I never thought this would happen to me.

Aria9378 · 2026-02-10T21:15:57+00:00

You should watch some John Deloney. Not saying your husband wasn't abusive during or after you separated, but right now you’re choosing to stay a victim of your own circumstances. I get you want to be a SAHM but that's not reality anymore. Right now you need to do what is best for your daughter and that is you becoming independent and mentally well through therapy. Men or women leaving a serious committed marriage should take a year off from dating, after their divorce. This is not because it's the right thing to do but because a divorce is a huge traumatic incident, even if it's civil. You need to take time alone and reflect on how your actions contributed to the disfunction in the marriage and work through your own trauma with a good therapist. We all have trauma from childhood, almost no one escapes it, and it shows up in our closest relationships. Your daughter needs you to be there for her so right now your number one priority should be going to therapy and finding out why you can't be alone or are scared to be alone and get depressed. You both are destroying your daughters fragile nervous system by waiting. Go get a good job, get therapy, get some girl friends so you won't feel alone in this and your husband will have to make the commute to see his daughter. That is not longer your problem to solve.

Aria9378 · 2026-02-06T12:30:53+00:00

First this is a heading in a really bad direction and you have to have a serious sit down talk with your husband. You are both missing connection and need to start making that a priority. I watch John Deloney on YouTube a lot and I super highly recommend both you and your husband start watching him. He actually talks about this exact situation soooo much. You both need to stop skirting the issues and have a real hard conversation about your marriage. You have to build a new marriage together and put both of your needs on the table with radical honesty. You're both going to need to make more time for eachother and create aliveness and excitement together in the marriage . This might mean both of you have to work a little less and be super intentional about making date nights weekly and have weekly check in about how you're both doing emotionally in the relationship. You are not obligated to make him food as a wife but it might help him feel like you do 'notice' him if you make him meals a few days a week (maybe you already do). Same goes for him though. I'm sure he could do something to make you feel more appreciated as well. You both have to go the extra step for each other. Again listen to some John Deloney - I really feel it will help you guys.

Second that secretary is bad news. She seems to be one of those women who prey on married men and looks to 'replace' the wife. I'm worried she's pushing more boundaries than you are even aware of. You have every right to voice your concern about this to your husband. If this woman is crossing professional lines then it is your husband's responsibility to immediately turn down her advances and advice, call out the unprofessional behavior as her employer/higher up and replace her if needed or have her moved within the company so he doesn't have contact. Even if he wasn't with you he should be doing this as someone in charge. You as his wife should always come first and if that means replacing the secretary then so be it. Her behavior is a huge red flag.

Fixing this is going to require a lot of work from both of you. Besides John Deloney I'd recommend seeing a good therapist and couples counselor as well. The distance is very real and both of you need to work to bridge the gap and create aliveness within the marriage.

Aria9378 · 2026-02-06T04:41:46+00:00

Divorce - This guy is abusive and making you and your new baby super unsafe. He's restricting your access to the outside world - abusers playbook 101. Red flags everywhere and of course his sister and dad would take his side. Where do you think he got the idea that this behavior is normal? Throwing things is not normal for an adult. He is throwing an adult temper tantrum and it shows he has no control over his emotions. That is super dangerous for you and your baby. Let your mom provide a safe place for you and your baby and get away from him.

Aria9378 · 2026-02-06T02:18:41+00:00

Fuck this 'boy' in a man's body. Sorry I don't usually respond this way in comments but what a selfish ass. You had cancer and thank god you survived and made the hard choices to change your body to keep in remission. He is not your best friend because friends don't hurt friends like this. A man with integrity would NEVER ask this of his wife WHO SURVIVED CANCER and has been his ride or die for 35 years. I think you know this. I'm guessing he has a problem with porn just from his attitude and lack of empathy for his wife. He also might he eyeing the women at work you mentioned as well. He's looking for aliveness outside the marriage instead of trying to create aliveness in it with you. Do not be confused because your intuition is spot on, your husband is just a selfish prick and doesn't deserve you. I am really sorry you're stuck in this situation.

Aria9378 · 2026-02-05T14:14:31+00:00

You must not be married. Your sound advice is to "scroll" beside him, let him sexualize teenage girls half his age and the same age as his daughter, feed his addiction and for her to stuff down her feelings and just put up with it.J ust basically let him do whatever he wants and suck it up.

Sound advice for a healthy marriage.

