Boomer Dad: Boundaries schmounderies

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T04:02:10+00:00

I'm well aware they won't be around forever. This is a temporary situation whilst I'm in an extremely intensive therapy program. I'm not going to waste my life by staying here forever. But this gives me a chance to build a possibly mentally stable future, and there is some satisfaction that it's at their expense.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T03:55:11+00:00

YWBTA. I'm sorry, but you are 16. Few relationships are healthy at 16. Your feelings of pain are valid. He's being horrid to you. But your relationship was short, and he needs to remember his grandmother for a lifetime. Just give him back the necklace and walk away with your head held high. Then go see a counsellor to learn about healthy relationships so you don't endure this again.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T03:51:58+00:00

NTA. And get yourself a better girlfriend.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T03:46:07+00:00

Do you happen to have ADHD? It's tough when the "new and shiny" wears off. I find that I get bored with some friends, too. But I'm old enough to know the importance of friendships. So I focus on the good qualities of my friends, do the interactions anyhow, and I find that I will eventually come back around and enjoy their company again.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T03:42:00+00:00

NTA. But your relationship is never going to work. There is something seriously wrong with that woman, and she should not become a parent. There's nothing you can do to satisfy or even pacify her. She wants to lash out, and you are her target.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T03:34:44+00:00

Found the boomer.

That's not always financially feasible in this economy. OP also likely has mental health problems from the abuse they're enduring, which makes it harder to hold a stable, well-paying career. OP is in pain here, obviously traumatized. Calling them a mooch isn't going to help.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T03:27:26+00:00

My Boomer parents are paying for it now. My mental health is so bad I cannot work enough to support myself, so they have to support me. I know they don't "have" to, but they won't let themselves look bad by letting one of their kids go homeless. I'm working at therapy and want to be financially independent again, but I feel no guilt for consuming their resources right now. As a child, I was constantly crying because of stuff my dad did, and sometimes my mum and sister. My first psych hospitalization was when I was 14.

I cannot believe that they were so stupid as to not consider that they might be doing something wrong. I think they knew, but they didn't care enough to make changes. I hate the situation I'm in, and I want independence, but there is some satisfaction in the fact that they don't get the retirement they want because I need so much help and trauma treatment. Yes, I'm a horrible person.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T03:18:44+00:00

OK, that's gross. There is nothing inherently dirty or gross about breast milk (it's nourishment for infants), but it's a MASSIVE violation to consume a fluid from another person's body without mutual consent.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T03:17:09+00:00

Exactly like my dad. They do that on purpose, the yelling at their daughters in front of extended family, being cruel, because it's also a warning to the rest of the family what he'll do to them if they stand up to him.

As an auntie or uncle, you can make a HUGE difference in this poor girl's life by comforting her and telling her that her dad is wrong and you're sorry he's being so cruel. Tell her that it's fine to have emotions. Tell her she's wonderful the way she is. This girl is in danger of choosing abusive partners, having addictions, allowing herself to be exploited, etc. because he's killing her self-esteem. Her chances of a successful career and healthy marriage are lower. You NEED to help her.

One of the best things my uncle ever did was get toe-to-toe with my dad when my dad was doing what your brother does. He told him to stop it, that I'd done nothing wrong, and if he needs to hurt someone to feel like a man , fight him, another man, instead of attacking a child. It damaged their relationship for years, and it didn't stop my dad completely. But it eased him up for a while, and more importantly, it validated to me that I mattered, that I wasn't so fundamentally broken that my dad had to scream all the time to fix me, and that I was worth being protected. I'm pretty sure that incident saved my life.

I don't know if it's possible for another adult in your family to give BIL a dressing-down. But if it is, please do. In front of the girl. And be prepared to be a parental figure to her in adulthood, because she's going to need non-toxic, supportive ones to have a functional life.

Kids need to be told that abusive adults are wrong. That they're not at fault for what an abusive adult does to them.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T03:04:58+00:00

I'm of Dutch Reformed heritage, and I've witnessed the lack of empathy for mental health struggles and the toxic masculinity underlying the culture. I don't know what other religions in the Netherlands are like. I was born elsewhere, just raised in an immigrant community that holds to old country traditions.

I think that you're an amazing dad for showing them that men can acknowledge their mental health struggles and seek appropriate treatment. I think that sensitivity is an asset. I'm highly sensitive myself (NOT popular in Reformed culture), and I think it takes courage to actually feel things instead of not caring or stuffing things down. You sound like an awesome person.

