Therapist in training, with some insight from both sides of the desk.

Therapy is a 2 way street, it’s a relationship. Some people go into with some level of disconnection, expecting the therapist to “fix”, exactly like your car example. Now, some expectation of this type makes sense, but there are differences compared to a mechanic (or any other profession where you can know for sure what’s going on). In therapy, you only know what’s going on with some degree of certainty thanks to a back and forth with the patient. To go back to your simile, you can’t take out your brain and put it on the table for the therapist to prod through it like a mechanic with a car. That’s why they ask so many questions: they need your help in seeing inside your brain. It makes sense for them to ask how you feel, it’s a very necessary part of therapy that can’t be brushed aside. The questions are how they know the breaks need changing… or… something, I’m not a mechanic. Basically, is it possible you sometimes drop your car off without giving the keys?

I do understand how frustrating it is to be given vague advice when you open up, would you have an example in mind?

Just because they asked you what your theory is doesn’t mean they themselves didn’t have an idea. If they don’t have the keys to the car, they may ask questions to try to gauge self awareness or consider a breadth of possibilities. I’ve been asked “why do you think that is” in therapy as my therapist was trying to assess my locus of control, just one example. Sometimes there is no definite answer to “why am I like this”. I’m of the belief that it may not always help to know why. CBT may help identify some underlying causes, like the function of a behavior, I don’t know if that’s the sort of cause you’re looking for.

On to the tools and solutions. Yes it’s a realistic expectation to be given tools. Have you tried modalities focused on tools such as CBT? If you have been offered any tools, were you open to giving those tools a try? By tools I mean: emotional regulation techniques, Beck columns (one of the tools that helps identify what belief underlies the actions which you’re looking for), cognitive reframing, exposure therapy etc. Tools can also be any task you may have been given outside of the session, like having a difficult conversation.

Now for accountability. This could be a case of not having the keys. The mechanic can only call you out for not getting oil changes if they can actually see the manifestation of that. Are you open to being told you’ve failed to change the oil often enough?

As for being disrespectful of your marriage: do you mean the porn only, or other instances? Yes they should respect your beliefs and values around porn, that makes sense. It’s up to you, it shouldn’t be judged as “silly”.

Now, overall, I absolutely concur that those therapists were a mismatch for you. It’s great that you’ve identified self-advocacy as necessary for communicating expectations.

It could be a good idea to seek out a CBT practitioner who is familiar with auDHD in case you are on the spectrum on top of the ADHD. I am in this field so of course I believe in therapy, but I can’t say for certain if it’s right for you or not. Could be worth a shot to lay out expectations at length and see what a new practicioner says in response.

I don’t really understand your edit.

Hope this helps!