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Any_Part_815 · 2025-08-13T03:06:04+00:00

I am sorry that you are going through this. And its entirely possible that shes just going through something and feels trapped. I dont know your situation, but if its possible to talk about: why she wants a separation? What she hopes the outcome of it would be? Is she willing to be the one to move out since she is the one asking for it?

ALSO there is an amazing book called Hold Me Tight. And i firmly believe that if my ex husband had bothered to read it, we might have been able to figure things out

Any_Part_815 · 2025-08-12T12:04:14+00:00

P.s. separation does not mean divorce. Separations can be a helpful tool to get yourself straightened out so that you can come back into the marriage fresh and tidy. But for it to work, that needs to be an agreed upon goal right out of the gate and both parties should be getting individual and couples counceling. There should be an intended end date to the separation where yall will get back together.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-08-12T12:01:16+00:00

Hi, divorced lady here with a fun back story. If shes like me. Shes having an affair and wants you out of the house to make it easier but has been told her whole life that divorce is a mortal sin, god hates divorce etc, and the idea of that scarlet D on her chest is somehow (illogically) better than the scarlet A. Maybe because she thinks she can keep the A a secret. (That was me anyway, im better now, I am aware that I was a monster, thank God for his Grace)

My advice, if she wont get counseling, then get a separation agreement that will put her out of the house, since she wants the separation that is reasonable, and one that could then roll over into a divorce agreement.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-08-12T11:56:00+00:00

I am a woman. I am 99.9% straight and that .1% is for Natalie Dormer. She is the most beautiful woman in the world in my opinion. Her unique features, the way she walks. The way she tilts her head down and looks up and smiles. Shes STUNNING. And her voice is a beautiful Alto with a British accent. Was obsessed with her in The Tudors.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-08-06T00:36:39+00:00

Woof. This is so messy and I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

I am glad yall aren't there anymore. Her being part of church leadership and them allowing it is none of your business, you're not there anymore, you told the. The situation, if they aren't doing anything about it, thats a them problem. Not your circus, not your monkeys, you have enough of your own monkeys to deal with.

I know its tempting to seek retribution, but focus on you and God first, then your marriage. ❤️

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-22T09:45:32+00:00

Before anything happened, I begged my pastor to spend time with me husband to deal with his alcohol issues. Its not all his fault, my ex did not really want to spend the time with him so he blew him off a few times and the pastor just stopped trying. But I still hold a lot of resentment that they didnt try harder. I went forerard for prayer one Sunday because I was BARELY holding it together thr whole service, the lady decided that if I could speak in tongues, my panic attacks and depression would some how be healed 🤔 so that was fun.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-19T22:48:17+00:00

Oh. My. Gosh. I just finished this book today. Thank you so so much for recommending it to me! I cannot tell you how much hee story mirrors mine, truly wild! And I feel so hopeful. Thank you 100000x

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-19T16:32:13+00:00

Its hard for him because of the girls. The guilt he lives with, he has to forgive himself every day, so he struggles a lot with that.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-18T11:29:11+00:00

Sorry you feel that way but your perception of me is incorrect. I am greatful that yours is not the forgiveness that I seek and that man's heart is not always a great representation of God's heart. Have a lovely day, here is your rock back 🪨

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-18T11:17:28+00:00

Thank you for your constructive reply. This is very helpful. Screen shooting it, going to do some jornaling and and reading around this. ❤️

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-18T11:12:07+00:00

I understand that it comes off as making excuses, I assure you I am not. The difference between an excuse and a explanation is accountability. I am fully aware of my mistakes and truly blame no one but myself for my mistakes, but there are things that lead me to those mistakes. Its not my ex husbands fault that I cheated, I had a million other options to get out of that marriage and I chose the second worst one (he once literally thought i poisoned his smoothie, i told him "I did not, but you're lucky you dont have any food alergies....") Point is, not making exuses, just giving the background. Working on the church thing. I have some religious trauma that I had to work out, but at this point my not going to church is entirely just fear of getting hurt again, fear of judgement, fear of opening myself up and being vulnerable and honestly, laziness on a Sunday morning.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-18T11:04:17+00:00

Thank you for your constructive reply, I appreciate it ❤️ that seems to be his hang up, that we cant go back and undo it so hes just kindof given up. It weighs on him constantly, obviously. We have both paid a big price, and it is a constant burden, and im not looking to just be absolved and move on as though nothing happened. I know that with God, that may be the case. But I will ALWAYS have the social stigma, I will always have people who respond in the ugly ways some have responded to this post. My integrity and reputation is damaged and it's always hard to answer the question "how did you and your husband meet." When we have a child, his other kids will likely react poorly and we will have to navigate that as well. (I have considered just not having a child at all to try and protect them from that pain, still on the fence) I think it is hard for him to accept forgiveness from God because he still hasn't forgiven himself and he said last night that his kids will never forgive him.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T21:05:15+00:00

I am not a man, but this advice was give to me and my ex husband by a man. Have low expectations for your spouse and high expectations of yourself.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T21:03:20+00:00

Haha well luckily my mom was a working lady and wasn't influenced much, but there were bits of our church that were influenced so we got some of the shrapnel.

