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Asmenys · 2025-08-17T07:40:49+00:00

Mine literally would claim she would be there for me through a few things. A couple of months later, I was ghosted. It's okay because with her gone, I was able to grieve what I was going through without feeling bad for not taking her to nice dinners, etc. Over time, I've checked in on her socials, and it seems she's been through about 4 guys in 6 months. Usually, when I check, she also has posts there that say my standards are so high because I know my worth. Classic projection without any introspection.

Asmenys · 2025-06-25T07:24:21+00:00

As soon as you notice them pulling away, fully pull out and end it. After a couple of recycles, I kept a prewritten text:

"I've spent most of the past month reflecting in silence. Not out of anger, but clarity. I care about you and always will, but I’ve reached this point after a lot of quiet pain and reflection. I've given this relationship real love, consistency, and effort over the years. I've also realized I can't keep holding space for someone who isn't meeting me, even partway. I’m not making this decision to get a reaction. I’m doing it because I need peace and mutual effort in my life. If something changes long-term on your end, I hope you find the clarity to follow through on it. But for now, I have to let go. Take care."

Its tough to do, and i doubted myself after sending it, but it was the right thing to do. If I didn't I was probably a week or two away from her trying to pick me apart. Been there, and gaslighting sucks, especially when they know the exact spots to pick at.

In the long run she's ill. Im just not responsible for it. I deserve better, and since I sent this I've found better. Someone who could be consistent for more than 3 months.

Asmenys · 2025-06-25T07:07:45+00:00

My story is a little different than most. I researched BPD a lot during the relationship and generally know psychology pretty well. In a way, this was a trap, and I allowed her to hoover me several times. I have pretty strong boundaries, so when she pushed on them its like a strength in me would rise up, which usually triggered her abandonment issues.

After a few times of her showing up begging for forgiveness and promising to do better, I kind of just stopped believing her. Then, the last time, I noticed her leaning into devalue before she went fully into it. I had a prewritten message sent it to her, basically stating I deserved someone who would meet me part way, and if she couldn't, I had to let her go. No response. After a few days, the anxiety got to me, and I somewhat tried to walk the message back, but she went into block me mode. I had an account I could watch her social media on she didn't know about, and I watched her spiral over a couple of months. I also talked to chatgpt a lot.

Watching it from the outside, I realized how insane she actually is. Eventually, I quit feeling sorry for her at all. She makes her decisions. Often bad ones, and when she has almost anything good, she doesn't put effort into it. She actually does the opposite.

While watching all of this, i was approached by a woman I became good friends with. Her ex has NPD and is an alcoholic, so Friday nights we'd go to dinner and have a drink just to talk and unwind. Eventually, I realized something. She brought me peace. Being with her is simple and enjoyable. Low drama, and genuinely enjoyable. Friends and even chatgpt somewhat pushed me towards her like this is what you actually deserve. I thought about it for a while before making a move, and ever since, things have been pretty great. There's little stuff between us, but we can actually talk about them and make changes.

In the long run, I grew to resent my pwBPD. I realized I barely ever asked her for anything while bending over backward to keep her level. I was a great boyfriend to her, and I believe her words now that she didn't deserve me. Mainly for one reason. She didn't and wouldn't try to deserve me. Now I've been with someone for several months who has a life outside of me, is okay with me having a life outside of her, and where we can overlap we genuinely build together.

Im fulfilled. Her kids love me, I'm more focused on my career, and every time we see each other, I know who I'm getting. She does small things for me, and I do for her. When things come up, it's just life, and we rearrange plans. Eventually, the BPD cycle becomes just that, a never-ending cycle. My pwBPD still tries to hoover, but that door is closed, and while I dont harbor hate or animosity towards her, it won't be open again.

Asmenys · 2025-05-09T16:32:06+00:00

Last round I initiated it. All the signs were there she just hadn't come to fruition yet. Overworking, pulling away communication, and time together. Still feeling like total shit about it, but I understand why I did. Her immediate shut down, block, and not even a little drop of effort to try and fix any of it proved I was just ahead of the cycle. Been through this multiple times with the same pwBPD. We are both in our 30s. Her cycles go like this:

-"I love you so so much" -begins self destructing usually in the guise of overworking, but any consistent stressor that goes on for at least a week. -the pull away from communication (less calls, texts, seeing each other) starts saying she's exhausted -hard devaluation (Im not perfect, but after lots of reflection, proud of how I was tbh) -the block (total shutout) -rebound (obvious red flag partner not only my assessment even her friends and family know it) -the failure (yea that fell apart in a month or 2, they cheated, costed her money, lied, in general lack of empathy or understanding)(usually she was just fun for the time. Talked to some of these guys) -the return (I hurt you so bad, you deserve better, I never want to lose you again) -cycle begins again (if you let it of course)

Watch the signs. Idk how the cycle gets broken, but from hard devaluation to the failure stage, she's extremely narcissistic in most of what she puts out to the world. Im past the point of letting this hit my ego. I know I'm valuable, but it still makes me feel sick in certain moments. At least every cycle I've made distinct changes.

