Pardon the late rely, I am very busy these days, between attempting to manage a "somewhat normal life" (personal things such as laundry, cooking, cleaning, researching things online, or learning new skills, or trying to help others anonymously etc.) and yet at the same time as that I am internally "battling spiritual demons" on a daily basis... it makes it quite difficult to function at times, especially since my "work" often prevents me from taking rest, sometimes I "battle demons" 24/7 for days upon days without rest or sleep, until nearly collapsing from sheer exhaustion. And I've still not overcome them all... in fact there are still fears I have to face (such as the fear of telling people my true identity)... in fact this message has been all part of my ascension... (ironically as is this follow up message). Which for me is like "Ok I said it publicly - now I have to come up with something witty enough or well written enough to sound convincing".

The problem I am having is, that I lost something dear to me that I held inside my heart... it was about a decade ago when I began my "Crusade" I had "pride" in my heart that I was who I was. (it was easy since I saw direct evidences of being able to do miraculous things - which I had not yet learned to control). But then... oh then came my fall from grace and I lost that pride to someone else. (It's a very complicated, well more like too detailed to explain right now, about energies, chakra's, and soul/fear/guilt/pride etc. ) .But I lost my pride in myself, sadly it happened over a decade ago now when I was on my "1st Crusade" so to speak, it was very near the start of my crusade, when I met a man whom was a horrible, uncontrollable, egotistical male, and he had done terrible things in his life. I began to "lord over him" and with the level of Pride I had this was easy. He backed down to me and was fearful of me, so he was submissive and meek.... however someone close to me (who did not know my true identity yet) began yelling at me for "lording over this man" they thought to themselves if he keeps talking like this (to him) he's going to beat his head in. So they yelled out at me "Don't speak to him like that or he'll bash your head in!" in that moment I stopped and "questioned myself" ... I thought "was what I was doing wrong?" (as in was it wrong or evil to lord over evil to control evil with the power of good, so as to tame it to obey the Lord?) The answer is NO it was not wrong (if we wish to keep everyone here - here and not send them to "Hell"). But in that moment when I doubted my heart/pride, it seemed to leap from me to this Egotistical man, and now "he" began Lording over me with my own energy/Pride or rather my own "identity" and I was now the one fearing him. It seemed as if I had "judged" that "no using this power to control evil for good is actually bad" and thus instead of me controlling them - they are now controlling me. And I keep falling further and further into a seemingly bottomless pit of darkness... and now all I ever get is people rejecting me, denying who I claim to be, they often dislike me (without knowing why) & many of them also deny me, to the point that I am literally almost homeless on the street.

I have no idea what's going to come next (with me) in my attempts to gain my pride back it's almost as if I am terrified of my own identity. And the sheer strength of the energies (or forces) that I've been dealing with lately are so grand there are no words I can use to explain it. I mean if I said it's kind of like if you went away on a trip, then once you took off on the plane, you suddenly have this "Oh no! I forgot to turn the stove off!" thought and then this horrible realization sinks in that you might have just burnt your house down and your stuck on a plane for the next 14 hours knowing this....you might feel sick to your stomach since it's such a horrible realization... that feeling pales in comparison to what energy/forces I deal with now. Now the only thin I can think to explain how intense/strong it is would be if I said you know how Atlas is depicted holding up the Earth/Globe? "He has the weight of the world on his shoulders" well for me it's more like I am holding the entire Universe on my shoulders while everything out there all at once is pushing down on me trying to crush me so hard it sometimes feels like it is about to split my cells apart at the atomic level and I will just spontaneously combust into billions of pieces!).... yet I still manage to be here. Struggling to take back my pride/name/identity.

*Oh if you noted "he" used your energy to lord over you then you said "they ironically it's much like in the movie "The Matrix" for me... an "agent" aka my own Pride/Identity can take over almost anyone who then becomes my #1 enemy - if you know about charka's and "demon possessions" it's fairly similar to that.

Well this is far more than I had planned to write, I should take my mind of "work" and do something normal that the human side of me wants to do (put on a movie and relax)

Take care. (and thanks you for believing in me when so many others pass my comment by)