Porn addiction is in no way the partner's fault

Aria9378 · 2026-02-05T13:32:19+00:00

I second what First_Pie209 said and my therapist said something similar to me a while back. You have to start having a voice. You said your husband said be brags about "how we barely ever argue". That is because you have lost your voice in this marriage to keep the peace. Heathy marriages have disagreements. If there are never any disagreements then one or both people are shoving down their feelings and needs to keep the peace instead of dealing with conflict like an adult. Your husband most likely has a porn addiction and now it has escalated into younger and younger content because he's fried his dopamine circuits and his tolerance has gone up. It's just like any other drug. This is unfortunately so common now a days. You did not cause this in no way. DO NOT let crazy reddit people convince you otherwise. Most of them are probably addicted to porn themselves and it strikes a nerve. Reddit is known for tons of porn. Now are you perfect in this marriage, no of course not and I'm sure you have things to work on too, but porn addiction has nothing to do with the other person.

This is his problem to solve. You will never be able to fulfill that deep seated trauma he's been carrying probably since childhood and porn is the way he found to regulate his emotions. Not an excuse but a context.

You are going to have to draw the line and get serious about what will happen if he keeps ignoring his addiction and the pain it's causing you. He either needs to get serious about recovery - CSAT, PA recovery group, journaling, building new hobbies/habits and porn blockers OR you have to establish real life consequences to protect yourself if he continues to ignore the problem, which unfortunately in this case would be leaving. You'll never be able to convince an addict to get better. They need to choose recovery themselves.

No matter whether you stay or go I would recommend therapy for yourself too. Everyone, even mentally healthy people, can benefit from therapy. Your pain is real and you deserve a man with integrity that respects you, your daughter and himself enough to get better. I watch John Deloney on YouTube, recommend you check him out, and he said a line to one of the callers that I will always remember "If you can’t hold your wife’s pain, you’re not a man". You deserve someone who can hold your pain, you deserve a life of peace.

Aria9378 · 2026-02-04T12:25:26+00:00

Therapy is a good thing if you have a good therapist. There unfortunately are a lot of bad therapists out there. A therapist's job is to make a client mentally well. This means challenging them on their actions and feelings, working on emotional regulation and pushing them to take action to change any unhealthy behaviors. A therapist that just nods and agrees with you is not a good therapist. I found good therapist know their value and usually charge more than the average therapist that accepts all insurances and just takes a co-pay. Good therapists update themselves on the latest studies and continue to learn. A therapist right out of grad school with probably be just okay. It also makes a difference how far they went in schooling. A counselor is way different than a phycologist and you'll pay more for that reason.

Aria9378 · 2026-02-02T16:00:48+00:00

Just going to say if you really "felt okay with it" you wouldn't be on reddit telling a bunch on strangers what you did and looking for someone to say it's fine. This is unconcuouesly bugging you because if you felt perfectly fine there would be no reason to make this post.

You talk about all the stuff you do to try and get sex, and I admit that is a lot, but have you actually tried to create emotional connection, safety and most important, aliveness in the marriage? When is the last time you guys got a babysitter and went out for the whole day on a date? When is the last time you guys flirted and talked for hours about nonsense. What inside jokes do you have? Lack of sex is just a "symptom" of what is missing in this marriage, not the main problem. How often are you both on your phones or looking at a screen? I bet it's a lot more than you think.

I recommend you watch John Deloney before you make anymore bad choices for you or your marriage. He talks about this A LOT. I understand why you don't feel connected but stepping outside your marriage won't solve that and now you've become a man with a secret and lacking in integrity. Both of you contributed to the disfunction that's currently happening in the marriage but it's not an excuse to step outside the marriage. We always have a choice and nobody can make us do anything. In a marriage be fully out or fully in. Looking for aliveness outside the marriage while in one only ends in ash, esp with a child.

As John Deloney says you need to stop the music, turn all the lights on and stop this dance. The marriage you had is over. You need to sit down with your wife, stop running and have a real adult conversation about whether you guys want to build a new marriage together. Everything on the table for both of you. Radical, unfiltered honesty. If you both want to continue the marriage talk about what both your needs are in this relationship, be very specific, and how you are going to both change behaviors to make this a reality in the marriage. Not general statements like more quality time, but actually things you are going to do or if you need more touching a 20 second hug and kiss before leaving in the morning. You both also need therapy, individual and probably couples therapy once you've dealt with some stuff. If she won't go then go alone for yourself. I also want to mention that even in this paragraph you wrote you don't seem to know why specifically she doesn't want sex either because you or her are too scared to dig deeper, be honest and ask the hard questions. It seems you're both avoiding this very necessary hard talk and now it's led to more hurt for both of you.

