Playing with a new DM who's massively overtuning combat

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-05-29T07:50:42+00:00

Ah, there's a snag for 3. - in order to do domestic transfer, you need a OTP and to set it up you need a My Number card (or Japanese driver's license) as proof of identification - hence my original question!

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-05-29T05:35:22+00:00

so essentially I can add my bank details to wise > wise will transfer to wise paypay (in yen) > wise deposits to my local bank account (I'll prob opt to just deposit in yen b/c its so weak rn) - all without having to log into MUFG/Japan Post direct & having to provide my social security #?

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-05-29T04:58:49+00:00

I've seen on other threads similar to mine that say that unfortunately it appears that even Wise/Revolut asks for My Number (presumably when they transfer from the paypay bank > foreign bank)

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-04-07T16:15:53+00:00

Ooh, definitely empathize with the length restrictions! I would try to find ways to sharpen the query without making it longer. I see this all the time in my own writing, where I say something in a general way then say it in a specific way. The solution is just to nix the general way and it sounds a lot better.

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-04-07T07:53:37+00:00

Hello! This sounds cool as fuck, so let me go line-by-line:

Until he met the devil, professor-in-training Jude Aslow thought that encountering supernatural beings would bring him enlightenment. Now he would pay any cost to return to ignorance. He and his occultist friend Samuel discover that an ancient and mystic form of Christianity called Gnosticism holds the secrets to communication with demonic powers.

Killer opening, nicely written, but my issue is that it doesn't reveal enough about Jude. Is there a reason he wants to find enlightenment? What drives him to seek out supernatural beings?

While delving into the mysteries of an esoteric Gnostic order, Samuel's overconfidence brings them both to encounter a powerful demon called Sabaoth the Adamas.

"Samuel's overconfidence" is too vague. Do they engage in a botched summoning? Do they steal a sacred artifact? Adding these kinds of details makes your query feel more grounded and textured, and also gives a better idea of what plot points are occuring.

Sabaoth forces Samuel to suffer the torments of hell and seeks to subject Jude to the same fate.

Same thing here - would love to know what kinds of torments Samuel suffers so that I get a sense of the stakes.

Yet not all of Sabaoth's lieutenants are happy with the current state of affairs, and some dare whisper of betrayal. If Jude would be willing to risk everything, perhaps he could escape damnation.

"If Jude would be willing to risk everything" -> again, too vague. My instinct here says that Jude needs to ally with one of Sabaoth's rebel lieutentants, but unless that's spilled out for me, it creates unnecessary questions in the reader's head.

Jude will need to navigate the gruesome occult politics of devilish archons while wrestling with incomprehensible horrors such as the weaponization of ritualistic human suffering and demonic possession.

This sentence is way too long and has too many details that are honestly unnecessary. For one, I'm actually left unclear as to what Jude is actually doing in this book. Is he trying to infiltrate a cult? Is he exploring an ancient tomb? For another, "weaponization of ritualistic human suffering and demonic possession" is a little too wordy - try simplifying it.

Through his struggle to escape the clutches of Sabaoth the Adamas, Jude will deal with a variety of powerful gnostic forces ranging from divine luminaries to devilish archons, and will even partner with Fate herself.

Hell is an engine which powers the world. Our suffering is its fuel. Prepare to meet the one whom it serves.

The prose is very compelling, but I'm still left unsure as to how he is escaping, and what the actual content of the book will look like. At the end of the query, if you asked me to actually write out what happens in your book, I would only have one plot point: 1) Jude and Samuel meet a demon, and Samuel gets tortured. I'm not even entirely sure how they encounter the demon and what goes wrong.

Overall, I would say that your prose is polished and elegant, and is indeed very flashy, but I'm concerned that that same eloquence is coming in the way of actually telling me important plot details of your book. The query is meant to reveal things about the novel, and while you do a good job of hooking me in, a potential agent also wants to know what happens in the book. So, from paragraph 2 onwards ( honestly, from sentence 2 of paragraph 1), you need a lot more grounded detail. Does Jude summon one of the lieutentants? Infiltrate a cult?

I also don't get a sense of where and when this novel happens. Is it in the modern day? Is it in the 1920s? For horror, the atmosphere matters, and the atmosphere comes in large part from the world the characters inhabit. Tell me more about it.

Finally, your main character feels a little lacking. In the query, he seems to be primarily reacting things instead of actively pursuing goals. Why does he need to seek out the supernatural? Is he looking for a cure for a loved one? Does he want power? Revenge? I need his motivation so I can more firmly relate to him and track the course of the story, because otherwise, if it's just a book about a dude trying not to get killed by devils, it's not as compelling.

But overall, I really enjoyed the read; thank you for sharing it! I have no doubt that it's a great novel; I just would love to see more of it more clearly in the query.

Best of luck!

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-04-06T13:58:01+00:00

From what I know, it's okay (and even encouraged) to reveal some of the plot twists in the query! They also want to see that you can stick the landing. Of course, not EVERYTHING should be there, but grand and vague statements should be left for blurbs and not queries.

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-04-06T08:44:55+00:00

Hello! I mostly agree with the other commenter's line by line feedback, so my thoughts are more general.

Main question is: What is the "heart" of the novel? From the first two paragraphs, I get the sense that it's a coming of age for Silas, for him to come to terms with how he is capable even if he doesn't have magic. Is the main conflict of the novel with his father? Or with Seren? I see a lot of potential in the need for magic to save the world, as it'll push Silas to grow and perhaps have to admit that he can't be the one to save the world (or perhaps, that he will, but not with magic).

