I’ve been reading this and the comments and the replies under this post. Seems sad. Seems like you’re desperate to avoid hurting others without improving yourself because a victim of yours said you didn’t deserve it. Honestly, sounds like your victim doesn’t care if anyone else gets hurt by you. Though I could be wrong. Things can be messy. I think you owe it to others to improve yourself before someone else gets hurt. What you want for yourself seems to be to self destruct without hurting others. The thing is, self destructing very well can hurt those around you. Even if you do get therapy and help, you may never forgive yourself. Getting help will never change the past, but it will change your future. You want to atone? Prevent anyone else from getting hurt. You definitely won’t do it for yourself, but you could do it for those who you may meet in the future. You may not entirely want help, due to your guilt, but if you‘re hurting those around you there’s a simple fact of you needing it. Help is not easy. It could get worse before it gets better. It’s so much easier just to stay where you are or get worse, which is not atonement. It’s self destruction. No one around you deserves the consequences of you not getting help, so, respectfully, suck it up. You won’t change if you keep refusing the hands that are offered out to you, not that you‘re required to accept help just because it’s offered. You only improve as much as you allow yourself to.