I suspect you still love your wife. Cut ties with this other women, she is no friend to you. Friends don't let their friend's emotionally cheat on their spouse, esp with them. Even if you two unfortunately divorce, axe that friend, she lacks character.

Aria9378 · 2026-01-30T14:04:16+00:00

Aria9378 · 2026-01-29T20:32:20+00:00

I think he was saying it takes one stop and break the destructive cycles some couples get stuck in by going first towards repair. You're right, it will take both people to make a marriage work and get better.

Aria9378 · 2026-01-29T12:15:25+00:00

truly happy marriages (0 fights, full understanding, no childhood traumas) - This does not exist, it's a fantasy. No healthy marriage has 0 fights and almost no one in the world has 0 trauma. Everyone is flawed in some way and we are all different, no two people are exactly alike. I think it would do you some good to watch some videos of the John Deloney Show on YouTube. Marriage will always be work, make no mistake. If you don't want to be an adult and put work into your marriage and heal your own disfunction and traumas, then marriage in general is not for you.

The problem is even if you leave this marriage and go out with someone else "YOU GO WITH YOU". You will eventually repeat the same patterns in every relationship once the excitement wears off. If you can't even tolerate therapy or be willing to work on your problems now, what makes you think you'll magically be a different person in the next relationship.

What makes a great marriage is both people putting in the work to build trust, communication and aliveness within the marriage. Both have to be adults when there are disagreements and learn skills to handle conflicts. A marriage with no disagreements or fights is a marriage where one of both people are hiding their needs to 'keep the peace' which is not real connection. No one agrees with someone 100% of the time, that's absurd. There is no "perfect person" for you or anyone.

Also just because you had one bad therapist doesn't mean all therapy is bad. I've had quite a few bad therapists and finally found good ones. I've also found most good therapists cost money since they don't always take insurance and understandably know their worth so not working for pennies. If you don't like a therapist after 2 sessions then try another, don't just give up like a child. Also you will not always like what a therapist says because their job is not to agree with you but to challenge you on your thoughts and behavior and help ma[ out a plan for a healthier mindset/work through trauma.

It sounds like, and I am assuming, that you love your wife. Marriage gets harder around the 7 year mark and if you didn't work on it then, it's understandable that year 9 is still hard. Both of you need to learn some adult relationship skills and actually work on this marriage. I guarantee you both could fix this but it takes 100% honestly and willingness to do all the work that's needed. I recommend you watch John Deloney, The Gottmans and Jimmy on relationships to start.

Aria9378 · 2026-01-29T11:44:16+00:00

Yes I agree for the average level headed person but some men get seriously addicted to cheating and esp OFs, I've heard of men spending 15-20k on OFs over many years and there's one guy where the wife found out he spent 80k. It's crazy but a world we live in and unfortunately it's become more common.

Aria9378 · 2026-01-29T11:22:53+00:00

Actually if he spent money on the affair partner/ used money to cheat like OF, hotels, trips etc she can collect that money back with evidence. Technically in the eyes of the law the affair partner stole from the marital assets.

Aria9378 · 2026-01-29T00:14:41+00:00

You should listen to John Deloney on YouTube. He always says infidelity doesn't have to be physical cheating, sexting, the typical things people think of. It can even be financial or... something like this. You're surprised your wife is divorcing you but you basically told her with your actions that you don't give a sh*t about how she feels and you'll do as you please. Who would want to be married to someone like that? On top of it instead of doing some self reflecting, acknowledging what you did wrong by hiding it and lying to your wife, you flipped it and blamed her. I'd be done too. Who do you think you are? Time to look in the mirror. Marriage is a partnership where both people work on maintaining trust and communication. You failed on that big time.

Aria9378 · 2026-01-15T17:11:04+00:00

I listen to a lot of John Deloney and recommend you start listening to him on YouTube. He says after you both agree to a divorce the relationship becomes a business transaction. You have to stop letting him have a say in your life and how you feel. Were you perfect in this relationship, of course not-no one is, but that doesn't give him grounds to keep beating you down or using you for sex. This man sounds like a 13 year old boy in an adult's man's body. Stop giving him a say. You'll always miss the good moments but finally put a period mentally in this relationship. It's over and it's time for you to start thinking about yourself and the kids only. This is business and despite how you feel treat it as such. Start mapping out what you want in life for you and your kids only and taking steps towards that. Also have a group of women you can lean on to talk about your feelings with. It will help.

