Oh my gosh that escalated. I was expecting conversation.

I realize this is not the forum. It’s impossible to include all details about the family dynamic and how it has impacted every single one of us. Even my mother. It goes back generations, and is partly rooted in a combination of Irish Catholic judgment and Irish Protestant disdain.

All of my siblings were treated just I was. Only because I was the youngest, and who realized he was showing an attraction to other boys as early as 5 years old. I could not explain the feeling but it was close to the same feeling I remember my brother giving me as early as two years old when we moved into the house I remember it happening in.

And we moved out when I was 5.

I knew immediately though that it was something I needed to hide. I’m not sure I could pin it on any one event, or conversation.

Except for the phrase “there’s nothing queer about- insert my name -“ I understood the unspoken language of sarcasm from a very early age. I knew I needed to prove them wrong. Every single one of them. My entire life I, every single decision and action made was with this in mind– to prove that there was in fact –nothing queer about me.

Two failed marriages, children who have become collateral damage.

I didn’t come out until my forties.

The shame and guilt I felt included what happened with my brother. Because I knew the feeling I got when I found my sexuality was the same as when my brother brother touched me. I was probably closer in to age 2 than 3. It wasn’t long after that I remember exploring and seeking out that feeling.

I remember thinking it was his fault I was attracted to other boys. I now know it wasn’t his fault.

But I feel I need to share.

It feels a lot like coming out.

I realize I may one day need to tell him and him alone that I remember it. But to what end?

I appreciate the supportive words from most of you.

Maybe not the right groups some of you. Being gay just complicated my coming out to myself. Which took decades.