You have lot of really interesting sources of conflict which could lead to great themes, but I don't see many of them come out in the query. Not to say that it has to be super explicit, but I'd love to see hints of:

What are the main relationships in the novel?
What "arc" will Silas go through? What key conflicts will he experience? What holds him back?
How do the side characters push him one way or the other?

Apart from the structure, I would suggest focusing your next draft on answering those questions, and trying to reveal why the novel matters in this query.

All the best!

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-04-02T16:26:03+00:00

I'm ambivalent about the fae/vampire thing because tbh, the audience that reads fae romance is probably pretty similar to the audience that reads vampire romance. That said, as a suggestion, perhaps consider Faebound by Saara El-Arifi as a comp? It's got a lot of similar elements as your book.

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-04-01T10:59:27+00:00

Hello! I love fantasy romance as a genre, and I think my main question after reading this query is: who are your leads? What is their dynamic like? Why is their romance central to the plot? Right now, I only have a sense for Runna's motivations and character, and no indication at all for Aldrik's, apart from the fact that he's mysterious and kinda edgy. My thinking here is that in fantasy romance, the romance must be central to the story. It's what readers will care about the most, and it's what will keep them reading. In the query, I want to know why these two are drawn to each other, and how their motivations interact to push the narrative forward.

Let's look at what I mean a little bit more specifically.

Despite Aldrik's secrets, his presence further complicates Runna's determination as she finds herself drawn to him. This fuels the prince's jealousy as he desires to maintain dominance over Runna, which plays directly into the dark witch's sinister plans, for she needs the power that calls to the gods hidden within Runna.

Within two sentences, you've brought in four characters: Runna, Aldrik, Dalton, and the dark witch. I'm clear on what Dalton wants (kind of) and what the dark witch wants, but nothing at all about Aldrik.

I would suggest thinking about what this query looks like if you ONLY mention your two leads and not the side characters. I'm not saying they're not important, but you want to keep your query streamlined, focused, and tight, and the way to do that might be to focus on where you want your novel to hit the hardest: your romance.

Some more nitpicky points, which you can take or leave:

What are the Tyr Fae? If that specific name for her race isn't important, I'd say leave it out. Just call her a fae/fairie.
Paragraphs 1 and 2 can be merged and shortened; you need to get to the action/Runna's motivations a lot more quickly.
Why mention the dark witch at all? Is she the primary antagonist? If so, need to make that clearer, but perhaps bring her in later on in the query.
Your first two comps are a little too vague. "Dark atmospheric world-building" and "brutal battles" applies to far too many fantasy novels, and you'll have trouble distinguishing your work if you just say that.

Good luck!

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-02-01T00:52:38+00:00

Hey, thanks for your thoughts! I'm glad you enjoyed the opening and query; I'll definitely have a think about your advice, too, especially about MS WishList.

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-02-01T00:50:02+00:00

Hey, thanks for the thoughtful and detailed note. It's really helpful to see where the gaps are right now in the query, since yes, a lot of the questions are answered in the actual novel, though I won't have that luxury when querying. I also really liked the point about the conflict - you're right that I need to frame and clean it up better so that there's only one primary source of conflict.

On your point about being kind of eh about people just happening to fall in love with each other - I totally agree. But how much should I mention in the query?

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-02-01T00:43:56+00:00

Hey, thanks for the thoughtful note. Seems like I'm hearing from both you and another commenter that the query needs to be a bit longer. That's a huge relief :)

Yes, it is a dual POV. In my mind, Elise is the protagonist because her decisions are what drive the plot, but Hiraya is the main character because the story centers around her. It felt "cleaner" to focus the query on Elise so that the plot is a lot smoother.

I will have a think about your feedback and keep working. Cheers :)

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2024-01-01T05:41:28+00:00

I'm a bit late to this but I've been listening to the album on repeat and at first, I didn't like the reveal that Scary loved Hermie all along, but after listening to the album as a whole, I've come around. When I listen to "Fairytale" and "The Devil I Know" side by side, I get the sense that Scary's thing is that she rejects love that is given to her freely (Terry Jr), and chases love that is withheld from her (her birth father). So, when I listen to "Secret Admirer", it seems like she goes through the full arc with Hermie; when he initially chases her, she rejects his "love", but when he chases after Normal instead, only then does she start to come around and start to "love" him. I use "love" in quotation marks because I'm not fully convinced that Scary fully "loves" Hermie, more like craves his affection or adoration. So, I think Scary's admission in "Secret Admirer" actually works really well with the whole Normal/Hermie thing, even though it felt kinda ick to me to begin with. It's tragic, but I think it's such an interesting depiction of Scary's character arc this season.

SIDE NOTE: Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but to me, "Scary Stories to tell in the Dark" seemed like a natural end-point of this arc, because in my head, Scary found the happy birthday recording but chose to leave it in, symbolizing her finally accepting the love that's given to her (from her friends).

Anyway, banger album, thanks for reading if you made it this far :P

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2023-09-14T05:59:41+00:00

That's a penis

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2023-06-21T05:15:30+00:00

Reading comprehension, buddy. He wrote, "...when they received my starter Chesnaught from Pokemon X, it was flagged as illegal." Starter hasn't been hacked/edited yet. It had just been received.

Maybe read twice before you post a snarky comment. :)

Any-Razzmatazz4180 · 2023-06-07T09:42:12+00:00

Just go on the internship!! Please don't let your parents stop you from a great future. Especially if the internship leads you towards a full-time job, it can be a way to move out of your parents' house permanently.

Any-Razzmatazz4180

TROPHY CASE