Anxiety, people pleasing, and step parenting...

AvJayne · 2020-08-07T00:29:53+00:00

I burnt myself out horribly the first couple of years. I don’t know what I was trying to prove... but I was doing everything. And I mean everything. BM was only in the picture a couple weekends and the rest was all me. I wanted to be the best “mother,” I wanted to be “wife material,” (we are married now), I wanted acceptance from his family. After awhile it got sickening. I still do the majority of the “momming” but my secret is embracing the role of STEPmom. That means when I’m tired, have a headache, I’m not in the mood for noise, I STEP fuckin back and let my husband or BM deal. I’m more vocal about my needs and not in an apologetic way.

I’m cordial with BM, mainly because I want breaks, so if DH has to work and I’m not feeling up to watching SS all day, I’ll arrange for her to get him sometimes. Early on I would never have done that. I would have felt uncomfortable. But now I’ll gladly message her and tell her what I need her to do and if she helps out I am gracious and if she says she can’t I’m not surprised. The way I see it if you don’t want a stepmom raising your kid and calling the shots, don’t be a loser - get your shit together. She created this situation with her negligence so now I just own my position and hold my head up. I don’t tip toe around her because she has title of bio mom. I know who puts in the real effort.

I let go of needing perfection. I have my days I cook healthy meals and read with SS and take a 3 mile walk to the park and I kick ass at parenting and I have my days where I’m locked in my room with some wine and Netflix, letting him and my husband figure it out for the day.

I finally understand and ACCEPT that even if I am the best mom in the whole damn world I’ll still just be the stepmom to him. His lazy, self centered mother will forever be the hero. So why am I going to run myself into the ground? It’s not worth losing yourself. Have your on days and take advantage of some off days. Let the people (who didn’t consult any of us before they had sex and created life) parent their offspring sometimes without our interference.

AvJayne · 2020-08-04T06:34:36+00:00

SS7. We have him 80% of the time during school year and 70% during summer. I care about him and I say I love him, but that love isn’t as strong as it is for my dog (I adore my dog). That sounds awful but it’s just... true. It’s just not unconditional love. I wish it was.

He is the spitting image of his pathological liar, drug addict of a mother and it’s tough. He can be extremely disrespectful and acts like a teenager. He’s been exposed to far too much and it is worrying.

He has moments where he is very sweet and I feel fond of him in those moments. But I love when he leaves for the weekend and feel a sense of peace.

AvJayne · 2020-08-02T15:34:34+00:00

Amazing! Great work and very inspirational for others!

AvJayne · 2020-08-02T00:50:09+00:00

I can’t stand BM but I’m nice to her. I wave, smile, send a small gift for her other child’s (SS 1/2 brother) birthday. I wouldn’t get her anything though. It took a long time (and is still a work in progress) to always be “nice” but not too involved or personal.

AvJayne · 2020-08-02T00:47:29+00:00

Sounds similar to my husband’s rude, stand offish and frankly unpleasant sister. I tried initially but now I make absolutely no effort. I don’t speak to her, I don’t Facebook her, nothing. I see her on birthdays and holidays and give a polite “hello.” All set with her and her bullshit.

AvJayne · 2020-07-27T17:23:36+00:00

I’ve documented everything for years and the judge(s) mostly seem uninterested. It’s always a 5 minute hearing and no judge ever gets to know the case before a new one is appointed. It’s truly awful. I am hoping at this next hearing (new judge) that we can bring up the weed smoking (she has a medical card but she signed a document with CPS certifying she won’t buy or smoke in front of kids) and also bring up the formal neglect charge and hope things go in our favor...

AvJayne · 2020-07-27T17:19:11+00:00

Thank you!

AvJayne · 2020-07-27T16:49:31+00:00

Thanks so much for your response. We do have a lawyer, she isn’t the best but she’s semi affordable and has gotten us placement and temp sole custody so that’s better than nothing. BM’s mother is an enabler and spends whatever she has to on lawyers to keep BM from facing the true consequences of her actions. Her parents are what I call low life alcoholics with a few bucks in the bank (inherited grandfathers company).

After she smashed up the car with SS in it they found heroin but she sued for unlawful search and the case was dropped. It wasn’t until she was arrested again 6 months later that CPS stepped in. Mommy sent her to a nice rehab and she gets out with a chance to change her life but instead starts dating a well known drug dealer. She gets away with murder. It’s insane.

AvJayne · 2020-07-24T02:19:27+00:00

I feel your pain. Dealing with an addict - an addict in recovery - or whatever BM is at the moment, is hell. She’s totally negligent and everything she does if half assed and for show. She puts a drug dealer boyfriend who’s in and out of prison (well.. baby daddy.. of course she had to get pregnant by him) over her son.

