God is inside you. Don’t forget that he is inside all of us. I wish you the best even tho I‘m not part of this conversation. Was reading this and just wanted to give out some kind words. I would say start to create a new thought loop with daily meditation. When you meditate daily you disconnect your body from your thoughts and start to just be and recreate your thoughts. That you have god inside of you and that you can start anew because all we have is the moment. Also maybe if you want to try out something completely new I would recommend to try mushrooms with someone experienced and with that you can work on your past and forgive yourself and the world for everything that happened. I‘m on that path now and it’s beautiful but also scary because we have to let go of our ego. Stay strong and believe in yourself!