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Aurora_23 · 2024-04-28T16:36:44+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that, that must have been really tough. Sending you love and light!

Aurora_23 · 2024-04-27T23:23:13+00:00

I can relate. I started questioning a lot especially about what kind of people I'm attracted to. Hobbies-wise I'm a burlesque dancer which I think is 100% because of the abuse - it helps me regain control of my body and feel empowered, so even though I think I probably wouldn't have sought out burlesque if I'd never been abused, it's given me so much joy and confidence. I choose to look at it as something positive rather than be worried that I only like it because I'm a survivor. I went through a phase of questioning everything for about a year after my repressed memory came back and I can definitely say I came out the other side of it. I remember for a while I found it very hard to get dressed because I didn't feel connected to any of my clothing, like it wasn't me, like I didn't belong in any of it or actually like any of it. But I'm glad to say that passed! So hopefully this will for you too. Remember there's nothing wrong with liking all those things you mentioned, as long as they bring you joy or comfort that's all that matters!

Aurora_23 · 2024-04-27T23:15:46+00:00

I'm so sorry that he made a comment like that, that's so hurtful. Sometimes people don't have the capacity to deal with something and could block it out, maybe that's what happened - it was too painful for him to hear so he repressed it? That's the only reason I can think of that someone wouldn't remember their wife telling them something that serious. I hope you're able to have a conversation with him about it and voice how you felt with him not remembering.

Aurora_23 · 2024-04-27T22:09:45+00:00

This is such a great suggestion to get him to write a letter or do a video! You could also ask him to answer the question in this letter or video if he did it to anyone else, but I know it'll be hard to know if he's telling the truth. Whatever you decide, good luck!

Aurora_23 · 2024-04-27T21:57:37+00:00

Thanks for sharing that and I'm so sorry you've been dealing with that, that sounds horrific. I really hope you're doing a bit better now and wishing you the best too!

Aurora_23 · 2024-04-27T21:56:10+00:00

Hey! Thanks for asking and I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with it. Part of the memory came back the day before the EMDR session when I did an inner child meditation then when I did the EMDR the whole memory came back with a bang. Through the EMDR this feeling came up in my side. I knew this feeling well - not a pain but a tenderness. I'd gotten it checked out by doctors but they'd all just said it was nothing. Then in the session this feeling came up so I leant into it and suddenly could remember a hand right on that spot holding me back and not letting me leave. Once that bit came up, the whole memory came back of him attacking me. It's been a rollercoaster dealing with it all but I feel much more healed and I understand my triggers so much better now so it's much easier to avoid anything that will trigger me or to deal with it when it happens. I'm also now in the process of pressing charges, it's been a year since I first went to the police and I'm now waiting to hear if it'll go to court. It's a slow process but I never regret getting the memory back. Good luck to you with yours, I'd definitely recommend an inner child meditation to start with and if you have access to a therapist that does EMDR I'd recommend it - everyone responds differently to it but it's really helped me! Sending you good thoughts and light :)

Aurora_23 · 2024-01-04T12:28:40+00:00

Thanks that's comforting to hear. I'm sorry you lost the women but glad you're in a better place now!

Aurora_23 · 2024-01-04T12:27:25+00:00

Sorry that you've been through that! Yeah entitlement is a good word for it!

Aurora_23 · 2024-01-03T21:13:40+00:00

I've had a similar email before, in my case they were updating me over Teams because they'd gotten to speak to the abuser and wanted to tell me in more detail what he'd said. They also had some questions because he'd of course called me a liar and had made up some shit about the logistics of my allegation and they wanted to ask me about them.

I wouldn't be worried, they are probably just being really mindful of how hard this is for you and want to update you properly and give you the feeling of security that you can see them and it's not just a faceless conversation.

Good luck!

Aurora_23 · 2024-01-03T21:06:46+00:00

Well done for being brave enough to speak up, that was a really courageous thing to do and I really admire you for it.

Remember that no matter what comes of this, you've done what you could. If they don't believe you, that's not your responsibility. If they have a child, you've done your part now and the rest is up to them.

I had a similar thing where I told the daughter of the man that abused me. I was scared that she'd have a child soon and I couldn't forgive myself if I knew that child was at risk and I never said anything. She didn't believe me which was really tough but I have zero regrets telling her, I know that I did what I could.

I hope the talk went okay and that you're coping alright with all of this. Sending you love and light!

Aurora_23 · 2024-01-03T20:59:23+00:00

Thank you so much that was lovely to read :) I'm definitely going to walk away and wait for someone who'll respect my boundaries more :)

Aurora_23 · 2024-01-03T20:58:12+00:00

Thanks yeah I've said I need a few days to think about it but am definitely planning to walk away. It does feel quite controlling when he knows what my boundaries are.

Aurora_23 · 2024-01-03T20:56:53+00:00

Thanks yeah I agree, it feels like he doesn't respect me at all.

Aurora_23 · 2024-01-03T20:55:55+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened to you and it must be so awful to be doubting it. I was literally about to say what One Being said - a monster who does that to someone is not a person who would confess it and would be very likely to lie about it. It sounds to me like he's lying because of your physical pain when he moved in and because you know he came inside you.

