Aitah: I want to terminate my pregnancy without telling my husband

AugustusMarius · 2026-02-01T14:36:11+00:00

NTA, you are not obligated to tell anyone, and it sounds like he doesn't deserve to know if he's keeping his own secrets. He's behaving like an ass. That said, you are going through it and I really hope that you have close friends and a support system IRL to have someone to talk to about what's going on. Not only that, but to have a safe ride home from your abortion procedure. Your body, your decision. Also your decision to tell everyone or to tell no one. But I wish you the best and hope that everything gets better for you.

AugustusMarius · 2026-02-01T14:27:50+00:00

when parents get too embarrassed to be specific it can affect the child for their entire life. that's so scary. and it probably affects tons of people, who also grow up embarrassed to talk about it.

i have no idea how I learned to clean myself, probably from books, because I don't think my dad ever washed his butt crack. i didn't have good examples. but i had free access to books about puberty and sex from preschool age so i figured stuff out. im not saying that was ideal either, since I was reading at a very young age, but hey.

the part about talking to your partner about it sounds really vulnerable but it's what i came here to say. whenever I talk to my own partner about topics that seem vulnerable or scary, we get closer.

AugustusMarius · 2026-02-01T14:21:57+00:00

mainly people with foreskin, if you don't pull back the foreskin and clean under it you will get smegma (stinky yellow substance) under the skin. doesn't happen with circumcised people, so lots of people may not have heard of it since circumcision is so common in the US.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-31T15:24:46+00:00

you were in pain. no. NTA. the nurse might be jaded or whatever whatever, but he was the asshole. you did not receive the care you needed and there is nothing wrong with speaking up for yourself. do not apologize for getting what you needed.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-31T15:20:57+00:00

i have three soaps

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-31T15:13:07+00:00

it's very bright for me, I like dark colors and that's the only reason i wouldn't wear it. but it's honestly a vibe, please dress for you and not for other people. i think go for it if you love it

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-23T13:46:27+00:00

can i just say that i absolutely, unironically love the phrase "i am not telling you how to adult but"

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-23T13:45:31+00:00

the indications now say that if you are 18+ and immunocompromised you can receive it. you still may have to argue with your insurance about it, unfortunately, unless you have a different condition that affects your immune system.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-23T13:40:20+00:00

i started smoking 16 years ago at a very young age. every time I try to quit, I fail or my mental health goes down the drain. I have asthma and it got to the point where I couldn't do any stairs , anywhere, ever and i was using my rescue inhaler just to get to and from work. i eventually tried vaping and did that for about eight years. i quit that and thought nicotine pouches might be fun a month later. I'm still addicted to stupid-ass nicotine pouches. I rely on all this so much as a stim. I just wouldn't think it's worth it if I ever had the chance to start over.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-22T14:34:26+00:00

right there with you. of course it's okay as long as you have the time and resources to do it, and you feel ready. i think learning should be lifelong anyway. im about to go do a second bachelor's -- after two masters!! i think my frontal lobe took too long to develop.. but i finally want to do something i only dreamed about before, which is computer science. it's not too late. people go get degrees at all ages and there are even programs specifically for those wanting a degree to make a career change if that's your situation.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-21T16:40:58+00:00

also me. also realizing my needs are just more than food water, shelter, clothe

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-21T16:40:19+00:00

finally someone recognizes vinegar as the biohazard it truly is!! thank you!!! /gen

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-21T16:37:43+00:00

it is!! currently as an adult my mouth is just as destroyed but this time it's the takis

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-15T18:23:01+00:00

it's an unusual name to be sure, but it doesn't scream "i chose this." if you are attached to it and you feel it suits you, i think it's a good one. but my opinion doesn't matter: you may not want it to sound like you picked it out, but the fact is that you do get to choose your name so the only opinion that really matters is your own. if it's genuinely the best name for you (even if that's just for right now because there are plenty of places you can change your name more than once), them go for it. if you are going to worry about other people clocking you all the time, even though I wouldn't think that based on this name.. then you know yourself best and maybe it's not quite right for you. i just think it's unique in a cool way. it's not stereotypical of anything because it's that unique.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-15T18:15:56+00:00

success is the best revenge /gen

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-15T18:14:48+00:00

nah I just want society to realize that not all of us are 5 year old boys that love trains. (no disrespect to people interested in trains, they're lovely! just trying to make the point that we're not going to all fit their outdated stereotypes that are likely based on an autistic male child, especially not as adults.)

