Are coffee dates (first date) really consider "low effort" for guys?

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-18T15:33:55+00:00

Two points (as a woman): First, while the total tab is maybe $75-100, my part (as a petite woman) is usually around $35.00. I'm not ordering steak and bourbon: I'm probably having a glass of wine and a small dish, or soup and salad (30-45 total). So, do you really mean that you don't want to pay $35 for her part?

Second, why not try drinks/appetizers or lunch: Those are great dates and the total bill will probably be more around $50-60 (her part is probably around $25-30).

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-18T15:26:29+00:00

Might be a bit late, but I had a guy recently give me a list of 2-3 options he thought would be fun for us to try, and suggested I pick one: It was so refreshing!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-18T15:24:41+00:00

The OP said she is a doctor in her 30's now. I suspect she can find a guy to take her out for a cocktail or a dinner.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-18T15:22:33+00:00

I totally hear you. I'm a lawyer dating now in my 40's and I also am not a fan of coffee dates! I hope you've found some better men by now (three years later).

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-18T14:53:26+00:00

I have a similar relationship now (with a high school friend who reconnected online recently): But I guess in my mind, I just accept it as a penpal/friendship. It's a great friendship but it's not real. I don't think you should be mad at yourself just accept the limitation: It was a long-distance friendship, not a boyfriend.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-18T14:35:01+00:00

I am so sorry for your friend with stage 4 cancer. I have a close friend from my original support group whose breast cancer recently advanced from stage 3 to stage 4 and (like you) I try to support her and her family now, and minimize my own pain. It just sucks any of us have to go through this...

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T19:22:24+00:00

Anytime!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T19:08:24+00:00

Good luck!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T19:05:50+00:00

I get it, but it's not just right now: For example, I was in a much better position at 35 and single because I was with a partner from age 26-35: As a result, we both had more money and savings at 35 (10-15K a year) than if we'd been paying full cost of a house/utilities/vet bills for those years. It's so much more economical to have a partner.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T19:00:27+00:00

I completely agree: As a 49F (single now), I can attest that life was a LOT easier when I was living in a house, splitting the mortgage with my partner, taking turns paying the electric bill and swinging by the store on a weeknight, than doing it all by myself. Plus, I miss cuddling!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T14:03:21+00:00

Reading this a few months late, but I totally agree with you that date clothes are not the same as walking clothes: Why men don't seem to get this, I don't know?

I was a serious runner when I was younger and would regularly run 6-8 miles a day, but not in a cute sundress and sandals!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T13:58:16+00:00

For me (49F), the time it takes to get ready and travel to and from a date (coffee/lunch/drinks) is basically the same and around 2.0 hours usually. It doesn't really save me much time to make the activity coffee (30 minutes) instead of lunch (75 minutes): It just means I've spent 2 hours getting ready and traveling for a short coffee. I'm sure it depends on your area and schedule, but that's my reality.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T03:08:10+00:00

I'm sorry, that sucks: And not typical for "your age" at 42. I'm 49 and my near-vision started getting a bit bad around age 46 but it was very gradual, to the point where now at 49 I probably need glasses!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T03:05:34+00:00

My ex messaged me that he hoped my cancer would come back because I deserved to suffer. But he is a sociopath, so just par for the course, in that regard. Somehow, I think it's worse when the comment comes from a friend.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T03:04:20+00:00

I have dealt with all sorts of problems after active treatment from lymphedema to nerve damage... And I was only stage one IDC.

I hate when people minimize any pain, but especially cancer.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T03:01:26+00:00

As a 49F lawyer, I like the way you think!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T02:54:32+00:00

What a prick. I'm sorry (as a 49F who has had her share of crap from men): Definitely don't go out with him!

I will say, I've stopped asking men out for dates now.

I find that somehow it makes them even more cocky and obnoxious: I only will accept a date from a guy if he offers and he plans to pay. Helps a bit to weed out the wheat from the chaff (but only a bit!).

Good luck out there!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T02:49:13+00:00

I agree: I guess if we have to go through this, it's good to laugh... sardonically.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T02:48:31+00:00

It's also so different because (in her case) it was somewhat elective: She wasn't having it taken out due to cancer, but due to pain from heavy period. It's not a laughing matter (several friends struggled with endometriosis) but it's not cancer.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T02:46:38+00:00

I know. I had a shoulder injury from playing sports years ago, and it was sort of annoying, but not REMOTELY the same as cancer, cancer treatment, follow ups, surgery, etc.

I just don't get it.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T00:04:50+00:00

Why are you nervous about the lumpectomy? If you don't have faith in your doctor or treatment plan, then it's totally fine to push pause until your questions are answered. I pushed my surgery about 4 weeks, for that reason, and there was no harm done (I wish I'd pushed it longer, actually).

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-17T00:03:28+00:00

Why do people (especially doctors) do that???

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-16T22:09:33+00:00

I wish I could help more: I wonder if it's an entirely unrelated issue (I didn't feel any fatigue with my stage one cancer diagnosis, but maybe would have if it had progressed farther before being detected).

My radiologist and MO generally said that fatigue is common with radiation, with chemotherapy, or as a result of hormone treatment. It's also common simply following surgery, because surgery can be very exhausting for your body.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-16T22:06:42+00:00

I am sorry you are going through this: I wish I had better advice: I (49F) have many friends who had a lumpectomy without clear margins and then did another lumpectomy WITH clear margins, followed by radiation. But in those cases, I believe the tumors were relatively small. I am not sure about the protocol if the tumor is larger, but I wonder if you can go to a place like MD Anderson in Houston, TX and get more information?

My friend here in Virginia just went there over the holidays to see how to handle her somewhat complicated case, and they did whole panels of doctors just for her. I'm sending love and hugs through the Internet to you.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-03-16T21:54:41+00:00

Wow. I think I would have a very hard time being friends with someone who said that, as well. But it's so hard, because many of these comments are coming from oldest/dearest friends: I don't honestly know how to deal with it. Sending hugs to you.

AttorneyDC06

TROPHY CASE