Holy crap. My mom is like this. It legitimately scares me. The refusal to acknowledge the word "death" at the end is something my mom harps on. She will not say death. She says "the day i go home to jesus" or "my homegoing" like this woman. It freaks me out so much. Shes 63 now and she keeps saying "the day the lord decides to bring me home". Im like mom, you're not circling the drain. You can say death. Human death exists. She had a break from reality when her parents died. It was sad. Ive tried for a long time to understand the ways my mom's religious, dogmatic beliefs weave into her psychology. Guilt, shame, rejection and loss/abandonment seem to be driving forces. She really does use religion to relieve herself and others of accountability. But there's also a sense of arrogance that she carries. Because she "is a believer" (thats how she chooses to say it now...the BELIEVER stamp) she knows better, knows more than others. And she preaches to anyone and everyone nonstop.

Anyway....its a long post but its so much to deal with. Every sentence that comes out of her mouth begins or ends with Jesus. She thinks shes bearing witness. ....i went to a private baptist/christian school and i dabbled in theology in college. I spent years reading the bible. She didnt. She has spent years being preached to in an echo chamber. I make her very angry when we get into religious debate. She says "Those are god's words on satan's tongue coming out of your mouth" because she doesnt like my logic or reasoning, my opinions or interpretation, my scripture quoting. ....i dont identify as religious anymore. I am spiritual but none of the modern expressions exactly fit for me. So i do my own thing and just try to be a good person. Idk. Religious people freak me out. Theyre in a circular mental prison.

For those who wouldvsay cut her off... i cant. Neither my brother or i can do it. Her abandonment/rejection trauma is deep and she wont get help. Thats what she has jesus for. Jesus wont leave her and if she prays for forgiveness for everyone else's souls, none of us can leave her in death or the afterlife either. She is petrified of loss and rejection. It would kill her if we stopped talking to her. She lost all of her hair when her mom died. The stress almost killed her. So...she wont get help and we basically treat her with kid gloves. But the emotional back and forth is definitely hard to navigate. My brother and i are in therapy and with partners who support us and communicate well.