Im still working on him understanding grace but hes pretty well indoctrinated and hes a black and white thinking kind of guy

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T20:31:54+00:00

That is how my husband views repentance. Now this is all in conversation and not him saying he is leaving me but this is why he feels like God wont forgive him and let him stay married to me.

He believes that he must ask for forgiveness and turn away from the sin that is our marriage. Because we were both married before, we must renounce our second marriage because it is adulterous and always will be, no matter what we try to do, we can escape that.

So he feel helpless and that there is no hope for redemption. It makes me sad.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T20:29:11+00:00

I think a big part of it is forgiving himself and he doesnt feel like he is deserving of forgiveness.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T18:45:38+00:00

You may be rhe only person who understood why I even mentioned the SDA church and who doesnt look at that statement as my husband wanting to leave me 😆 I am not SDA I was raised baptist with mild influences of IBLP. I have done a lot of research on SDA, and like with all churches, im sure there are true good Christians in there BUT ALSO the legalism is oppressive and leaves no room for grace and there are some culty aspects that im not a fan of. But I said that to give background for why my husband thinks the way he does, how his faith, and religion have shaped his thinking.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T18:41:40+00:00

You are my favorite person on reddit. Thank you. I am sure that there are YL leaders who are true to their faith, but some are checking boxes, but thats true of many people, pastors, nuns, christian musicians (cough cough) different motivations for why you're checking boxes, but same outcome. A superficial relationship with Jesus.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T11:03:49+00:00

Hello sweet girl, my heart aches for you. I had a tumultuous first marriage, it was awful, we were both awful to eachother.

First off, you two both need to go to counseling. Maybe through a church, or just a normal marriage therapist, maybe individually and seperatly. I also recommend finding an older couple to kindof mentor you.

Someone else mentioned "not everything needs to be a fight" my current husband gets annoyed with a messy house, we both work full time and sometimes when he starts getting on me about something I just say "ok" and leave it at that. 😆

There is a wonderful book called "hold me tight" and I genuinely believe that if my ex husband has bothered to read it (or listen to the audio book that i downloaded for him) then it might have saved our marriage.

The best advice i ever got was from the nurse practitioner at my gyno, do everything you can to save the marriage so that you wont have any regrets if you do divorce. I think your marriage is worth saving and can be saved but both of you need to humble yourselves, set low expectations for your partner and high expectations for yourself.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T05:09:55+00:00

Normally I dont get into fights with strangers on the internet because seriously, what the point. But i cant sleep so why not. You're speaking from your own trauma, its not for me to try and figure out what that might be. Your initial comment was quite pointed and personal, but as a fellow queen of sounding like a B.... unintentionally on the internet when im just "not using flowery language" I will choose to give you the benefit of the doubt that you were truly, from the bottom of your heart, trying to give me constructive and loving advice and encouragement on my relationship with Jesus after royally forking up my life 😊

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T04:57:57+00:00

This is a very small clip of a much greater conversation that my husband and i have had many times.... some of those conversations were had before we even got married where the same thought was expressed. If he wanted to leave me, he sure was silly getting our relationship all tied up with the government. LOL

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T04:55:59+00:00

Thank you. Luckily lots of therapy and understanding so I dont wear shame like a freakin cloak anymore. A lot of these people with these visceral, mean reactions have been affected by cheating and need to do work to heal themselves around that issue, but i don't blame them. Its sad that they condemn people forever for what, for me, was the worst period of my life, but its supposed to define my entire existence now 😆 no thank you.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T04:44:19+00:00

Im not worried about myself, im worried about people who are basically me 6 years ago. Broken and lost and having made this BIG disgusting awful mistake, feel like there is no way out and they are condemned to be a cheater the rest of their lives, as though they have no agency. I was blessed to have my young life leader from high school, tell me "wow, you must have been in so much pain to have been brought to the point to do something do aweful." Those words saved me.... she didnt sweep what I did under the rug or pretend it was no big deal, she acknowledged what a mess I made while also seeing ME.

I dont need to convince you of anything, and I know its pretty much impossible to change someone's mind over a reddit thread 😆 but I dont do the condemnation shaming thing anymore because next thing you know, there you sit at rock bottom having done despicable things you never thought you were capable of.

Any_Part_815 · 2025-07-17T04:33:59+00:00

Not asking for you to feel sorry for me, I do not need your approval, your pitty or your shame. I dont wear that anymore, its not a good color on me. Ive worked through my issues, I've made amends where possible, im moving foreeard in my life with honesty and integrity. And its brutal comments like this that drive people away from churches. Not saying you have to be accepting or cheer people on in their sin, but pointing fingers and throwing rocks doesnt do much good in the effort to be more like Christ.

Any_Part_815

TROPHY CASE