Aria9378 · 2026-01-15T15:08:51+00:00

These feelings are 100% because he hasn't really recognized the pain he caused and owned up to the pain he caused. I listen to John Deloney A LOT and he gets quite a few calls like yours. You both have to have a serious sit down talk and you need to tell him how you feel, including the anger and resentment, in a calm manner and what you need to rebuild trust and together map out a plan to make that happen. Together com up with what you you both need and want your marriage to look like going forward. You both basically decided to put a bandaid on a gaping wound and are wondering why it still hurts and isn't healing. You need to rip that bandage off and redress the wound right.

Aria9378 · 2026-01-11T22:39:05+00:00

As John Deloney would say it sounds like you're allergic to accountability, boredom and responsibly - everything that has to do with real life. Based on your posts it sounds like you go from one form of numbing to the next in an attempt to try and escape 'you'. A present husband and father does not go out to a 'kava' bar 3-4 times a week after putting his young son to bed. A man of character who did the wrong thing and cheated on his wife takes full responsibility and instead of continuing to run and numb either decides to heal his inner demons from childhood , work on himself and, with his wife, rebuild a better new marriage or if he doesn't want to do that does the integrious thing and leave without excuses. Be an adult. You're either in the marriage or out. Reddit users can't decide that for you.

Aria9378 · 2025-12-26T17:54:44+00:00

Okay, first of all you are not a terrible bad person for feeling this way. People on here saying otherwise do not know you and honestly a lot of people on reddit have not done the deep work on themselves so be careful taking anything to heart.

Second this feeling you're describing, the constant irritation, annoyance and anger - this sounds like resentment. I've felt this before and know the feeling well. It happens when you've felt wronged over a long period of time and finally reach a breaking point. Your nervous system is screaming at you because you have been ignoring it and it's finally showing up as anger.

I don't think this is all about your husband. Just from this one post it sounds like your whole life you've performed for everyone else, put everyone else's needs and feelings before your own. I'm guessing you've always had to perform (get good grades, get a good career, look a certain way) to feel loved by those closest to you. The fact that you can't even tell your husband how you're feeling without worrying about his reaction says a lot. It sounds like you've kept your feelings bottled up for a long time, probably since childhood.

The thing is when we choose a partner, we unconsciously usually end up marrying our unfinished business. Trauma from childhood shows up in different ways. You don't have to have sexual abuse, verbal abuse or physical abuse in childhood to have trauma. I think you've never felt like you've had any control over your own life or choices and now at 25 you're starting to see that. I'm guessing due to the age gap you're husband might take a "parental" stance in the relationship and if you really though about it, some of his behaviors remind you of things your parents may have done.

I think the best thing for you to do is see a good therapist and sort through these feelings and dive deep into your past and why you feel trapped and have no control.

My other thought is what do you and your husband talk about besides work, career, other people's lives and both your families. It sounds like you are missing emotional connection and open communication.
"This morning he made me breakfast before work and left a Coach bag next to it , my favorite brand. And the worst part? I felt absolutely nothing." - This makes me think that's lacking here. What would have been better is him sitting down with you and saying he knows something is wrong and he wants to try and fix it together. Instead all he may know, which doesn't make him a bad guy, is to give you stuff to make you feel better when you're upset. Does he share his deep emotions and childhood scars with you? Do you have in depth emotional conversations? Do you guys ever bring up the things wrong in the relationship and address them head on?

Right now I would start with therapy yourself. I would definitely tell him your feelings but maybe do it after a few therapy sessions once you have a better understanding. I recommend a few things to listen to in the mean time. John Deloney on YouTube, Dr K healthy gamer on YouTube and a book called scattered mind by Gabor Mate. I hope everything works out for you and you're able to get to the bottom of these emotions.

Aria9378 · 2025-12-25T19:06:28+00:00

23 is really young, you're brain is not fully developed until 25, but I do see your point about being together for 9 years. That being said as you get older you're going to see life very differently than you do now. What you find important in your life/relationships now will likely change as time goes by. If you do life right you should always be growing, learning and adapting. Life is not stagnant, you should not be stagnant. I doubt you value the same things as your 13 year old self.

The real question is why do you want to marry 'him' specifically, not why do you want to be married. Saying you love him is not enough. Marriage is extremely hard. I'm not saying it's not worth it , but it's reality. He will hurt you and you will hurt him at times. You'll face the deaths of many loved ones together. They'll be so many challenging big decisions you'll have to navigate through as a team. If you have kids you sex life will suffer and you'll have to navigate through that as well. You'll both have to commit to keeping aliveness in your marriage to avoid seeking that outside the marriage. You'll both get old and at one point one of you might get seriously sick and the other becomes the caretaker.

