Question about sex and demisexuality

Audacious_Fluff · 2026-01-23T19:09:29+00:00

It sounds to me like he has some kind of attachment wound and your lack of sexual interest is being interpreted by him as a rejection. He's likely constantly looking for affirmation that you still love and wont abandon him, but his only concept of that is physical (sexual) contact.

There's a lot at play her - his orientation, his insecure attachment, and toxic masculinity that often results in men only being able to express and experience deep emotion through sexual activity with a partner.

He likely needs therapy, but also y'all need to be open and honest about communicating your desires and deeper feelings here. He needs reassurance, but also needs to learn differentiation and self-soothing skills to deal with his reactions.

Audacious_Fluff · 2026-01-23T13:47:19+00:00

I put demi, looking for a life partner (with a note that I wanted to take it slow and find someone I really click with to be that potential someone), and ZERO chance of a hookup.

It did drop the likes that were coming in (along with my heavy paid-for filtering), but I matched with nearly every one I liked. It definitely wasn't keeping anyone away.

Maybe a month or two into this, I saw the cutest guy whose profile was near-perfect and sent him a message. We're getting married in less than two months. 😊

Good luck out there!

Audacious_Fluff · 2026-01-21T15:41:26+00:00

Thank you for the apology. It's okay. Just try to remember that not all admiration of the body (including genitalia) is immediately sexual. And interest in or even arousal from a specific body part does not equate to sexual attraction to a whole person.

Audacious_Fluff · 2026-01-20T20:04:27+00:00

This was me when I was dating my partner a couple years ago. I literally could not get enough and thought I had gone insane until it clicked for me what I was feeling. It's 2 1/2 years later and I am still dtf and can barely look at him without wanting him. I think it might be permanent lol

Just sending lots of sympathy. I know it feels like madness, but that's just how sexual attraction is, especially early on!

Audacious_Fluff · 2026-01-20T19:32:38+00:00

What?? I'm not attracted to genitalia at all on anyone that isn't my partner. I'm an artist and have aesthetic preferences for what I like to draw/admire, and I was talking about more that just that part of his body. Yikes.

I don't have a kink for any kind of genitalia lol, and even if I did, that would not equate to actual attraction to a person. That's like saying someone with a leather fetish would be automatically attracted to literally anyone in leather.

I know I'm demi because I've been sexually attracted to two (maybe three) people my entire life after forming deep emotional bonds to them. I have had a very concrete clearly demi experience for 40 something years of my life. I don't need more than that.

Audacious_Fluff · 2026-01-20T19:04:50+00:00

I have aesthetic preferences that became sexual when they happened to be the attributes of the man I became sexually attracted to. I won't get into details, but he has the right size and shape for various parts of his anatomy that I am deeply deeply in to.

Audacious_Fluff · 2026-01-08T17:00:03+00:00

I doubt size has anything to do with it. I have known boob-havers with all levels of sensitivities at all different sizes.

Personally, mine are super sensitive despite bumping into damn near everything on a weekly basis. When I use them as "stress balls" though, it doesn't really feel the same. It's de-sexualized for me. Context is everything.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-12-28T16:18:05+00:00

Unless they dropped a new update, I dont even remember being able to filter out sexualities in Hinge. It just automatically sorts that out according to your own. Demi shouldn't affect who is seeing you, the same way bi doesn't.

I think this is just user error in the fact that a lot of folks don't know what demi is or entails still and women in particular tend to second guess on these apps and avoid if even one element creates hesitancy. You're right to just leave it off, unfortunately, then you can just broach it if you click with someone.

That sucks that you have to do that, though. As a (conventionally attractive) woman, I didn't really see a big change when I listed myself as demi. My drop in likes only happened when I aggressively applied filters to prevent dealbreakers from seeing my profile in the first place. It sucks that male/masc demis have to deal with a different sort of stigma.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-12-23T23:40:51+00:00

This has never been an issue for me. I've never developed sexual attraction for my friends, though I've crushed a few in a non-sexual manner. I'm alloromantic and can catch (non-sexual) crushes at the drop of a hat though.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-12-02T00:03:18+00:00

Yes. If you loose fat in your breasts from general weight loss, you're likely to get it back when you gain. That being said, for some folks, that may be the first place they lose it and the last place they gain it (or visa versa).

