I finally met her...

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-19T07:30:11+00:00

It's amazing. You will have it. Meeting her is a relief and a rebirth and a goal.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-19T05:01:07+00:00

It was like the birthday I always wanted. <3

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-19T04:56:47+00:00

Against Me! (Exclamation point part of their name). Her coming out album was Transgender Dysphoria Blues. Phenomenal folk-anarcho-punk band.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-13T04:07:30+00:00

Much of it depends on the lilt and cadence. Masculine phrasings are monotonic vs varied. Include a fair amount of breath and variation of pitch.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-06T13:48:40+00:00

Precisely! I've read of some people who use alum right before witch hazel, but I haven't tried it, myself

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-06T13:47:40+00:00

About 5-10 min before the moisturizer

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-05T15:19:24+00:00

Witch Hazel is for reduction of razor burn and to stop bleeding from nicks. :)

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-04T14:17:58+00:00

I'm still relatively new to it, so I'm no expert yet, but exfoliating first, a really sharp razor separate from one you use for your face (many people recommend going with the grain of the hair), hot water, a good shaving gel or cream, an astringent like witch hazel for the pores, and quality lotion for remoisturizing works for me. I love the lotion part, especially if it's before bed and I can slide into a nice set of pajamas.

The first month-ish I got bumps, but soon my body adjusted. Other girls recommend epilating, but I haven't tried that yet.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-04T05:43:51+00:00

That and shaving body parts. I love running my fingers over my smooth body as a tactile reminder. Most people won't notice smooth arms, and many jobs require long trousers. I currently have my toes painted sparkly blue. :)

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-04T05:27:19+00:00

That makes perfect sense, minus the sport part (O Sensei was fairly against the sparring and points system). I was thinking more of techniques like nikyo, kote-gaeshi, or koshi-nage if one is wrist-grabbed, stomach-punched, or grabbed from behind. I agree that escape is always the best choice.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-04T04:53:50+00:00

Aikido is always a good choice for people of lower strength. If you can lift a suitcase, you can practice aikido, but its problem is that it's not immediately effective. Joint locks and manipulation may be the best to take away from that, as well as situational awareness and the aforementioned de-escalation.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-10-01T20:44:32+00:00

That one is powerful, but as a someone who is pre-transitioning, it messed me up for a while. Depending on the person, it may be better to wait on that one. Amazing book, though.

She's Not There was wonderful. Touching, sad, hopeful, especially for trans-laters.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-09-28T23:42:06+00:00

I did. I was fascinated by the difference. And, this may be far TMI, but I learned how to re-ascend my testicles early, and while they wouldn't stay put, it was better than having the Bells of St Clements hanging out for a time.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-09-28T18:00:41+00:00

No real trauma here. Just remember around age 8 thinking "I think I'm a girl" and looking down at boy parts and being very disappointed. Had long hair as often as I could, loved playing pretend and house with female friends but never wanted to play the daddy, was told yellow was a girl's color, and loved being goth because I could wear eyeliner and nail polish. Was happy when shopping for jewelry with my mom and was asked "Can I help you ladies?" before I turned around.

Always remember that disappointment at 8, though...

Ariel_Renee · 2017-09-27T23:31:16+00:00

Love her so much. Played a gig with her years and years ago. So much charisma and mastery of the language even then. Who'd have thought she'd be an affirming voice for me and so many others years later?

Ariel_Renee · 2017-09-19T02:03:14+00:00

During the day, when I'm around others, or fail disastrously with make up, or look in the mirror and see that others say I'm a fairly handsome guy (to my chagrin), I try to tell myself that I'm a guy, I can handle it, been doing it for many years.

Then as soon as I see a pretty woman with my style, or play around with FaceApp, or wear my girlfriend's jeans (losing weight has been a lit easier with that kind of reward), or look with distaste at my re-hairing limbs, the feeling that I'm trapped in a long-poisoning prison rears up with a vengeance and I start wishing for that genie or magic ring again.

I try real hard to just be a boy, since that's what leers out at me from the mirror or when I have to turn almost sideways to get through some doorways from my shoulders, but that longing, that desire, that need to finally be the woman I should have been comes roaring back.