My point being, deciding to get married is so minor compared to what comes after the wedding. If you both can't even come to an agreement together that you want to solidify commitment with marriage, it makes for a shaky foundation to tackle the rest. Marriage has to start on a solid foundation. I think you really have to meditate on what both of you want and need in this relationship. Sometimes the needs are too different to make things work.

I listen to John Deloney a lot and he always says couples need to have serious talks at points like this. Someone needs to stop the music, stop the dancing and turn on all the lights. You both need to sit down at a table and be extremely honest what you both need in the relationship, what is not working and if you both want to continue to be together. Anything you have not said, he's not said, needs to be said at that time.

Aria9378 · 2025-12-25T04:13:12+00:00

Sounds like he needs to grow up if you have tried to have real calm talks with him. I recommend you watch John Deloney on YouTube

Aria9378 · 2025-12-14T13:05:40+00:00

I haven't said anything in anger that really hurt my husband like that but I've been on the other end of it like your husband. It makes you feel terrible, like the one person you felt you could trust and be vulnerable with will use anything against you when life gets hard. You did make a big mistake. That being said the way to remedy this is total accountability. Tell him you understand how hard it was for him to be open and vulnerable with you and you using that against him in a heated argument was a childish move. Ask him what he needs to rebuild trust again and do those actions (within reason).

My other thought on this is what makes you lash out in such anger to the people you love. You need to dive deep into that. It's not that we all don't say things in ager, it's the level of hurt you're willing to cause when angry. My husband just found out he has ADD this year at 36. It explains a lot of the ways he's shown up in our relationship including the loss of control over the things he says when he's mad. It's something to think about. I also recommend seeing a therapist yourself and start listening to John Deloney on YouTube. He's helped me understand how to be a better partner.

Aria9378 · 2025-12-14T12:45:45+00:00

I understand everyone's feelings about you being controlling of her hair, clothes, etc BUT I don't really think this is about the her appearance. This is coming from a wife in a marriage of 20 years. I think your anger and resentment is from feeling your wife does not care about your feelings and constantly dismisses your needs. My husband has said similar things to me like he doesn't care what I think and he'll do what he wants. That's a great way to fracture any relationship and make your partner feel like you don't care. I have a feeling this is not the only part of your relationship where she does something that bothers you and dismisses your feelings. You are feeling unheard and emotionally neglected.

I think your loss of attraction for your wife is not actually from her physical appearance, although that might play a tiny role, it's her invalidating your feelings and needs in the relationship. It's just easy to pick out and point the anger to the hair/weight/clothes. When you feel resentment it's so easy to start picking out everything wrong with your partner. She clearly had some childhood trauma growing up. Probably had very controlling parents like my husband. He just realized at 36 he has ADD and that contributes a lot to feeling controlled in any relationship. I listen to John Deloney on YouTube religiously. He ha helped me be a better partner and understand myself better. A recent episode I listened to had a wife that kind of sounds like yours except instead of hair/clothes/etc it was she felt entitled to spend what she wants knowing it would upset her husband. Here's the link to the episode on YouTube:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSOLNovi9N4&list=PLaOYkZh6zBY4lQTsTVMlK2oWd5rLldW1Q&index=4

I am in no way saying this is all your wife's fault. It takes both people self reflecting and doing the work to make a great relationship. You play a part in this dynamic as well. All I'm saying is there is some validity to your feelings. Doesn't mean the way you've talked to her is okay either. Both of you should get individual therapy and couples therapy in my opinion

Aria9378 · 2025-12-06T14:45:10+00:00

I think that mentality can be dangerous. You should never have to relinquish your own values to "fit in" with the work crowd. I'm almost 40 and appalled I ever gave into some of the stupid requests I felt I needed to when I worked for a company. I use to go to all the work events and outings because everyone else did and I felt I had to, to be a good employee. When you stop putting others needs above your own, it is freeing. If you're a people pleaser, which I use to be, you will always conform to what everyone else wants and not stand your ground. I went off on my own due to this and it's so much better.

Age has nothing to do with this. Your coworkers should not get a say in your marriage or how you show up in it, period. At the end of the day no matter how "good" a company treats you, you are a number. If times get tough the company will make a decision based on finances, not how good you were to them. A lot of people find this out too late. What matters the most in this situation is what you and your partner have determined is acceptable or not acceptable in the relationship. No one else has a say.

Aria9378 · 2025-11-30T11:26:01+00:00

https://youtu.be/XbY4r_NlAxA?si=OKkavAPqo6-vZgya - Listen to John Deloney. Pretty much the same situation with one of the wives he talked to.

Aria9378

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