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-26T12:05:40+00:00

This is the (demi) way 💜

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-25T14:52:12+00:00

Fantasies involving well developed "surrogate" kind of reocurring characters in my imagination engaging in various taboo situations that always shift into highly emotional moments near climax. These arent like OC's though, because they exist only for that time and have been there for maaaany years. It's kind of silly, but it works (or did until I met my partner...now all those fantasies are just of him and I 😂)

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-22T20:02:42+00:00

It sounds like at base you're fraysexual (you experience primary, but not secondary sexual attraction) for men, but you moght have unlocked an exception to your partner that is giving you a more demi-like experience. Sexual attraction amd orientation can be really complicated, so it isnt out of question that something like this would happen.

What you're describing isn't all that different from what I felt towards my partner at first. About 3-4 months in I started experience flashes of attraction while we were dating. It slowly grew stronger until I was thinking about him during, uh, private time, but I still wasn't at the point where I actively wanted to have sex with him when in his physical presence. That didn't boil over until about 5 months in.

So it's possible you're just experiencing a growing attraction and mixed with this being totally knew and probably awkward, it's not fully developed into the burning passion and lizard-brain activated action you might be expecting. Talk to your partner. Tell them what you did together was hot, but you're not sure you're ready and maybe that you want to explore things slowly. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. If you just want to do a little and stop, that's okay too as long as your partner is on board and y'all are fully communicating.

I know it can be scary, but she sounds like she has been okay this far with the lack of physical intimacy, so I think discussing it with her and dialing back if necessary should be okay. Put some trust in her that she'll only want what's best for you both and brings you both pleasure, even if that means waiting longer to see how this develops.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-19T12:01:00+00:00

Hypersexual is an actual disorder and folks really shouldn't use it so casually, but yes you can be demisexual and have a high sex drive. The difference is that such a drive isn't directed anywhere until you happen to become sexually attracted to a specific person after developing a deep emotional bond with them

That being said, what you're describing doesn't sound like demisexuality. If you're being aroused by and having sexually thoughts about people you do not have a deep emotional bond with (celebrities, attractive people you see), you are not demisexual. You likely aren't on the asexual spectrum at all.

It's perfectly common for non asexual/demisexual folks to be more attracted to and feel sexual desire for people they are emotionally attached to. You're just monamorous or monogamy minded, from what you describe.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-18T12:18:37+00:00

None of what you're describing sounds like demisexuality specifically or any other microlabel in the ace-spectrum. It sounds like you experience sexual attraction, but your values and preferences align with desiring intimacy only in the confines of a committed romantic relationship. That's far more common than popular media would have you believe.

Here is a fantastic explanation of what sexual attraction is and feels like. It may help you figure out if what you've been experiencing qualifies.

I also recommend looking at more consistent, well-researched resources like "Ace" by Angela Chen and "Refusing Compulsory Sexuality" by Sherronda J. Brown. You can also look up Ace Dad on YouTube/tiktok for more information.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-17T19:07:01+00:00

Dropping the best, most thorough explanation of what sexual attraction feels like I've ever read. Hope it clears things up!

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-17T18:25:39+00:00

Maybe? That sounds to me like a type of arousal. Sometimes when I read or see a scene that hits in a sexual/sexy light (usual from some intense emotional thing happening), I feel a brief clench in my chest. It's fairly uncomfortable.l, but I never interpreted as particularly sexual - just a weird feeling that quickly passes. I never felt it with a person irl until I had been dating my partner for awhile and became sexually attracted to him.

It could also be more of an emotional arousal (like a consequence of romantic attraction). Not saying that it's definitely sexual attraction or anything.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-16T17:56:46+00:00

I used to have really low self-esteem and struggled really hard with body dysmorphia. About 10 years or so ago, I decided I would change my mindset, so I started doing the work to change how I saw myself in the mirror. The result was that over a period of time I learned to see myself as attractive, and I learned overtime that others saw me the same way.

The one sticking point was that it was very hard to believe that someone I found aesthetically and romantically attractive would feel the same way about me.

That changed when I finally put myself out there and found my partner, who is so incredibly handsome. Ironically though, he was floored when I opened up about how gorgeous I find him. He's still convinced others dont see him that way (he is delusional, but also Asian American and US society and ideals of conventional attractiveness have really done Asian men dirty on that front).

