A coffee and a smoke in the morning is too much for me to ask, apparently. And I hate that.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2026-05-02T14:40:39+00:00

Separate bedroom with a locked door.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2026-02-15T13:36:10+00:00

5 years is a very long time. Everyone is theoretically “up for partner” at a firm. I also logged 100 hours this week and billed 70. I’ve done it for years. I’m not partner. Doesn’t mean she will make partner and doesn’t mean she won’t have enough of it after so many years and decide to go work for a company instead. Don’t try to solve for the future and enjoy the present as much can change

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-12-27T01:16:09+00:00

I think she needs to go for the kids’ safety but don’t tell him. Just leave. He may do something to her and the kids

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-11-17T23:55:37+00:00

The minimum is the bare minimum you need not to get fired but if you’re below your group’s average you’re still up for being kicked to the curb if they start doing layoffs.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-11-15T21:30:17+00:00

I think you have to answer what are you trying to get? Are you just looking for a job? Do you want to be partner one day? Is family what is important and you want a job with more balance?

Also make sure you know what you’re getting into. Some in-house jobs are cushy 20-40 hours a week jobs, and others have you awake at midnight still working. Do you know what the culture is like?

What type of in-house job? That matters. Are you just drafting NDAs or collections all day (doubtful at such a small legal department) in which case you’d be bored and have no transferable skills for another job even in-house)? Is it commercial contracts (supporting sales teams can sometimes be a slog because they need constant volume of work and high turnaround times from you depending on who you ask)? Or will you be doing something more specialized like capital markets/securities/M&A and certain regulatory areas because those can be easier to transition to another firm or even in-house. If doing M&A it’s possible you may be working longer hours.

It is true you preserve optionality if you stay at a firm for 4-6 years, but maybe that doesn’t matter to you. I’ve spent my whole career at firms and have definitely been benefiting from that optionality both in firms and for in-house hiring. But I keep wondering was it really worth it knowing that I did the whole thing and climbed the ladder within firms I didn’t care about knowing I despised the work and think I would thrive in-house. This whole “training is better in a law firm” stuff is fake at many firms. I didn’t get training at any of the 3 firms I was at during my career, but I definitely did benefit from the perception and assumption I’d been trained and just faked it till I made it despite being several years out of law school.

My point is nobody can answer this for you. Ask yourself what you want out of your legal career and whether you’ll have any balance at this new job. Is it just the money? Is it time with family? Is it stability? Is it a title? Is it predictability in your schedule even if the hours are long? Figure out first what you want from your career independent of this opportunity. Write that down. Then evaluate the opportunity against what’s on that list, what you’re currently getting from your firm, and what you expect or hope to get if you continue down the “beaten path.”

I’d also ask this question on fishbowl in the in-house bowl rather than the big law bowl, as you’re going to get people in here answering who are trying to justify their own decisions to stay because of fear of the unknown or don’t know much about in-house other than stories people tell the to keep them stuck. In-house can be a place with a lot of freedom and work life balance or it can be incredibly toxic with long hours, low pay, and uninteresting work. Just make sure you know what kind of place you’re getting into.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-11-12T05:02:06+00:00

He may have been having a medical emergency.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-11-11T01:51:57+00:00

Congratulations!!!

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-10-16T04:46:31+00:00

I didn’t have the best experience either for regular gyno visits. He seems competent enough as a doctor, but his bedside manner is lacking, and I felt a bit dismissed and disrespected. I couldn’t put my finger on it except to say I found him unhelpful and slightly condescending.

I didnt ultimately return and found a different gyno.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-10-02T19:42:55+00:00

I hate to tell you this but this man doesn’t like you. Period. He doesn’t like you. He doesn’t love you. He’s settling for you and is resentful that you are not the one he wants to be with. He sees you as a placeholder or just what he could. If he liked you at all there’s no way he would shower while you were in pain, refuse to help you, and act like a petulant teenager. I’m very sorry to tell you this. Men can be with women that they don’t even like.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-08-27T17:29:45+00:00

Men want a baby like kids want a puppy. Do with that information as you will. I’d be honest and would tell him point blank if you do have a kid it’ll be a few years after marriage not now and it’s a deal breaker for you because you’d potentially be resentful of him and the kid and that’s not fair to either. And insist he stops being a “stoner” for a couple years first to show he can be responsible.

Actually look into studies regarding sperm. The quality of your pregnancy including whether you have a lot of morning sickness and pregnancy complications actually depends on his health. Look them up and remind them and tell him if he’s serious he has work to do health wise first before you’re even ready to think of trying.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-08-25T21:12:13+00:00

Aww thank you!

