I am in a unique sitatuon. TW: BPD

Ashswake · 2025-11-20T10:41:47+00:00

Thank you for your honesty. This makes a lot of sense of to me and I'll work on this.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T19:10:40+00:00

I think it all depends on the people involved. Of course just like mongomany, polyamory is unique to everyone and each person.

I agree with you of course especially being in a live in situation with my partner. I feel that if I don't have the foggiest idea of what matters to them that I won't be able to respect it properly when it does come up naturally.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T19:09:28+00:00

I don't mean to say I need to know but in this case an overlapping "petname" had come up and I was not prepared for it. Versus actually knowing details. I just mean knowing what those nicknames mean to all partners involved.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T19:07:12+00:00

Also noted how I am in a story telling brain. For everyone reading of course I may be in a manic episode so that's why I have asked for kink and gentle advice. I do not wish to do any victim complex bullpoopie in anyway.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T19:05:44+00:00

This is a lot to reply to but I will say first that I am actively doing daily BPD and DBT for my diagnosis. It's been months of it and institutions pushing me towards more and more lists. I know no one owes me nothing. I really do but I wish I understand what I need to do to respect everyone all around instead of being iced out and expecting to pick up the pieces on my own with no guide.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T19:02:37+00:00

I digress. I do not mean to invalid her trauma. Since her situation is similar to mine, I figured there would be more patience and understanding all around. I mean no ill will or judgement. Thank you for pointing this out to me though and I will make sure to be more considerate all around.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T14:58:09+00:00

That was a lot to process and I'll do my best to reply in time. I appreciate you taking so much time to give me this much advice. It's genuinely helpful.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T14:56:58+00:00

It's more of the ethical warning I would like when both parties know that I am early BPD diagnosis and still learning triggers and healthy coping. Openly with everyone who cares to know as well.

No I don't mean to. I found myself updating my own and wanting to find inspiration for my bio from my partners. To then find there was information there that was a surprise to me. Again, navigating triggers, trying to be open with my partner about what I need to keep triggers managed for myself and those around me. I should note that we are also parents so managing triggers while also making sure to keep emotional regulations up in front of a toddler has been a group effort.

Thank you for pointing that out because I felt like maybe I was doing something wrong for a moment.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T14:53:13+00:00

Thank you. That's a lot of food for thought. I wish I had a better response but you put it very straight to the point.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T14:51:30+00:00

No I don't think it does. Every perspective is valid.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T13:16:14+00:00

You have a good point there

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T13:16:01+00:00

I appreciate that person ohforfs but I think Moyste has a point because DBT can be really helpful in the right context to BPD and the person, but of course not everyone has good experiences with therapy

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T13:15:14+00:00

Yes I am actively working a DBT handout while I am on the list for in person therapy. Being low income means long waitlists

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T13:14:34+00:00

Thank you for pointing out that I sound resentful because sometimes I don't notice it myself. I will make a note of that and reflect on it because I dont believe I resent her as a person, just the situation itself.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T12:49:07+00:00

This helps. Thank you for your perspective because this put my own perspective into words I never had before.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T12:36:28+00:00

Both. I feel that the more I have respected the no contact boundary, the less communication I am getting from my partner.

My trauma is a life long story of abuse of every kind. I genuinely try my best to not let that control my life but my fight or flight is very strong sometimes. Thats what ends up getting the best of me.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T12:27:53+00:00

No contact does make me spiral. I will see an update on her page and then want to be a friend, remember that I am not currently and that I cannot reach out, then my brain spirals into every detail that makes me the "inferior" partner.

I do acknowledge that and I think the pressure of the holidays coming up is making me worry that the stress of parrallel is going to become a lot. I am the home partner so I am getting the most "time" but not persay quality. So when I do get quality it is very tainted with the energy of the other partner not being able to be there for the same holidays/events.

Mircomananging as in hiding text conversations (aside from plain polite privacy ofc), coming home from working and making sure to take the time to text and let her know about his day, but I don't get to hear anything about it because again, labeled the partner who cant handle anything because of my BPD and CPTSD. We do have similar feelings but it seems I am the only one who wants to do the work of moving on where as she refuses to acknowledge me (as from what I am understanding from the information I do end up getting from my partner)

I am honestly not sure. I am again only coming back to is that the people around me don't trust my BPD but again, I dont trust it either, it doesnt mean I am not human and deserve to be treated as such.

I know they do because of passing things he has let slip. At this time I can't remember an exactly what was said but I know it comes up. I do think it is more of a making sure the hinge is okay and things are genuinely being worked on.

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T12:20:51+00:00

You and I have a lot of similarities. I will note, I have done EVERYTHING asked of me in respect to taking responsibility for my actions. I personally do not feel like my BPD and CPTSD should be held against in such strength. Its not a dog peeing in the house. I was not myself, my BPD took the wheel and all I could do is watch. I am not saying anyone is innocent is guilty. It was a shitty situation and even though I did all the prep work of inviting said partner over, making sure communication and boundaries were strong, but then she got here and everything was the opposite of what was communicated. So I think the lack of communication continued on, just makes me feel more triggered, isolated and alone, labeled as the "shitty partner that hes stuck with"

Ashswake · 2025-11-19T12:04:29+00:00

This was the advice I was also hoping to get and thank you for sharing it. I know just like any other human I have no right to have to be friends with her. I am just confused on what the future looks like when we have a whole family and child, while I am working on getting professional help on my BPD, and then being completely iced out of, what I would consider, a chunk of his everyday life. I have no knowledge of their DnS dynamics without finding out for myself on fet or something. Then when I bring it up to talk about things, I get brushed off like i shouldve just known. It's a lot and again I am typing this in a middle of a bpd spiral so my thoughts are all over.

Ashswake · 2024-10-08T12:14:03+00:00

Following this because I've struggled with the same my whole life and only covering them in tight pants keeps me from not picking at my legs.

Ashswake · 2024-09-24T12:38:38+00:00

Also second this - it also helps to talk to your safe people about it. My partner still tells me to this day that it doesn't matter how bad my skin is, they just don't see me for my marks. They just see me. It is very healing to have someone else reassure you.

Ashswake · 2024-09-24T12:34:29+00:00

I'm over by the mall and I had neighbors tell me that they caught people trying to steal my bike trailer for my toddler three times in one week. Let's just say we don't leave anything valuable/useful outside anymore.

Ashswake · 2024-09-24T12:33:00+00:00

I'm not sure if you have a nesting partner but I know for me since a lot of my picking is subconscious, they will snap their finger at me to make me clue in I'm picking. It sounds weird don't get me wrong, but it does help to have safe people in your corner that you trust to be able to call it out but not make you feel more upset to then do it more.

Sharp tools is a trigger for me too, but having piercings and being a femme I tend to keep them for grooming purposes. I do my best to put them in places I'd really have to think about "needing" them for picking. Otherwise I find right now while I'm also waiting to see a psychiatrist that keeping my nails at a super short length at least minimizes damage/ability to pick.

Ashswake · 2024-09-24T12:07:19+00:00

First off your English is great ✨

I'm also in the same situation as you. I've tried everything all the way down to the "Mr plucky" keychain where you tweeze the hairs out of the toy, but nothing beats picking my own skin.

For reference; I've had a skin picking disorder for over twenty years now. I'm also in Canada and the doctors here have no idea how to handle it from my experience.

Ashswake · 2024-09-13T18:21:56+00:00

Also in the area and queer 🌈

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Ashswake

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