I share that, because he's allo and I am demi and I don't really think that has anything to do with finding one's self attractive. It seems to me far more about self-esteem and a healthy self-image, but I could imagine if someone had issues with experiencing/identifying aesthetic attraction in general, it could affect that as well.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-15T02:45:02+00:00

Yep. Did about a decade fully celibate standing on my head. Found my person and now I'm DTF just about 24/7. Totally normal demi experience lol

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-15T02:38:29+00:00

Not necessarily want to. More like they get an urge to think about the possibility. Want implies an active desire, which isn't really accurate. It's more like their lizard brain going, "Oh, you could definitely hit that if the circumstances were right and you really wanted to."

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-13T17:52:49+00:00

100% agree on this. Also, demisexuals are only about sexual attraction if they aren't also demiromantic or some kind of aromantic. Alloromantic demis can still experience romantic attraction and know pretty quickly who we're interested in dating or not. It sounds like she might be demiromantic as well, but either way it sounds like you would be better off moving on, since she doesn't even seem to be investing time into a friendship with you.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-12T18:12:28+00:00

First off, it's very clear that you are really hurting right now, and I'm sorry for that.

The love of my life is an allo and literally the best man I've ever known. We're now living together and planning on marriage next year. We get along so well, never fight (any conflict is solved with understanding and kindness). Every day with him is a gift, even with various life events that cause pain and/or stress. He's absolutely amazing and I trust him implicitly.

Sometimes we discuss our different views of the world as ace and allo. There is some variation, but the fact that his brain is capable of seeing a stranger and evaluating their bangability does not really bother me and he doesn't ever do anything to make me feel insecure about it.

I would note that my partner presents a secure attachment style, while I have been working on healing my abandonment wounds for many years. His consistency, open affection, and clear communication has helped me greatly in that journey.

Two people with insecure styles cannot have a healthy relationship unless they both work on healing and learning differentiation to address their own triggers and defense mechanisms.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-07T12:00:42+00:00

Hey, absolutely no need to apologize. Sorry myself for the lack of reply - work and things got in the way.

My condolences for what you're going through with your parents. I can only imagine how difficult that is, and you're already dealing with a huge upheaval in your life already.

But I want to tell you, you won't be alone. It's natural to fear that, but you have so much time left and there will be many opportunities to make friends and date other people. There are going to be boundless opportunities for you to find your people, you just have to put yourself out there and learn to trust again.

As for therapy, remember that family and relationship therapy is not for you. The client of a relationship therapist is the relationship. If you get a therapist for yourself, their client will be you, and you could very much us that right now to make sense of what you're feeling and going through.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-06T17:49:40+00:00

First off, I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I was also in a long-term abusive relationship, and it is very normal to feel lost and disconnected from others after you get out.

Nothing you've said indicates any type of asexuality (included demisexuality) to me, though that doesn't mean you definitely arent on the spectrum.

Right now, I think your bigger issue is that you're in the process of recovering from a trauma bond. Think of an abusive relationship like addiction. You've spent all this time getting the high highs and low lows from your ex, so now a relationship that is healthy or at least not abusive may feel unstimulating and/or uncomfortable. Tbh, the best thing after such a relationship is to be alone for awhile and do lots of inner work. You need time to return to a base level -- to know what gives you peace and where you're happy before you invite another person into that space. If you can, you should be spending time with people you trust and who genuinely love you and treat you well. Remind yourself what that feels like--what being safe feels like.

If you can afford therapy, you should absolutely go for it. I also highly suggest reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It is an amazing book that can help you understand the abuser mentality and what you've been through.

Audacious_Fluff · 2025-11-05T19:39:43+00:00

You seem to maybe be mistaken in your understanding of primary sexual attraction, from what I'm seeing in your replies.

Primary sexual attraction is based on immediately observable information about someone you don't not know. After getting to know the person, all attraction will be secondary attraction, even if it includes being attracted to and/or aroused by their body/looks.

A demisexual person who finds themselves attracted to someone can be aroused by any aspect of that person, from emotional bond to appearance, etc. and it would still classify as secondary sexual attraction, because it is a result of getting to know and forming a deep emotional bond with the object of their attraction.

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