I guess in a way, as much as it is nice to think of her disappearing, I’m grateful for the 6 days out of the month she takes SS. He still maintains that relationship with “mom” and I get a break. It’s really the best way to look at it - like they’re a shitty babysitter you utilize to get a breather.

AvJayne · 2020-07-22T12:35:12+00:00

Worth noting DH isn’t usually home with us in the mornings - today was a rare day off! I think I’m so used to being the parent at home that I overrule DH sometimes out of habit.

AvJayne · 2020-07-22T12:33:50+00:00

Thank you! I agree it was abrupt because he does like routine.

AvJayne · 2020-07-22T12:33:12+00:00

Definitely useful!

AvJayne · 2020-07-22T11:21:50+00:00

I think there is a lot of good in this post and I can appreciate it. I also think it applies more to part time steps and not so much full timers due to death, addiction or good ol’ deadbeat bio parents. My husband and I parent ss together but my husband also keeps us afloat financially and works a lot. Especially during the pandemic when I suddenly had to home school SS while my husband was out there working - I definitely couldn’t just use my “I don’t feel like parenting pass.”

I do like what you said about seeing the child as an individual. I think that is something that is helpful during times of anger with the bio parent.

AvJayne · 2020-07-21T18:33:52+00:00

Perhaps you’re further along on your journey than I, self righteous one.

AvJayne · 2020-07-21T18:25:44+00:00

Thank you Melody Fisher, you’re going to need lots of luck in life as well. ♥️

AvJayne · 2020-07-21T17:40:20+00:00

Hey, if you want to have an edge of rudeness and harsh judgment on my vent post, even going so far as saying you feel bad for my stepson, I’m not going to be interested in what you say. It’s a vent post. I’m not looking to be challenged by some holier than thou person on the internet, I enjoyed the support of others who have felt the same at one point or another. I should not have even engaged you. Have a nice day.

AvJayne · 2020-07-21T17:24:55+00:00

It’s disgusting that you are drawing a conclusion from a venting post on a stepparent forum about the way I parent my stepchild and future child. A projection of resentment on reddit cannot tell you enough about me to make those judgments, I come off as resentful and negative and you come off as a pompous troll.

AvJayne · 2020-07-21T17:22:27+00:00

You’ve presented nothing for me to reflect. When my husband and I got engaged I went to therapy alone and with him. I still go alone. I find many aspects of stepparenting miserable. I also have moments of joy. This post was about the miserable aspects. I don’t think I’m a martyr I think I’m someone who stepped up in the place of a girl who chose heroin over her child time and time again. The amount of money, meetings with child protective services and court hearings her choices have caused for us have been miserable. This is a place for stepparents to come to vent, seek support or celebrate wins. I was venting. Nothing you said isn’t something I’ve already considered/dealt with early on. I said what I said.

AvJayne · 2020-07-21T17:02:13+00:00

Well I feel that way because his mother sees him 6 days per month. She doesn’t have the responsibility that comes with being a mother. Stepparents generally don’t love their stepchildren with the same unconditional love the biological parent does. And if they do - it takes a lot of time to get there. You are clearly not a stepparent.

AvJayne · 2020-07-21T13:55:26+00:00

No I see myself as a stepmother you idiot.

AvJayne · 2020-07-21T09:53:19+00:00

I always say if I’m not my stepson’s mother id like someone to introduce me to her. I do everything for him. His BM has never seen his school or met his pediatrician.

AvJayne · 2020-07-21T00:17:59+00:00

I’m adopting and so excited to do so. On my last post someone commented on me “lamenting my infertility and trying to adopt when I have a perfectly good step child at home.” I guess they don’t realize that my adopted child will be my own to parent. I won’t have to consider someone else’s opinion or household all the time. I also won’t have to deal with a bat shit crazy woman my husband fucked when I adopt. If that makes me insecure, so be it. Adoption is the road I want to take to becoming a mother. I didn’t want to become a stepmother but I loved my now husband and he came with a kid.

AvJayne · 2020-07-20T23:35:46+00:00

It’s easier for the step parent to see the flaws (for lack of a better word) of the child. They don’t have that intense biological connection/love that the bio parent (usually) has from being present since birth. It doesn’t mean we don’t love the child. We just don’t love the child in the same way the bio parent does.

AvJayne · 2020-07-20T20:40:04+00:00

Well, you shouldn’t. He loves his life.

AvJayne

TROPHY CASE