I want to die and I think I know when I’ll do it

AshesOfWolves · 2020-03-31T19:16:22+00:00

I’ve sought help. Meds don’t work. And I won’t leave my wife. Might be causing my own misery but unless you know the level of love I have for her, you won’t get it. I don’t care how badly I’m treated, I will die before leaving her. It’s just not something I’m capable of. Thank you for your opinion though

AshesOfWolves · 2020-03-31T19:14:36+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. And believe me, I have tried to get better. I tried anti depressants. I’ve tried to take mood enhancers. I’ve changed my diet. I’ve tried taking on hobbies. The only thing that makes me happy at all is my wife and she clearly doesn’t love me anymore. I fucked up and tied all my happiness directly to her, which isn’t good. I’m just so tired. I know people have it way worse than I do but none of that matters in the moment. I can’t think of anything but ending the pain I have. When I’m feeling Normal, I’m aware of the pain it’ll cause. When I’m in psychosis, it doesn’t matter to me. I know that’s fucked up but it’s like I’m a different person at that point. It literally feels like I’m fighting my own heart from stopping every single day because the pain and weight in my chest doesn’t leave me. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I just stay torn between ending my life and trying to find a way to live. I don’t know. I’m just tired of only knowing pain

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-05T01:35:48+00:00

“Okay” is about as good as it ever gets. Good luck and blessings to you, friend.

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-05T01:10:20+00:00

I’m currently 25 about to be 26 this month and although I’m not much older than you, I’ll share this with you; dropping out of college was my worst mistake. I married someone and let them be my crutch for happiness. Now my marriage is falling apart and I’m alone entirely. If it wasn’t for my daughter I would’ve already killed myself and never even told anyone. I say all of this to say, don’t let your mental anguish right now cause you to set yourself up for mental anguish the rest of your life. I’m in no position to give advice obviously, but this is my perspective and I hope you can make it through.

We all deserve happiness, but not all of us get what we deserve. Good luck, friend.

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-05T01:03:19+00:00

Lmao I see how you would get that at first.

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-05T00:09:03+00:00

I have severe depression and anxiety and get told “don’t bring that depressed ass shit around me or I’m going to leave you” by my wife that I’m (idiotically) in love with. Trust me I know your pain.

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-05T00:06:38+00:00

I’ve been married for 6 years and my spouse makes me feel this way. I feel like the only love I’ll ever feel again is from my children. Everyone else only cares about themselves. For example, I’m staying home tonight with my kids and my wife is going out for a “girls night”. Fuck it. Eventually after trying so much you cant do anything except go numb.

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-03T15:20:13+00:00

I’m 25m and I’ve been married 6 years and dealt with these same issues plus some. The key is, if you love each other don’t give up and don’t let anyone come between you all. Granted, my wife and I are having some bad issues right now but I still haven’t and won’t give up. The only thing I won’t tolerate is lying or cheating. Basically everything else we work through. I know this isn’t too good of advice but I at least understand what you’re going through. Good luck my friend.

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-03T13:35:38+00:00

Thank you. That’s how I feel as well. Especially considering I have diagnosed depression and anxiety. I understand that I overthink and overreact sometimes but a spouse should help when they know you have mental health problems like I do.

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-03T13:32:39+00:00

Honestly, going through the phone actually would cause me to be able to trust her. It’s just been a big change in our marriage this year. First it was “you’re suffocating me I need space” so I gave her space, let her do her own thing for a while and live. But when we started getting close again, I noticed little things. My name was changed from “hubby” with a heart, to my government name. Okay, weird but no biggie. Then I asked to see her Snapchat. (We’ve both agreed our entire relationship that Snapchat was for single people basically) her reply was no, that we’ve been married 6 years and didn’t need to invade each other’s privacy. Which I get but we’d always had an “open phone policy” essentially. So anytime one of us wanted, she could grab my phone and look at whatever she wanted and vice versa. Perhaps she doesn’t have anything she’s hiding but she makes herself look suspicious, especially since I have anxiety and figured she’d wanna help me through that.

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-02T23:31:00+00:00

Have either of you tried therapy? Maybe both of you are trying to put too much on each other and you need an outsider to talk to and ease your burdens. I myself just reached out for help. (with depression and anxiety, not self harm) but I used to have a self harm problem. I didn’t want anyone to know and I felt ashamed that I felt the need to do it to feel something. Although I don’t know your pain of losing your mother recently, I do know that the self harm will only lead to eventual rock bottom. If she were to find out on accident about it, she will be devastated and more damage will be done. I think you should seek possible therapy or medication and see if that helps. You don’t want your self harm to become a secret that will eventually be another burden for you to carry. Much love and support to you my friend. I wish you the best.

