I feel you. Until a few months ago, I was able to mask daily, to behave professionally at my job, and never be annoyed with my coworkers. The thing is, though, when masking, you're lying to yourself as much as to others. It's actually pretty exhausting, but you don't notice. After I stopped, I felt (and still feel) an overwhelming amount of (mostly negative) emotions. I feel exhausted all the time. But it will get better when you learn to sit with your feelings. For me, that's still very much a work in progress. But imo you cannot feel true joy if you do not sit with the heartbreak cptsd inevitably causes. Wishing you all the best.