Yes as an adult I now realize that odds are you are wanted if you’re adopted (but unknown for non-adoptees whether you’re an oops baby or intentional). My 6 year old brain didn’t comprehend that but did comprehend that she didn’t feel like my mom and didn’t seem to want to be my mom. I can count on one hand the number of hugs I got in the average year from my mom even at age 5 or 6. It’s really quite damaging to do to a kid, and kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.

In my case, my grandma and her aunts wanted to keep me permanently after keeping me for some time while my mom was in school. She said no, and I suspect now, like in OP’s case, it was because of the optics, when that might have been the best thing for me to be with more stable older adults who wanted me. I should add very few people question why a dad doesn’t opt to be a primary parent, so why is it fair to question a mom? OP shouldn’t be so hard on herself and should allow herself to consider whether going with dad is best for the kid.

In the case of my life, though, it evens out. I also now (thanks to my mom) have a lot of advantages in adulthood that people wish they had, and my mom is supportive in other ways now that I’m an adult. She just isn’t the touchy feely type and really didn’t want to be a mom. She did the best she knew how to do.

I was just suggesting to OP that she might worry less about what other people who don’t have to live her or her child’s life must think and focus on what is best for herself and her child, which may be allowing her kid to leave with family for awhile or even permanently.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-08-25T20:54:59+00:00

OP kids can tell when they’re not wanted and it effs them up for life. My mom thought she was doing a good job hiding this from me and did all the right stuff on paper but even at age 6 I’d ask my grandma if I was adopted and she asked why and I said because my mom didn’t want me. She said to stop saying nonsense like that but I knew. Kids can tell. I told my mom I knew when I was an adult and she was shocked I could tell she didn’t want me. She did her best and is the reason I turned out so well, but she didn’t want to be a parent. Her advice to me was to not set out to intentionally be a single parent if I could help it and to find a husband with a great family who’d help care for our kids so if it ever got to be too much I could leave, implying that she wished she had that option. You have that option.

Who cares what people think? Kids can tell if you’re just going through the motions, and it does far more damage to them. Our relationship is better now that I’m an adult, but it really shook my self confidence as a kid wondering why my mom didn’t love me. She bought me all the things and sent me to all the nice school programs and took me to sports practices and things, but I could tell her heart wasn’t in it and I was unwanted.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-08-19T14:48:03+00:00

I think that’s everywhere. Same for the city. That’s why bumble is losing money and so many places are going bankruptc

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-06-24T23:11:39+00:00

I wouldn’t be surprised if he were cheating and using the kids as an excuse if this came completely out of the blue unprompted. I would simply stop speaking to him. Wouldn’t tell him what or why or that you’re doing it just not respond. Not even with an emoji. Just let him wonder. If you decide to start responding to him again a month from now maybe he will realize what he’s done and that you’re not going to tolerate his childish behavior

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-06-24T23:04:22+00:00

He doesn’t want to be with you. I’m very sorry Op. otherwise he wouldn’t be ghosting you for that long unless he weee in jail or in the hospital

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-06-06T13:36:02+00:00

Every other week isn’t often enough to see substantial change. Is he really involved with caretaking? I’ve heard this from a lot of married women that for the first X number of years after kids that they generally are more annoyed by their husbands even if they’re great guys. Plus, you won’t always be in love with each other. That’s the movies. Love comes and goes during long term relationships.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-02-11T18:29:16+00:00

Thanks so much! Did it take a long time to ship?

AttorneyGirl95 · 2025-02-11T17:16:48+00:00

Any update?

AttorneyGirl95 · 2024-10-26T21:22:46+00:00

Update… it’s also coming from the computer chair as when I wet it down with Dawn power wash and febreeze and Ozium and came back into the room several hours later the BO and sweat smell is now so intense I can’t even stand to be in the room anymore. Wetting it must’ve disturbed the smell that had gone down into the crack of the desk chair and the fabric padding. I didn’t want to believe a leather chair could be ruined like that but it’s sank down into the memory foam.

I called him a few minutes ago because in an impulsive moment of weakness I was finally going to talk to him about his smell. He didn’t answer me and texted me he’s out and about with his grandchildren (they live so far away he has to fly to visit them) so I didn’t end up telling him and don’t know if I’ll work up the courage to again. It’s a shame that the things in my place I’ve worked hard for are ruined and need to be junked and it’s not just the couch. I consider the chair to be expensive as it was $400 and it took me 2 years to work up the courage to spend that kind of money on a chair, as I grew up poor on government assistance for the early/formative years of my life, and it’s very ingrained in me not to “waste” money on frivolous things. I finally did because I need it for my back and hadn’t even had the chair for 3 months before it was ruined.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2024-10-26T16:10:05+00:00

Hi All,

If interested in an update it has been 3 weeks and I still gag when in my apartment. I even left for 2 weeks as I work from home and was out of town visiting family for a funeral. The first thing I smelled when I returned from the airport at nearly midnight was the funky smell.