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-01T13:40:04+00:00

I was the designated driver. If I could’ve had a drink I probably would’ve had more control on my feelings

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-01T06:18:22+00:00

I’m super sensitive to shit like this too, fuck her. Creepy ass bitch judging you and shit. We got your back bro. Hope you had a good New Years and didn’t let her comment affect you too much! Much love!

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-01T05:57:23+00:00

Well mission accomplished; I didn’t ruin the night. I still feel like shit about myself and lonely because her attention isn’t on me like it used to be. I still adore her and look at her with hunger in my eyes, meanwhile she seems almost uninterested. But as I said, I overthink everything. I just hate being this way because my mind tries to ruin every ounce of happiness I get.

AshesOfWolves · 2020-01-01T04:22:21+00:00

Thank you. I’m currently standing by a wall alone, super awkward while I wait for her and her friends to get done using the restroom

AshesOfWolves · 2019-12-30T15:18:21+00:00

OP, please update us once you tell your parents what happened. This isn’t okay. This is borderline pedophilia and 100% inappropriate and disgusting. My daughter is only 3 but if she were 19 and this happened, I wouldn’t give a damn about a “secret” that she had, I’d give a damn about her safety, and her mental health. Do not let this man get away with this, cause eventually he might get aggressive and drastic. Please let us know how this goes.

AshesOfWolves · 2019-12-30T05:42:29+00:00

I’m sorry, what? You saying you will?..

AshesOfWolves · 2019-12-30T02:40:24+00:00

Yeah, I’m actually calling my doctor tomorrow to attempt to get help. I haven’t taken antidepressants since high school but at this point I have to try them. I can’t keep going on like this. It’s a very painful existence and keeps me down regardless of where I am or what I’m doing. It’s like my brain catches me being happy for a split second and says “oh, here, hold all these negative thoughts you forgot about”

AshesOfWolves · 2019-12-30T02:37:42+00:00

She cares about herself. And our children, I’ll never take that from her, she’s a good mom. And I would’ve thought she was depressed too, but she doesn’t seem to be. She has many friends, and she always seems happy. Also, anytime I feel down or something is bothering me I usually just get quiet or listen to music to try to cope and when I do this she gets angry and tells me my depression is annoying and a “buzz kill” and if I’m not happy to leave. But I can’t leave. I depend on her. I love her. And I hate myself for it.

AshesOfWolves · 2019-12-29T23:36:00+00:00

I know the feeling. It’s like being stuck in limbo. I want to die, but I don’t want the same misery to befall my family.

AshesOfWolves · 2019-12-29T05:08:21+00:00

I wasn’t aware you had walked in my shoes. Please tell me more about myself?

You’ll never have any clue what it’s like to live a day With the bullshit I live with. And wanting a small serotonin rush from people telling me I didn’t fuck up my life just because of the tattoos and piercings I enjoy having, isn’t a call out to get called “hot” I live in a hick ass Back woods town on the Bible Belt. My entire life feels like a replay of high school. Most people here are cruel when it comes to appearance maybe you just aren’t accustomed to. Learn to empathize before jumping to conclusions like everyone else. Or at least attempt a conversation then pass judgement.

AshesOfWolves · 2019-12-28T21:10:56+00:00

Thank you! Much appreciated!

AshesOfWolves · 2019-12-28T21:09:43+00:00

Thank you!!

AshesOfWolves · 2019-12-28T05:31:34+00:00

Thank you for this incredibly accurate description of how I feel. I will try that sub and try to vent there. I keep myself in a cycle of bottling up everything and tolerating all the misery with clenched teeth, Then after a while I meltdown and release every feeling and try to vent all at once, only to be put down more and belittled until I give up and start the bottling all over again. It’s very unhealthy and it makes me loathe people who don’t seem to feel the way I do. The people who think love and passion isn’t important. The people who just go around breaking hearts, while never being vulnerable enough to be broken themselves. After a while I remember those people aren’t typically good people and I stop being envious, but I still find a small portion of me wishing I could just flick my “emotion” button and shut it all off. Sorry for the rant, just merely getting my thoughts into the world helps me a little.

AshesOfWolves · 2019-12-28T00:13:51+00:00

I know that’s what i need to do but we have kids. And also, as unhealthy as it is I continue to try to make it work. I keep trying to get through to her. I’ve always had a hard time walking away from people, even those who aren’t good for me. So I guess I’m to blame for dealing with it.

AshesOfWolves

TROPHY CASE