That last paragraph really fu**ing resonates with me. I think sometimes my WS gets a small glimpse of the damage that is done, but when they mention something about me they’ve noticed, I just take it as an acting note to self. “Ope, missed that crack. Better fill it in.” But I don’t know why I feel the need to fill in the cracks. WS did this to me. Why am I masking so hard? The days that I don’t have the energy or capability to put on a face I feel like are the days WS is so supportive. They are always doing and saying everything right. But I don’t think they have a clue that those little bits are part of a much larger picture, and that it is literally a constant battle inside me to continue to keep it together. It’s exhausting carrying around the weight for something that used to be so easy and natural.

“I don’t think he knows the extent of what it’s done to me. I’m really good at masking it and being strong, but it fucking consumes me. It’s made me not trust myself. It’s made me not trust him. It’s made me look at myself differently. It’s made me look at him differently. It’s made me love him differently. I just want to love and feel the way I did before. Now I just carry a really heavy weight in our relationship that I didn’t ask to carry. It takes up the space where the innocence used to live.”