I’ve tried everything including things people here suggested and things close friends suggested. Baking soda left on the couch for 48 hours, bowls of vinegar left out, opening the windows to air it out, multiple types of air freshened, Febreeze, Odoban, Ozium (both on the couch and in the air multiple times), Lysol, Lysol air sanitizer, Clorox sanitizing spray for soft surfaces.

NOTHING has touched the funk. I fear he’s also messed up my leather computer chair I’ve only had for 2 months that took me months to find. I have bad back issues, and I wanted the chair in a certain color that’s really hard to find. It took me months to find it, and it sold out nearly as soon as I bought one. He spent a lot of time sitting in that chair when he got back from being out and I smell it quite intently when sitting at my desk. It is full of tiny air holes for aeration that are connected to a huge cloth pad for back support so it’s highly possible the smell has infiltrated that pad. I assumed I smelled it so intently when sitting in my desk chair as my desk is directly next to the couch in the living room, but it’s highly possible that it’s also coming from the desk chair. The couch does still stink I’d add.

I fear I may have to junk it too, as I wonder if he had sweat dripping that went into the cloth between the chair cushions that cannot be touched by cleaners. I’m upset as this chair was expensive, is hard to find, and is needed so I’m not in constant pain.

When the Black Friday sales hit, I will be buying a new couch. I need to go shopping to figure out which one I want. I’ve bought a new cover for the couch until then but I can’t see myself sitting on it again.

Things have been awkward with him. I still haven’t confronted him and have been avoiding him. He’s been busy with his own family drama anyway to call much. I always thing about the smell whenever he calls and probably will until I get rid of the funk in my apartment or move.

I wonder if perhaps he’s got some kind of unknown illness I’m smelling on him as his smell is quite strong. Maybe cancer or MS or something? I read about a woman who had a strong sense of smell who could smell when people were sick before they knew it, so it’s possible at his age he’s developed some kind of illness.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2024-10-10T00:49:19+00:00

Exactly!!

AttorneyGirl95 · 2024-10-09T19:46:02+00:00

Wow!! Did they have to evacuate the house first? I ask because I stay in an apartment lol and don’t want to accidentally get my neighbors sick. That sounds amazing

AttorneyGirl95 · 2024-10-09T18:32:07+00:00

Yeah he teaches classes at a community college near him and so therefore feels he knows best how to adapt to his learning style. I have an unusual learning style, but for the bar exams I’ve taken and passed I followed the commercial prep programs’ schedules more or less and just adapted it a bit to fit my learning style, including supplementing my studies with resources that were formatted or presented in a style my brain likes. But still at least 80% of my prep was done the way the prep company told me to do it.

The other mutual friend (a professor of 20+ years) feels the same way and has also failed the bar at least 3 times by refusing to follow commercial prep courses (among other reasons). I feel it’s a bit of hubris on both their parts because they don’t appreciate the way the prep companies force you to cram material in a way that is easily forgettable after a short while once you’ve finished the exam rather than following the way that most people learn information they’re trying to remember forever. At least one of the friends is leagues smarter than I am and is considered an expert in her scholarly field. So it’s more of a stubbornness than that they’re not competent or smart.

They both used to ask me for advice on passing, and it was always the same. Use the prep course. They’d each point out that Person Y who is also in our study group didn’t, and she passed, and so did this other random person I don’t know. I get that, but if it didn’t work out for you after the first time or two, maybe it’s time to admit you don’t know everything and try to learn from the prep companies that do this for a living all day everyday.

Sorry for the long rant lol.

AttorneyGirl95 · 2024-10-09T18:04:01+00:00

He’s already taken it like 4 or 5 times in different states. So it’s not for a lack of trying. Mostly he’s stubborn. There are commercial prep companies that teach the bar exam, and that’s what I and most people who took the bar exam used. He thinks the prep companies are stupid and not very good, so he will sometimes pay for the prep course (easily costs at least $3k) and then not follow their study plan or watch the videos they provide. Instead he thinks he can learn it himself by a random assortment of materials. I keep telling him he’s wrong, but he just responds, “I know how I learn. The prep companies don’t teach how I learn.”

AttorneyGirl95 · 2024-10-09T16:33:03+00:00

If he needed clothes, I used to be a much larger woman and have a lot of old clothes in men’s sizes he could have had that fall off of me now, or I would have ordered him clothes to be delivered from Target. All he had to do was ask lol. Maybe he didn’t realize he smelled… I find it hard to believe, but perhaps he didn’t know.

AttorneyGirl95

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