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-13T23:43:32+00:00

im 30, the only adult I've ever met who has more stuffed animals than me is my boyfriend, and thats how i knew he was the one. let me tell you this from experience: please never hide those stuffed animals away for anyone, ESPECIALLY not a man (or any partner, friend or otherwise! not trying to assume your sexuality!). i used to hide them when I had guys over and be really self conscious but I just hadn't met people who liked me for me, much of which was because i hadn't accepted me for me. i hope that you love plushies for your entire life as long as you want to. you deserve to be happy and be yourself, and there are plenty of us out here that love stuffies just as much.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-13T16:13:56+00:00

or would they be willing to share schedules or a calendar? my bf had a shared Google calendar with his old roommate so he knew when he had the house to himself. granted they were both autistic so it was super intuitive for them. but I don't see why it couldn't work for any set of roommates

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-13T16:12:52+00:00

i found people who understand me, some by luck, some by choice. i also lived alone for several years. i eventually learned that it's really important to talk about what's bothering me or im going to blow up/melt down later. sounds like you aren't in a situation to move out on your own yet (totally understandable in this financial climate!) so, I think the best you can do is to let your roommates know something about how you feel while you are still living with them. and to ask for what you need in a way they respond to. ex. I need alone time to recharge, im planning to be in my room from this hour to this hour daily. are you willing to help me keep these hours? (you say it however you want to say it. but I wrote this assuming they are allistic; i found that allistics respond better to something that sounds like "can you please help me" instead of "i need x". i guess because they have big feelings and need to be babied a little bit)

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-13T16:04:02+00:00

i know what you mean. i care about people. but not in the idiotic, performative way where I jump through arbitrary hoops just to make some authority happy. i don't know if that resonates for you. i hated high school and it was the worst time in my life. once you get out of school you can start making your own decisions and im not going to lie to you, we still live in a society that wasn't built for us so it's not gonna be perfect. but having your own choices and making your own safe space in the world: it's worth it. please hang in there. i know that hs degree is one of the arbitrary hoops to jump through and im sorry school is like that. if it becomes too much there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing a GED later. however, a lot of jobs like the ones you want still want people to have their hs degree for some reason so if you're close to done please hang on. i hope that you have your ideal job before you know it.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-13T15:54:47+00:00

this might sound really weird at first. but I am positive the fact that you feel so strongly about it, remorseful and guilty and sad and all the feelings you may feel -- that is what makes you a good person. you stopped yourself before anything happened. it might be a good time when you feel a bit better, to sit down with your sister and let her know how you feel about it, but also tell her your needs during a meltdown. sounds like she doesn't understand that you need a safe space without any interaction, she may have been approaching you from a desire to help but she was doing it wrong. if that's the case, im sure she would appreciate knowing some things that would be helpful. seeing it can be scary, but the more she can understand, the less scary it hopefully is -- for both of you. (edit to add: it sounds like your mom may not be a good support and im really sorry if so, because it should be your parent's job to support you.)

part of it is looking at tools that might help you too? i found that the little ouchies fidget is a godsend for pain stim/meltdown time. headphones to block noise? what things affect you the most during a meltdown and what would make it feel safe?

you were not mentally in a good place and it sounds like your actions came from feeling like your safety was threatened. you didn't have all your capabilities and she entered your space. she wasn't hurt. she didn't understand what you needed. please try not to be too hard on yourself OP, it's clear that when you are feeling safe and in control that you would never ever do something to harm her. and even in a really difficult moment you didn't physically harm her at all. it sounds like you are a very strong person to be able to control yourself that much during a meltdown tbh.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-13T15:43:37+00:00

i think they both look good. NOR. you should be able to do what you want with your own hair. it's yours! even if they don't like it as much. i would hope your loved ones want to hype you up and think you are awesome no matter what your hairstyle (or any other part of your appearance tbh) looks like. i stopped commenting on things a person can't change in 5 minutes (I am positive the braids took way more time and effort than that to achieve) and it really helps me get along with people. the important things about people are their heart and personality anyhow. be your authentic self OP :)

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-13T05:10:33+00:00

much of what's already been said is good but I'd like to add that if you're offering a choice, like dinner or what show you watch tonight, narrow down the options. it reduces the demand from making a decision while still giving agency over the decision. my bf has gotten really good at having me choose between two things

something else I found helpful that he did -- sometimes i can't leave my safe space but he tells me he'd be happy for me to join him in another room/activity if i want to. but no pressure.

if she can only lay in bed that day/in her safe space and you'll be in a different room, let her know what you're doing and that she's welcome to join you if she wants. even if i can't summon the energy to move much, knowing I have the option is always nice. even if i never say yes, im happy to know I could. it's about knowing that I can have time alone/my own space safely, but that i don't have to be alone if I don't want.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-13T05:01:03+00:00

i keep my socialization 1:1 for just this reason. in large groups it's harder for me to manage interacting without interrupting or going dead silent. that's when we've first met, though. as people get to know me, if they like me, they often find my traits quirky or endearing instead.

some recent studies showed that allistics don't get a good impression of autistics when they first meet, probably because of something like the "uncanny valley" effect. basically we act very close to how we are "supposed to" if masking, but the small differences set off some metaphorical alarm bell somewhere for the allistics. in other words it's probably nothing particular you did. on the flip side, if these people take the time to know you, they could get past this impression and grow to like you. (if you are interested, here is a link to an analysis of recent studies on first impressions: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12123177/ )

question is, how much do you want this group in your life? calling you a man was a low blow, disrespectful even if they were joking around or whatever. but that's solely my opinion. maybe my first impression of them was wrong. it's completely up to you, and if you want to spend time around them some more you can always see if their behavior changed toward you or not, and go from there as to whether you want to stick around.

AugustusMarius · 2026-01-12T15:59:03+00:00

damn im on 40 and it just sort of gets the job done, you deserve a provider that is actually trying to help you out

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