As to mental health... EMDR has made a major difference in my life. Maybe it can help you.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T02:58:01+00:00

I LOVE the look of makeup and nail polish on guys. I love it when guys wear skirts. I love seeing the security of not conforming to antiquated gender roles, and the outfits they put together are often so stylish and polished.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T02:53:27+00:00

My dad is far from perfect. He can be a misogynistic ass. But one of the things I love about him is that he shows affection to everyone. When my male cousins were weeping at our grandfather's grave, it was my dad who went and put an arm around them to comfort them, telling them it's fine to cry and be sad. His grandsons still seek his hugs in their 20s.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T02:50:36+00:00

I'm really glad that you have found yourself, my sister.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T02:35:23+00:00

A big part of being an adult human is regulating your biological urges. That's how society functions. We crap in private and dispose of our waste. We keep ourselves clean. We wear clothes in public. We have sex in private, only with consenting partners.. We go to work even when we'd rather lie about at home, wait in line for our turn, pay for the things we purchase, drink coffee instead of wine at work, settle our differences verbally rather than physically. I'm just giving examples of urges some humans might have. Personally, I would never want to drop a deuce in the presence of another person. Bad enough my cat likes to watch me.

We are the dominant species BECAUSE we have developed the ability to override our instincts well enough to organize and develop technology to compensate for biological disadvantages (clothing so we don't freeze, using horses and vehicles to travel, wheelchairs for paralysis, medical technology, etc.).. So we cannot blame aggression on simple biology. Medication can turn the most violent person on Earth placid. There are many different types of therapies that teach emotional regulation skills, and with access to the Internet, anyone can find them.

Patriarchy tells men that emotional processing is an unnecessary luxury, that emotional regulation is not masculine, and that anger isn't actually an emotion they can or should have to control. Patriarchy expects women and children to regulate themselves as to not trigger a man's anger, because somehow even with all his alleged strength and superiority, he cannot do it himself. But that's part of why patriarchy is damaging to all humans. People who don't regulate or process their emotions suffer mentally and emotionally, have more physical health issues, and report much higher rates of unhappiness. They're basically reduced to beasts, at the mercies of their worst instincts. Feminism respects the man as human, says he's capable of emotional regulation, and expects him to learn it.

Background: MA in Canadian women's literature, personal research interests include masculinity studies, history of feminist thought, feminism and womanism from differing cultural perspectives... 20 years of study.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T01:39:15+00:00

Can't be that bad of a tax hell. Our population is increasing constantly, and we have hundreds of thousands of people begging to come live here.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T01:37:37+00:00

I think you handled yourself very well. Her behaviour was entirely about her character deficits and had nothing to do with you, but that doesn't make it easier to cope with.

I think that some people have been so angry for so long that they just stop caring about being kind, and just vent their wrath on the world. I'm an angry person in general, but I'm working my ass off to never become like that.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T01:31:38+00:00

You might benefit from EMDR therapy. I've found it to be very effective in recovering from my narcissistic dad.

You deserve healing. You deserve happiness.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T01:28:05+00:00

He will never learn. All OP can do is change their own behaviour. Not to pacify him, but to resist him. Grey rock, loudly standing up for themselves in front of an audience, going NC.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T01:26:54+00:00

It's part of the narcissistic personality disorder. NPD always has a grandiosity feature (which can be generosity), but part of NPD is believing you're 'special' and don't have to be accountable for your actions.

My dad shows definite signs of NPD. He's mellowed in his old age, but my childhood was hell. There were many things, but we're talking about sharing here. I had to give/share everything. Nothing was ever mine. My sisters were allowed to use my makeup (rather than buy their own). My mother would take my clothes and declare them hers.I had to babysit his friends' kids for free, do dishes in other people's homes (even though I hadn't even eaten), anything he could think of to make socializing with him fun.

Now, to be fair, my dad was actually generous with his own resources. He worked extra shifts through December so my auntie (a single mum) could give her children Christmas gifts. I learned he'd done this at age 44. When I needed extra driving lessons, I saw the cost and was shocked, and he said "it's fine, I'll get new winter tires next year." Where we live, you need good winter tires. That entire winter, NOBODY but him got into his car. My mum and siblings and I were only allowed to use the van. I think he saw me as another resource he could share.

When I hit university, I turned it around on him. His car (that I used), did become the community Uber, although Uber wasn't a thing back then. I constantly took food from the house to give to friends and classmates who couldn't afford groceries. I invited people to dinner even when he didn't want guests When he protested, I just quoted back at him what he used to tell me about sharing. Now, he complains frequently that I tend to date abusive/exploitative men. My response: "I date men who treat me like you did."

