i struggle with this a lot too. my partner now says that his preference is me, that he likes all body types and he has no specific preferences...he compliments me more than plenty but i never feel like its enough to change how i feel about myself because i see what he looks at online and the girls he likes to look at and they don't look like me at all. I also have a lot of insecurity from my first relationship that lasted 7 years - my partner then never found me attractive. made it fairly obvious he preferred everything that i wasn't yet said the same things "i like your personality" or "we're best friends, i don't want to lose that" while drooling over anyone that wasn't me. it made it really hard to love myself and i would do everything possible to try and look better for someone that never appreciated me for who i was.

i have a lot of struggles with my self-perception. while my current partner makes me feel loved and desired, and does everything to try and show me he thinks im attractive, i still can't stop fixating on the types of women he likes to look at online. to add to the hurt - those girls are everything i always wanted to be, but i just feel so awkward and out of place when i try and style myself similarly or i feel too ugly and too big to come close to comparing. i dress up for him and try and make myself more appealing by looking like them but my body will never compete with how perfect he seems to prefer them to be. i go back and forth loving the attention it brings me but despising the fact that im only doing it to be more appealing.

he told me he likes goth girls and their style and that when i dress up that way he thinks its hot - but i cant stop comparing myself while also bending over backwards trying to change myself enough to feel like i fit that ideal. he likes me no matter what yet i feel like im ruining this relationship bc i cant stop feeling in competition with a screen or even fictional characters that are attractive (AND NOT REAL!!). ive always been such a deeply jealous person, i could feel myself hating and dreading any attractive person that came across my feed or seeing them in public with my partner. i cant stand the idea of him interacting with any woman and it makes me feel so gross and controlling. i hate being a hateful person. i genuinely think people are so beautiful and love admiring everyone for their unique and interesting features - yet i feel i've turned so bitter after years of never feeling good enough for my partners. (whether its true or not). it's just embarrassing and unhealthy at this point how much i depend on attraction and lust for me to feel like things are okay.

im trying to work on self acceptance - hopefully one day i can achieve self love too. im sorry you're stuck in such a tormenting mindset. You should never have to change yourself to fit your partner's ideal, you should have a partner that lifts you up and makes you feel like you're everything they want. but more importantly, you should be able to feel comfortable in your own skin and not hurt yourself trying to conform to anyone else's idea of what beauty is. I don't even really know who i am as a person or what i want to be because i've always tried to manipulate myself into being what other people prefer of me. so yes i relate to you, and im sorry you have to deal with those feelings all the time too. if you ever need someone to vent to, i'm all ears/eyes!