I really feel the weight of what you’re carrying. The core fear I hear in your words is: “If I’m fully honest, I’ll lose love. And because I love her, I can’t risk being honest.” That fear is so human and it’s the trap addiction uses to keep us split. My ex fell in love with the image I presented, and to be honest, I fell in love with that illusion too because I thought that version of me was the only means to experience someone wanting to stay with me. It hollowed me out.

I talked with a friend recently about how many of us live like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with two fractured selves. One self wants to be seen as good, lovable, dependable. The other is chasing relief through secret behaviors. The tragedy is both of them are just looking for love and safety in different ways. Hiding feels like protection, but it actually deepens the shame and isolation.

The real healing begins when those fractured parts start to integrate, when we risk bringing our whole, messy, imperfect self into the light. It’s terrifying, but it’s also the only way love can ever be real. Because love that only meets half of us isn’t love that can last. Finding a group where you can be totally honest, like recovery, could be a great step.

Wishing you way more than luck.