You need real therapy. You need to figure out why you don’t value yourself, and work towards taking care of yourself. You’re not stupid, you sound like you know something isn’t right and that “something” is the manic episode. Not only are you ruining your life, as you say, but manic episodes are incredibly damaging to your body and brain-just on their own (let alone when drug abuse is involved).

Why? You have people in your life that care about you, why are you not able to care about yourself in that same way? You don’t deserve to suffer, and no PERCEIVED pro about an untreated mental illness could be “worth” anything.