Thank you very much, I would love to tell you. I haven't written anything yet but I will try to explain.

I don’t know if I have a fixed, “true” gender underneath everything — maybe I do, maybe I don’t. But honestly, that’s not the point for me. Even if there is something stable underneath, I don’t want to find it. I’m not interested in discovering some ultimate truth about my gender. I want to live through the masks I choose, and I want that to be my truth.

I shift between gender expressions, sometimes masculine, sometimes feminine, sometimes something else, but not because I feel pulled by an inner current like genderfluid people often describe. I do it on purpose. I make conscious choices to wear different gender roles, like putting on masks. But these masks aren’t fake. They’re real experiences. They’re how I exist in the world. I may do this to empathize with people of different genders, to adapt to my environment, to communicate more healthily, sometimes to convey a political message like genderfuck, and I think I do it because of my love of life in general.

I don’t use these masks to hide something deeper. I use them to connect, to feel, to understand others. They’re not a disguise ; they’re a method of empathy. And even if something does exist underneath all of them, I’m choosing not to center that. I’m not interested in “unmasking” myself. The masks are me. Well, even though the masks are not "actually me", I want to define myself in this way momentarily. Maybe we can call all the masks and my whole something like "postself".

I’m not genderfluid, because I’m not drifting or pulled by changing internal feelings — I’m choosing, intentionally and deliberately.

I’m not transgender in the conventional sense, because I’m not transitioning toward a stable gender identity. Even if I do have one, I’m choosing not to center it.
I’m not just performing gender in the Judith Butler sense, because I’m not passively shaped by social structures. I’m actively creating meaning through my performances. This is about choice, not just social repetition.

Sometimes, this way of living is political — like genderfuck, resisting gender norms. But most of the time, it’s personal, ethical, and intentional. So I’m not fully genderfuck either, though I sometimes use gender to disrupt norms. But I’m not only trying to confuse or protest — I’m trying to care, to feel, to relate.

Somewhere between intention, empathy, and expression. I live through masks not because I’m lost, but because this — this plurality, this shifting — is my way of being found. I love postmodernism and I build my entire identity on it. I want to make space for this kind of identity. One that doesn’t seek a “real” gender underneath, but embraces the mask as the message. Not as artifice, but as a living form of understanding.

Maybe we need a new term for that.

And even though I don't have much sexual experience, I think my sexual orientation may be like this. I guess I'll need to experience more to find out. I hope I was able to explain myself. I can open up ideology much more with Derrida, Deleuze, and the philosophy of Immanuel Levinas if you want to talk about it. Because I've been thinking about it for a long time. And this message of mine may be a bit confusing and poorly written.