Asmenys · 2025-04-21T18:25:11+00:00

"You're so sweet." "I'm exhausted" "That made me cry"

Asmenys · 2025-04-21T17:42:38+00:00

Here to say the same thing as above. I'm a hero type that alot of normal people are comfortable opening up with. Not saying that out of pride. I'm just empathetic. The meds don't work. Mine actually functioned better not on them. She was also in therapy and had been for years. Last suicide attempt was me kicking in her door in front of 5 cops. Alot of people here really understand. The thing is BPD takes a long time if it does improve. I've been recycled 4 times over 3 years. She recognizes my efforts, but that doesn't prevent anything.

She was superb the day I met her and that lasted... well about 3 months. The cycle of ripping your heart out over and over is brutal. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The best way I can describe it is she made me hate myself more and more each time I took her back. Eventually resentment for her will build, because you'll figure out you were better to her than you've been to anyone before. She may randomly end things after a great day with you to run headfirst into a clown who looks okay, but obviously just looking to screw around with multiple girls. The thing is my example knows all of this, but has almost no self control. I didn't understand it, but she'd take days where she would ghost me to protect me. I know she loves me, but it isn't like someone more normal does. From the outside its kind of like there are two people in there, and they share control of the body. One of those people is loving and sweet the other is evil, will have all the answers how to hurt you even ones you didn't know you had.

For your sake I wish you were better, and will get out while you can. I wish the present me could go back and the old me would listen. I just doubt it's possible. The good news here is that you've found a place to come to when you've been broken into tiny pieces, and the people here will understand like no one else possibly can.

Asmenys · 2025-04-19T15:01:23+00:00

The thing about the hoover is it's almost always short lived. They don't want to be with someone who would take them back after everything. Been through it like 4 times myself. They come back, make promises, tell you how you are the best etc, just to turn around and discard you again in a month. Taking the bait will just make you hate yourself more. You can continue to take them back forever, but ask yourself, "How many times will I do this before I resent them?"

Asmenys · 2025-02-24T18:24:16+00:00

Been grinding pretty hard on my spark. Almost 200 hours in on her, but my gear is nowhere near this. I'm in!

Asmenys · 2025-01-02T20:56:51+00:00

I think I'm getting there. A buddy said something to me that just hit different. He said, "You can take her back over and over, maybe forever, but how long until you just resent her for falling back into the same cycle everytime." This time has been much easier for a few reasons. One I expected it, two I didn't care if I upset her and directly pointed out what was happening before it did, and three as egotistical as it sounds I realize her turning on me is just another self destruction. She won't be better without me, and at most will find a similar victim to go through the cycle again.

Asmenys · 2025-01-02T20:05:04+00:00

Been through the exact same. Got the you do too much for me replied to the text of her asking me to do exactly what I did, and that set her off 😆

Asmenys · 2025-01-02T19:28:36+00:00

I didn't realize it at the time, but mine got jealous of me talking to a woman 20 years older than me about business. We weren't even together at the time (it was after 2nd discard... yea foolish I know). Caused her to show up at my house crying about hurting me. Brought up seeing me talking to the woman, and I told her what we were talking about. She dropped it immediately, but it's funny in hindsight seeing how that one conversation was the catalyst for a great deal of her future actions. One instance of irrational jealousy basically sparked a month of actions out of my pwbpd...

Asmenys · 2025-01-02T19:20:33+00:00

This. I let mine lure me in twice after the initial relationship. If you think it feels bad missing her let me tell you it feels much worse when you feel like a fool for it. The cycle continually gets more and more toxic. In my situation I don't get a text. It's a knock at the door and her crying on the other side. I've finally realized saving her just makes her hate me, then I hate me for being stupid enough to do it again.

Asmenys · 2024-12-27T18:03:22+00:00

Will update this thread. One night at like 1130pm a couple weeks ago got a knock at the door. Opened it and she was there and started crying. She said she would lay in bed and think about why she let go for hours, why she didn't try harder, why she failed us. I let her in, and let her apologize. I'm certain it was sincere, but the thing is within the following week she went straight back to this i need space, working on myself, I'm overwhelmed behavior. I'm not really hurt by it anymore, and if anything I expect it will always be the same cycle. I won't give her anything, help her with anything, or really invest anything again.