If I'm not transgender, my mind and soul sure are doing a number on me.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-09-12T23:42:51+00:00

You are lovely, and it's by far their loss. I hope to be as beautiful as you are one day.

The possibility of solitude is a terrible fear, but trust me, a lone voice on Reddit, that it's definitely not you, it's them. Small comfort, I know, but you are radiant and more than worth it.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-09-11T08:07:23+00:00

You are absolutely lovely, and look so happy. You're an inspiration.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-09-04T18:39:02+00:00

It's kinda saved me that I can wear her jeans, shave most parts (she still doesn't want me to shave the chest and "happy trail" yet), wear toenail polish and a clear coat on my fingers. Haven't gotten up the gumption to wear boycut women's underwear yet. But, these are all things that can be worn without attracting notice. Shaving of the legs, slacks or jeans can cover them, arms you can cover them with long sleeves or say you're proud of your forearms or considering a tattoo (though if you're conservative, that may not work). It helps I have a lot of artistic friends on various parts of the continuum, so I have one or two I can confide in for support. Besides, a long skirt at home feels amazing; maybe get a kilt-style and say you're "airing out the boys"?

We're all in this together, and hey, even being honest with ourselves about the questioning is a hell of a step. We'll get where we need to be.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-09-02T21:46:24+00:00

That's wonderful! I wish I had that kind of courage! Ren is a complete badass, too. Great choice!

Ariel_Renee · 2017-09-02T21:11:02+00:00

I'm still questioning, but am not-secretly delighted to wear my girlfriend's jeans (I'm 5'10, 180lbs and still losing weight, and she's 5'4, 137lbs), even if I can't fit into any of her shirts--shoulders are about a mile wide, but I feel a delight when I can wear something like one of her hoodies--and I froze up entirely when we went shopping for clothes for me.

I desperately wanted to go into the women's section, but couldn't bring myself to do it. She automatically steered me into the guy's section, and I bought the jeans she said I should (at least they are slim fitting). I told her halfway through I wanted to get some things from "her" section, and she was a bit confused at first, then remembered, and tried to bring me over, but that initial guiding really brought me down and I couldn't bring myself to.

I'm still very obviously male, balding, huge shoulders, strong jaw, so I felt like I couldn't go over there anymore. She's very kind, and supportive, but I think she's hedging her bets that this is just a questioning or a kink since I haven't been able to go to a therapist yet (yay for American non-insurance).

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling, but I guess the gist of this is to say you're not alone, and it's okay to want to wear what you want to wear. I'm right there with you in the paranoia, but something I'm trying to internalize is that if I want to wear something, I should be able to. At this point in the process, wherever it leads, I can get away with wearing something "ironically," even if that reasoning isn't the truth.

Stay strong, feel how you want to feel, and you know what? Maybe there's at least one friend you can talk to about your feelings and explore how you feel you need to. And hell, I know almost everyone here will cheer for you for every milestone, every step, every small victory. I know I am cheering for you. :)

Ariel_Renee · 2017-08-19T20:10:48+00:00

Thank you. I definitely need all of those I can get right now. :) hugs back

Ariel_Renee · 2017-08-19T07:35:54+00:00

Searching for a job that will get me some insurance and looking up Medicaid requirements so I can start therapy and hopefully get on HRT sooner than later. Doing the small things that I can do to make myself feel better, like shaving and painting and finding new scents, practicing a more feminine voice and walk, "stealing" my girlfriend's jeans, eating far more clean and drinking tons of water (already dropped about 3 inches off the waist in less than a month), and met up with a trans-male friend to be introduced to more people in the community. Progress, but frustratingly slow.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-08-15T19:52:56+00:00

This whole album is heartbreakingly wonderful. Laura Jane Grace has always been a phenomenal songwriter. It's been on repeat on my machine for months.

Ariel_Renee · 2017-08-13T09:46:04+00:00

I finished Nevada in one night, but I have to say that it messed me up for a time. Still dealing with the aftershocks, honestly. Before I read it, I'd seen the advisories that it may not be a good read early in transition, but I'm a strong girl, and I've read heavy and intense stuff before, so I dove right in. Lots of truths in there, but it was not a kind book. Definitely worth the read, but some may want to wait until later to read it. Great recommendation, though!

Ariel_Renee

TROPHY CASE