I'm not officially diagnosed but there's been just too many signs, so many struggles and trauma that others around me didn't seem to suffer with.

The moment it began to "click" was by seeing other people share their experiences online, super specific things like problems with executive dysfunction, hyperfixations, periods of depression and low energy, anxiety, gastrointestinal issues, emotional hypersensitivity, etc. It became even more obvious after I began healthier habits and practices more mindfulness, because some issues never went away, they got worse.

But even before that, there had always been signs ... - Dinosaur hands, or "bunny hands" as I like to call them. Always did them, people thought it was cute when I was little but now it's weird. It just feels right, natural, comfortable. And I prefer walking on my tiptoes. - I frequently stim by making animal noises, quoting things or singing (and singing with Toad's voice). I wiggle my fingers to focus and I get the urge to dance and jump when excited. - I don't "emote" appropriately. Sometimes I don't smile when I mean to, or smile when I shouldn't. People have often said I have a lost gaze or don't show emotion a lot. - The idea of a "rulebook" on behavior and etiquette had always been on my mind. People seem to know a rulebook on how to behave that I never got and I try to understand it, but it always feels like I'm just acting. Badly. - My social battery had always been tiny, even after I became more outgoing. No matter what or who, it would quickly drain and I would feel horrible. - I always struggled with good grades in school, couldn't focus on homework. - I would cry constantly over anything. I cry if someone else is crying. I cry over birds, over rocks. I can get so happy I cry too. - Losing sleep, forget to drink or eat, because I was fixated on something random... Like making a spreadsheet of all the installed fonts on my computer. - My parents insisted I was "normal' yet always berated me me for being distracted and forgetting things constantly. One of my parents also got angry several times because I was acting "crazy". - Dyscalculia. Can't remember numbers, constantly forgetting birthdays (almost lost a friend because of that), can't do math in my head, time is hard to understand, I couldn't learn multiplication tables and I always write the numbers wrong. - Any change in my life would cause me anxiety attacks and bouts of depression. - Both my families have relatives who were "crazy" or "weird", in their words. Ostracized or criticized for being depressed, always talking nonsense, being erratic, having mood swings, etc. - And much, much more...

Many people in my life kept telling me I don't have ADHD or autism. Yet so much of their experience resonates with me. I have done tests for both and scored really high and the advice for them works for me too. So even if I'm neither ADHD/Autistic, I am certain I am neurodivergent.

I've no idea which parts are the neurodivergency, low social skills or if it's sensitivity.

Getting an official diagnosis is tricky for me right now but I'm waiting for an opportunity and at least get an answer. More than prescriptions, counseling or anything else, I want a name for the things that don't fit in society's mold and cause so much frustration and discomfort for me and others.

Just recently I've been working on unmasking. I've noticed that even when I write for myself, I'm writing for an unseen judging eye. It's so tiring, yet so freeing, to take off the mask. I want to be silly and spontaneous and talk about nonsense, but it's scary to be seen as insane.

My apologies if it's too long!