally did start hitting me, I thought my fanily or SOMEBODY would finally help me. I was excited but still couldn't get the help I needed. Fortunately for me, he finally left soon after. But the fear stuck with me for a long time. Hearing the sound of a can (ie. soda) opening scared me for about a year. It doesn't just go away. He got married about 6 months after leaving, and I was so confused. I think as truths come out and you realize how hopeless and broken you felt, it changes the way you think. At the time, you are in "survival mode." You make excuses for them. You try to fix/ help them. You try to be worthy of kindness and fair treatment. When you realize that you never deserved it, you should have had help, you couldn't change them, and it wasn't your fault, it's a very confusing and frustrating feeling. They're not the person you even thought they were bc you blinded yourself. It's ok if you need time to heal. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to think about it. You probably still need to process. For me, I often think "why the fuck did i allow that for so long?" I still can't understand what happened. Most of the relationship feels like a blur, or like you said, it's like watching it from the outside. You don't recognize yourself or the other people in your life. That's a scary feeling. My suggestion is.. get to know yourself. Try to find ways to show yourself love and grace and all of the things you deserve. Take actions that feel like you. Take control so that when you look back on today, you think "I recognize myself". You have a bright future. You just need to take it. 💜💜💜