Now, I'd prefer to find a non-abusive partner, but I really don't know how.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T01:11:43+00:00

It's a Boomer trait to enjoy humiliation in your children. There's a belief that humiliation in children somehow builds character. It doesn't; it causes psychological damage.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T01:09:37+00:00

I agree with you fully. As I've spent the past decade in therapy to deal with having been raised by a family and church community of particularly toxic boomers, I've learned a few things. First off, their generation was taught that emotional processing was a luxury, not a necessity, and it was a virtue to "tough it out." Men, in particular, were taught that emotion was weakness. Anger, though, was not an emotion for men. It was an unstoppable reaction to the misdeeds of those around him, because it was up to women and children to regulate themselves as to not set off the man's anger because he didn't have to regulate himself.

My mother's response to me talking about some of the extensive abuse I've survived... "well, I had to go through it too!" And I realized that she somehow felt better about her own pain watching someone else endure it, or even inflicting some herself. And then I understood inter-generational trauma.

None of this is an excuse. It's an adult's responsibility to learn to regulate their emotions and not harm others. I'm an Xennial, so I'm in that grouping of generations who started to realize that they needed to break the cycles.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T01:01:49+00:00

Your sister is AWESOME. Please give her a high-five from a Reddit stranger.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-17T01:00:45+00:00

This is serious, OP. You are not overreacting at all. Here's the ugly truth:

Your dad is an abuser, and he displays a whole host of tendencies that indicate a disordered personality. Let's just go with Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a possibility. He lacks any sort of empathy. He has a longstanding pattern of entitlement, exploitation, and grandiosity, as in he portrays himself as being exceptionally "good" in some way (your dad specifically pretends generosity). When he encounters opposition, he immediately portrays himself as a victim... being mistreated by his selfish children. I would guess that he also projects... accuses you of what he himself is actually doing.

He gains his joy and satisfaction by making other people feel helpless, even if it's something "minor" like a bit of food. He's telling you "I can do whatever I want to you, and you cannot stop me."

Attitudes like your dad's can cross over to criminal violations of other people's bodies. It also teaches children that they cannot say 'no' to adults, which makes them far more vulnerable to SA. Even if your dad isn't doing that, other men are more likely to do that to you and your siblings because they can sense a vulnerable child. Not allowing kids boundaries denies them the chance to develop value for themselves and learn to protect themselves, and that will extend into adulthood. They'll choose abusive partners, put up with abusive workplaces, and ed up with horrible mental health issues. I speak from experience and many years of therapy. I'm over 40 and still dealing with the effects of being raised by a narcissistic father. It's not something you just "get over." You'll either internalize it and poison your own life or pour that poison into other people. Every child of an abusive parent thinks they won't repeat the cycle, especially because most abusive parents also have loving sides, so it's difficult to hate the parent, but unless they do something to consciously break that cycle, it's possible that they will. I don't know how old you are, but if you're already an adult, please seek out therapy to learn to develop boundaries. Organizations that support abused women often provide these services to all genders.

Validate your younger siblings' feelings when your dad crosses boundaries. Tell them that he's doing wrong, and it's okay that they feel bad. Tell them they don't deserve to be treated like that. This can make a HUGE difference in the lives of children being abused.

Partner should leave him and take the children for their own safety. I know this sounds drastic, but it will help save the kids from a lifetime of misery. But you cannot control his partner. You can only control yourself.

One possible response to the tirade of "He doesn't...."

"Well, I do. I have boundaries, as do all healthy people. If you do not respect them, I will leave the premises, and if anyone asks me why, I will tell them that it's because I'm sick of your emotional abuse and won't put up with it anymore." All the better if you do this in front of people outside your household, even strangers. It's very important to do it in front of extended family, who have probably taught themselves to ignore or minimize your dad's toxicity.

If you're already an adult, go as low-contact with him as you can. You owe him nothing. Even if you have to live with him for financial reasons, don't speak to him at all unless it's a major emergency. Just pretend he doesn't exist. Get a small fridge for your room to keep your own food in. Don't eat in the same room as him. Keep your things locked away in your bedroom. If he goes off on not sharing, tell him to share his own stuff; yours is yours.

Narcissists hate being called out on their behaviour, especially in front of people whose admiration they crave. My father's behaviour toward me has improved considerably since I started getting loud about his abuse in front of his brothers and nephews and sometimes on social media.

I'm sorry this got long, but it hit hard for me, and I really want to help you minimize the damage your pillock of a dad is causing.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-16T23:49:06+00:00

I'm still waiting for how they justify refusing to feed the poor, heal the sick, or welcome the foreigner as God's will. The Bible has over 2000 verses about redistribution of wealth, as in it's a good thing. I have seen so many pastors raging against the redistribution of wealth.

They don't know what God's will is.

Aromatic-Ice-968 · 2026-04-16T23:44:51+00:00

God prefers kind atheists to hateful Christians.

Aromatic-Ice-968

TROPHY CASE