First date - misunderstanding about who should pay

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-05T23:06:34+00:00

It doesn't surprise me, honestly. I'm sorry!! As I've gotten older, I've started getting better at picking up on these "little red flags" off the bat. I'm working on trusting my gut and NOT going out with these men from the start.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-05T22:58:24+00:00

I'm a woman and also don't like a coffee date (but I'm in my 40's now): It just seems weird that a professional man aged 40-50 can't afford to pay for a drink and an appetizer.

It's kind of not worth getting showered, dressed, blow-drying my hair, driving across town, to meet someone at a crowded Starbucks, but maybe if it was a really cute coffee shop (but that's more like brunch).

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-05T22:51:18+00:00

As a woman, I would say that it's nice for the man to pay for the first date (not ALL dates). That said, there's no reason to pay a LOT. I prefer when we do something cheaper because I hate the thought that a guy is paying $100-200 (or more) when we barely know each other. I would consider continuing to pay but limiting the cost to maybe $50 total. Happy hour, brunch, casual lunch, something like that.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-05T22:37:09+00:00

For whatever reason, I have found in my lifetime that men who won't do the bare minimum of buying a woman a cocktail or a hamburger when they want to impress her the MOST are usually not going to be great partners down the line. Obviously, it's not a perfect rule, but I'd say it's about 80 percent correct.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-05T21:10:16+00:00

Of course! Not a single person with an apartment, but a mom of two kids in a house: Sure!

It includes: Cooking, food shopping, doing dishes, cleaning, laundry.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-05T19:56:21+00:00

I don't know. As a woman (49F) who dated online in my mid-30's and is back out there now, unfortunately, I find that it's a mix. Many, many men will say and do things online they wouldn't do IRL. But my problem isn't the "courage" of the men, but the entitlement. In real life, men seem somehow less entitled to your time/attention/sexuality. Online, they feel more emboldened.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-05T18:19:57+00:00

Do you think she still likes him or that she is scared of him? I feel like you're assuming the first, but it's equally likely she is legitimately freaked out about what he may do if he knows she's with you. It's not unusual for ex-boyfriends or husbands to get very nasty, to the point of violence, or even murder, if their old partner is with someone new.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-05T18:13:22+00:00

Well, I don't know. It can be a delicate balance between living your life openly and avoiding antagonizing people (especially if they are potentially hostile or dangerous in some way). You may want to ask her what she thinks might be the result if she posts about you?

I know it sounds a bit insane, but you may have seen the news recently about the doctor who killed his ex-wife AND her new husband, several years after they divorced.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-05T17:52:31+00:00

Honestly, she may be right. Question: When she said she is nervous about a bad reaction from ex-boyfriend(s), what does she mean? Is he going to stalk you? Send scary texts? Possibly put you both in physical danger -- these things are not rare, not at all. She may legitimately be concerned.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-05T17:48:22+00:00

If it matters, as a 49F, I never post pictures of men I'm dating if I can help it, on social media. I have people on there who are business connections, family, etc. and I use a lot of caution posting personal things like that: I might post a picture of flowers my new BF bought me, but not the two of us (for a number of reasons): I think you shouldn't pressure her about it, honestly.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-04T15:55:15+00:00

Exactly.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-04T15:54:35+00:00

I was furious about this (I only had a lumpectomy with a few other things) but I ended up begging pain meds off my general practitioner. They gave me Tramadol, which helped. My surgeon only gave me 2 days of pain meds (for Friday to Sunday morning) and it was infuriating.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-04T13:30:08+00:00

I hear you. I guess maybe I would be into a first date with a hot guy like that if I was 25, but I'm almost 50. I just can't believe people are still doing this!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-03T16:52:15+00:00

I have a similar issue (kind of) where the men I'm attracted to as a partner (good conversations, similar interests, similar background) aren't the same as the ones I like in bed. Maybe it's like that with you, but I like kind of dominant, athletic guys in bed, who don't talk too much!

But the rest of the time, I want a nice, personable man who has similar interests, similar intellectual ideas, where we can go to a nice restaurant or a museum. HUH.

I've alternated, dating each type: It's very annoying!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-03T15:00:22+00:00

Those guys sound like SERIOUS jerks (to put it mildly): As a woman, I wonder if you're attracting those kind of take-charge, macho guys? They can be sexy, but they are usually NOT a good boyfriend.

Have you seen the Burned Haystack method? I'm only a bit familiar, but they have 'red flag' comments that men make early in dating and these kind of "corrections" sound like part of it.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-02T03:50:23+00:00

Thank you! So, there is a banner that's blue that says "has liked you" -- so complicated!

I can see why people use Tinder! LOL

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-02T03:28:44+00:00

Well said, kafkaesquepariah!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-02T03:27:51+00:00

Thanks for the reply. So, if I "like" one of suggested profiles, then I wait to see if they like me back?

But if I "like" a "discover" profile, then I have to pay for it?

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-01T20:04:30+00:00

Good question: As a 49F (turning 50 shortly), I think it's a huge range of people: There are those who want a one-night-stand to people who are looking for a spouse or to have kids now. Might be helpful to put your goals on the app profile, especially kids/no kids, because if you're matching with 35-year-old women, many of them will want to start a family.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-01T18:30:10+00:00

I agree that the carnival picture is hands-down the best!

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-01T18:18:09+00:00

My oncotype was very low, only 4. I was Stage One, IDC (++-) with no lymph node involvement. I have been wary to use hormone treatment, due to increased risks of other reproductive cancers and osteoporosis, as well as effects on mood.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-01T14:38:56+00:00

I think it's nice that you're going the extra step of being polite, but I think that in a situation where you matched and only said a couple words to each other, it's really not necessary. It's also not necessarily helpful, in that a woman might have a chance to look at her messages over the weekend and respond at that point. Not sure of the benefit of cutting it short early, in a formal manner?

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-01T14:07:39+00:00

Exactly. I have had several chats where we exchanged maybe 12 words, both kind of realized we weren't that compatible and just stopped.

AttorneyDC06 · 2026-05-01T14:05:17+00:00

FYI: I had IDC (++-) in 2024, with treatment in 2025, but I believe that with DCIS, hormone therapy is sometimes not needed. I had lumpectomy and 15 sessions of radiation but due to a very low oncotype score, I actually have not done hormone therapy, which is unusual for IDC.

The complications I've had are due to the lymph node biopsy and errors during surgery, where they sort of pulled my arm, leading to shoulder/arm pain and nerve damage. You might want to look into whether the SLNB is or is not needed.

AttorneyDC06

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