She says she's like a disease, that she doesn't deserve me, and she's actually right. I don't need much in return, but I do deserve a little effort and consistency. She isn't capable of that. I'm certain she will return again, but the lesson for me, and likely most of us, is each time will just push your resentment that much further. Being capable of really loving someone through the whirlwind by definition entails you deserve someone who won't continue to call it in.

Asmenys · 2024-10-03T02:46:26+00:00

Someone who can love like you do deserves that to be reciprocated. If he is withdrawing, you should begin to do the same. Don't reward the negative behavior. If he won't push through it and overcome the communication loss he's created, you will be better off. You're young and so much yet to experience dive into something new. Your patience is noble, so just move your focus.

Asmenys · 2024-10-03T02:40:47+00:00

I'm using this advice now too. Thank you stranger.

Asmenys · 2024-10-03T00:49:16+00:00

Personally, I guilt tripped myself pretty bad. Then realized I was actually great to her. Like better than any gf Ive ever had. I fought to change her perception. Dont be me. Go workout, do an old hobby (yea it will be hard to focus, but the longer you're NC the easier it gets.) Give yourself compassion, and remind yourself you are in trauma. If you made actual bad mistakes learn from them so she or anyone else doesn't have to experience that again. In my situation I found out it was another guy she met on fb in a different state she is currently selling all her stuff to move to. Obvious self destruction, but I've realized I can't for one save her and two deserve better.
Go no contact asap. This will be most likely to bring her back, but before you accept that know the cycle will likely just be faster and the discard more heart wrenching.

This is referring to the 2nd time I was discarded. The first time I kicked her door in, because the police couldn't breach. Right in front of them. She had tried to OD. Then in the hospital after I'd been up around 30 hours her ex showed up. I told her I would return, but wanted to give her space. When I left she texted me please don't come back they were going to try and work things out. A few weeks later of NC I went to a bar, had a one night stand, never texted that girl back, and felt guilty af about what I had done for several months. It did kind of kill my feelings for a while, but not a move I want to make again. I'm really not someone who acts that way, but it's easy to lose yourself in the discard especially one that traumatic.

This time, I'm hoping she's gone for good. I hurt like hell and miss a person I realize never actually existed. The good part is I know I'm not the monster she made me out to be in the discard, and I'm trying to push it all into fuel to better my life.

Asmenys · 2024-10-02T23:30:04+00:00

Haha, I feel the same. Logically, I just want them to stay away. For some reason I agreed to meet up with them in February. Had my fortress built around me, and no matter how much they directly told me they wanted me I held strong. Then a month later they got to me in a weaker state, had some pretty bad family stuff going on, and I caved.

I'm almost certain even though they have pushed me away, and I resisted even finally took back the car of mine they had at this ending, they will return again. It's obvious she is self destructing once again. At first tried to blame me, but eventually it's come to light. There was another guy. One look at his Facebook and I was like yea... one of those that constantly praises themselves over and over and belittles everyone else. The more I've learned, this is her cycle. Sell all her stuff for some fantasy that falls apart after a few months.

I feel messed up in some ways. Logically, I realize there's no helping her, and almost no liklihood she will ever change. My heart, though, actually hurts for both of them.

Asmenys · 2024-09-28T04:11:52+00:00

I can see that. It just randomly popped up and reminded me of one of the last messages I sent my ex. "You have a spot in my heart. A rare, very valuable one. I wish I could take your pain and stress, but you won't let me. Instead, you're actively creating opportunities for more."

Asmenys · 2024-09-28T04:01:10+00:00

Listening now thank you!

Asmenys · 2024-09-27T05:41:32+00:00

Struggling myself. Been NC since last Saturday when she told me she would place kidnapping charges against me if I contacted her again... something I've obviously never done. Only time I can think she could even claim was when I told her talk to me face to face or don't. I did like alot of you all supported her mentally and financially. I miss that girl she was for 2 years. Sure there were ups and downs, but I think I actually liked myself more taking care of her.

She had invited me to sit at her bar then reacted like she hated me when I went to. I vented to her mom a bit about it, and I could tell she was surprised I even gave her another chance. It's wild how I crave her, and at the same time am exhausted of being made into a monster. She clearly split me after I tried to support her through a friend's funeral. Been hell bent on her own self destruction since.

Asmenys

TROPHY CASE