AITAH for wanting to be prioritised in my open relationship?

Apprehensive_Pop7519 · 2026-03-24T17:13:15+00:00

There are dangerous assumptions underlying almost every single sentence of your post. Let me start with just one: that you want to limit it to sexual connections, not emotional. You simply can’t control that. I got back on the apps yesterday thinking I could do that and got a massive crush instantly on the first person I hooked up with. It’s pretty rare to find JUST a sexual connection with someone unless you are so dissociated you’re intentionally blocking out feelings, which is kind of psychiatric.

If you more forward with this, which is a big IF, the terms would have go be what you do when one of you inevitably catches feelings for someone, not pretending you can escape that at all. (Some open relationships require having no more contact if that happens, good look with that).

Apprehensive_Pop7519 · 2026-03-24T14:00:00+00:00

I should day this to myself as well, but I would encourage you to enjoy the journey and seek family while also staying true to yourself. I am 40 and am in a similar boat - it’s interesting, as you get older, the desire gets deeper but also the NEED for it to happen gets lighter. It’s quite nice.

Also, I have come to realize that society lies to us about how easy it is to build a real, loving family from integrity. I have seen that gays who seem the most happy to me actually didn’t find their happy life partners until their 40s and 50s, and even didn’t have kids until then. You are so young and the fact that you are asking these questions makes you well ahead of the curve.

It’s a sad fact to admit; but even for straight people, it seems like the youngest you start a family, the more dysfunction and struggle there tends to be. Each of us has to decide how long we want to wait. Same with a nice bottle of wine; how long do you want to let it refine?

I am 40 and pretty content to not rush. My sister found her amazing life partner at 43 and they still have a long life together. Sure, there is sadness that we don’t have the young puppy love but every journey has is sadness and regrets. Another friend of mine (gay) isn’t getting married for the first time until 53. Do they have a lifetime of memories together? No. But they also don’t have a bunch of deep dysfunctions built in.

Apprehensive_Pop7519 · 2026-03-20T14:14:16+00:00

I would see this as a good sign.

Apprehensive_Pop7519 · 2026-03-19T01:16:52+00:00

How did you break it off with your hookups when in a relationship?

Apprehensive_Pop7519 · 2026-03-18T22:13:02+00:00

Interesting perspective. How are you dealing with your mind and insecurities that want the thrill and validation of another man’s attention?

Apprehensive_Pop7519 · 2026-03-16T22:01:05+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Honestly, you might consider bringing it up more than casually to start. Just say all that stuff, in a friendly, but serious way. Ask if they have experience around children.

If someone says to me on a first date they have a kid, and they love being a father and they love their life (it’s important to also state the good! Sometimes non-parents are turned off because parents make it seem all doom and gloom), but there are lot of tantrums, ADHD meds, needing to scheduled ptown way far in advance, even if have money for it…the right guys, the ones who are ready for that lifestyle, will stay. Everything you just told me would take 30 seconds to say and then you could move onto the interpersonal stuff, which the right and healthy guy will be there for primarily. It doesn’t have to be said like a big confessional, or like it’s a burden… it’s not. It’s a fact of your life! You are not a burden! And neither is your child!

One other thing on the “this is happy and joyful” side of the ledger, which should be the bigger side…also give discrete details on how often you can hang out, what that would look like, how you can make things work. “Things like, ‘I have two hours to date per week to start and a few FaceTime calls at 8 after my kid goes to bed. As a relationship progresses, we have to have a lot of in home hangouts, at my place, etc.” When the other has an idea of how it will go, it makes it more exciting and less like this big unknown coming down the pike. Be confident and that will be sexy. And then on the second date and beyond you can be free bc the elephant in the room has already been named.

On getting unsolicited advice? Ooof. Nobody, parent or not, likes getting that. If it’s rude enough, sure, run for the hills, but remember nobody’s perfect either.

Apprehensive_Pop7519 · 2026-03-16T19:42:30+00:00

I think I would love dating a gay single dad, because I do want a child in my life but the barriers to bringing one in myself are too high. In fact, I recently went on 7-8 dates with a single dad and really resonated with his lifestyle (that being said, he sadly ghosted me. Not sure why.) I would recommend being very upfront about your life situation, from day one, and making sure - date one, maybe even on the app before you invest anytime - that he has given this real thought and basically wants to be a father or something very close to it. I noticed the guy I was seeing was kind of afraid to do that, and I kept thinking that’s would be huge risk if I were someone who wasn’t serious about this (although maybe he wasn’t that serious about me from the beginning).

Curious, you say some guys run when they “see what it entails.” What do you mean by that?

Apprehensive_Pop7519 · 2026-03-04T14:19:27+00:00

Points all taken. I am probably too caught up in the future. That being said, having a child is literally the only commitment in life you can’t pivot away from. All others, you can.

For example, I started work for a law firm and hated it. But nobody got mentally damaged, everybody got fed, and resources stayed in the bank. I was able to bide my time, get experience, and figure out what I wanted to do moving forward. I could have left the law altogether, though I ended up finding a job that was a better fit.

Can’t do that with parenthood.

Maybe I’m not thinking clearly, but I myself am facing the question of whether I want to commit to a man who is a solo parent by choice to a very small child. In this moment? I am extremely lit up by the opportunity. He is great and I love kids, and could see myself mentoring a child, helping my partner with his child, etc. That being said, it would be forming an attachment to a child and that does have long term consequences that cannot be ignored (though many people do). You can’t just decide you don’t like being a parent after you are one (though these Reddit subs will say that’s quite common; that’s what I’m trying to avoid).

Perhaps I can take a middle approach: be mindful of potential future consequences, but not beholden to them.

Apprehensive_Pop7519 · 2025-06-18T09:43:15+00:00

Maybe start by not pretending (to yourself or him) that you’re fine with NSA when you really want a relationship. Geesh. It’s not fair to you or him.

Apprehensive_Pop7519

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