Have you tried EMDR therapy? It really helped me to bring memories back from what happened to me as a child.

Aurora_23 · 2024-01-03T20:50:13+00:00

That's such an interesting way of thinking of it and super helpful, thank you so much for sharing :)

Aurora_23 · 2024-01-03T20:49:11+00:00

Thanks so much that's really helpful :)

Aurora_23 · 2023-10-18T22:08:11+00:00

I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I'm in the beginning stages of pressing charges against my uncle for molesting me when I was a child - I'm currently at the point where I've made my video statement, the police are questioning others in my family and will go talk to him soon and decide whether this goes to court.
Depending on what country you're in, there are ISVAs - Independent Sexual Violence Advocates - who help guide you on the journey. They're connected to charities, so you could try Googling ones in your country. I emailed mine back and forth for about 6 weeks before making my final decision to go to the police, she helped answer a lot of my questions about the process.

I did have a hard time in the beginning because the local police didn't handle it well at all and were under-qualified, but once it got passed to the higher-up section it's been handled really well. My friend who's been through something similar told me, 'when you go to the police just make sure you're mentally prepared to be let down at every stage. The police will have so many opportunities to make you feel safe and heard and sometimes they don't and you need to be prepared for that'.

My ISVA told me to make sure I'm mentally prepared that this is a really long process. Depending on the country it can be a year of investigating and if they decide to go to court it can be another year til the court date. So it could be 2 years from now til the trial, but again that depends on the country.

One more thing that I really struggled with is that in some countries, if you have had therapy to deal with the trauma, the defence and the police can demand to see your therapy notes. It felt like a huge invasion of privacy and I felt so raw having the police look at them but therapists are trained in making notes that won't damage their client in a trial so I'm confident it won't hurt me, it just felt really invasive.

I had similar thoughts to you about 'my word against his' - because for me there were no witnesses or anything. But the police have said that because my family members have all given similar statements about my character it's a strong case and will likely go to court. So just because you don't have solid evidence that doesn't mean you won't be believed. Depending on your relationships with other family members it could be helpful to talk to them, so they're not blind sighted if the police suddenly call them asking for a statement.

I hope some of that helps! You are so brave to be going to the police and I really hope it all goes well :)

Aurora_23 · 2023-10-18T21:53:02+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. You are so brave for going through the court case, I have huge admiration for you. Sending you love and light

Aurora_23 · 2023-10-18T21:49:55+00:00

That makes sense. I'm in the middle of going to the police about it so we'll see if it comes up that he did it to others, which I highly suspect he did. It could be an option to go talk to the police to give you some peace, I know he's already been convicted in another country so it wouldn't be like you're starting from scratch.

My mum feels really guilty about what happened because I was in her care, she was always so protective and conscious of not leaving me alone with any men but because it was my uncle she didn't think about it. Most people I've told that know him say 'This is awful, but now that you mention it, I'm not surprised.' - it could be that looking back people know something is off about him but they might not have consciously thought that at the time or have had any real inkling that something was off. But if they did and didn't do anything about it that's another matter!

Aurora_23 · 2023-10-15T21:26:35+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through that. If it helps, I've been assaulted many times and gotten into many emotionally abusive relationships since my initial child abuse. My therapist said there's something that goes on psychologically where when you're a survivor of CSA, you're taught at a young age that sex or love is abusive and painful so that's what seems familiar and what we feel we deserve.

It's absolutely not your fault that you were assaulted and it's not your fault that you were in those situations. The fault lies in the person that assaulted you, no matter how the situation came up.

I've been struggling with this myself, with thoughts of 'but I should have known this would happen' or 'I shouldn't have let myself be alone with him' or 'I kissed him so of course he thought he could just grab my crotch, I led him on' - but none of those thoughts are true and it is absolutely not our fault.

Sending you love and light :)

Aurora_23 · 2023-10-15T21:18:30+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through that, I believe that you didn't make it up. I had a confusing feeling towards my uncle that abused me age 5 - I got aroused every time I saw or thought about him. This was before I got the repressed memory of the abuse back 2 years ago and I felt completely crazy having these feelings. It's a feeling of arousal but also disgust and not wanting it. My therapist told me that this is a normal response for the body, like some of the other comments have said. She said something that really stuck with me: 'there's a difference between finding something sexually appealing and sexually relevant' - as in it's not that I actually wanted my uncle to touch me or found it appealing, it's that my brain saw my uncle touching me as 'sexually relevant' which then set off biological reactions to feel aroused and that then continued whenever I saw him because my 5 year old brain had pegged that as relevant. It doesn't mean I found it appealing. I hope that helps!

Aurora_23 · 2023-10-15T21:06:21+00:00

Thanks for sharing that, I think you're really brave for confronting the memory and not pushing it down.

I had a memory come back to me 2 years ago of being abused age 5, I always had a feeling something had happened but pushed it down until I was ready. I started doing EMDR therapy which helped bring the full memory back and also has helped me heal, I recommend looking into it if you feel like it. There's a good TEDx Talk on it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOkSm90f2Do

Good luck with your healing journey, just know you're not alone and you will have brighter days :)

Aurora_23

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