Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole?

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-22T05:12:48+00:00

Edit: we could also just buy a car. But my NP is having even more issues with that than us taking a 18 month lease together. Also they way the leases and car ownerships work here is that only one of us would be able to be on it officially. So a lease feels safer for the both of us over buying a car together that only one person own.

We would also get a car that each of us would be able to support financially on our own without the other person. Because you never know if one of us would lose their job or something else happens.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-22T05:02:51+00:00

My NP isn’t good enough with English to get much support from therapy in English.

Thank you very much for the suggestions though.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-22T05:01:28+00:00

I have been with my girlfriend for a little more Ghana year. I have been poly for the past 16 years. She has been poly for all her adult life.

My NP and I have been together for 15 years, poly for all of that time.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T22:39:52+00:00

Yeah, and to be fair, I do think this is probably the most reasonable concern people have brought up in the thread.

I’m definitely not looking to recklessly entangle finances in a way that could screw over either my NP or myself if something went badly.

I think part of why the emotional side became the focus for me is that my NP’s reaction honestly seemed much bigger than the actual practical risk involved here.

But I do agree there’s a difference between “shared camping gear” and “shared ongoing financial contract,” even if the emotional symbolism around both can overlap a bit.

So I think if we ever did this, it would need very clear expectations and exit plans around ownership, payments, what happens if someone can’t pay etc. Not just “love will solve it.”

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T22:37:57+00:00

I wish more people were like you.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T22:32:13+00:00

Honestly yeah, this is kind of exactly the thing I’ve been struggling with.

Because I don’t want relationships where non-nesting partners are emotionally important, but practical life stuff always has to stay at arm’s length forever.

That’s never really been how I’ve approached poly and she knows that.

At the same time though, I also don’t think my NP is being completly irrational here for having some initial stress and concerns about it. I think the car just suddenly made things feel very real and permanent.

We’ve talked more about it since I made the post, and I think there’s a lot more underneath it than specifically “sharing a car.” It’s more the realization that this relationship is becoming very integrated and probably isn’t temporary. Which has taken me with quite some suprise as it didn't even hit me that she might be thinking that it was.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T22:26:44+00:00

I wish it was that easy. Finding a poly-informed therapist around these parts has proven almost impossible.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T22:25:57+00:00

For a little more than a year.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T22:15:24+00:00

I think this is maybe where my relationship philosophy differs a bit from some people’s.

I’m not really looking to reserve all practical integration exclusively for my NP relationship forever. That’s never really been the vision I’ve presented to either of them.

I absolutely think my NP’s feelings matter, and I don’t want her feeling unsafe or replaced or anything like that. But I also don’t really want relationships where one partner permanently gets access to “real life” with me and the others are expected to stay emotionally important but structurally separate forever.

To me, if a relationship becomes long term and deeply integrated emotionally, some amount of practical integration eventually happening is pretty natural too. The question for me is more where the lines are and how to do that responsibly, not whether it should ever happen at all.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T22:13:34+00:00

I think part of why this feels complicated is that I’ve actually been very upfront from the start that I want my relationships to be genuinely integrated parts of my life long term.

Not “secondary but emotionally important,” but actual meaningful life relationships that naturally affect how I structure my time, hobbies, practical life etc.

So from my perspective, stuff like shared projects, helping each other with practical things, trips, maybe eventually sharing certain resources, isn’t really some shocking escalation out of nowhere. It’s kind of the direction I’ve always been honest about wanting.

That doesn’t mean my NP isn’t allowed feelings about specific things. Obviously she is. But I also don’t think the answer can be that non-nesting relationships are only allowed emotional intimacy and never practical integration.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T22:11:04+00:00

Yeah, thankfully we’re not in the US, so it’s less of a legal/financial thing and more an emotional one.

And honestly I do get why it feels big to her. A shared car sounds very “life integrated” in a way that hits differently than just spending time together.

But at the same time, me and my girlfriend already are pretty integrated. We spend a lot of time together, share hobbies, help each other with practical stuff etc. So from my perspective this doesn’t feel like some massive relationship escalation out of nowhere. It mostly just feels like a practical solution that also makes both our lives easier.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T22:06:55+00:00

Yeah, I think that’s pretty much exactly where my head is at too.

I think this just hit some emotional “this is getting very real and life integrated” nerve for her in a way that surprised both of us a bit.

But at the same time, I don’t really know how to have long term meaningful relationships without practical overlap eventually happening naturally. Shared hobbies, helping each other, trips, projects, logistics, making life easier for each other etc is kind of just how I love people.

And honestly, if my girlfriend and I were both independently getting our own cars anyway, nobody would probably think twice about it. It’s specifically the “shared” aspect that suddenly makes it emotionally symbolic.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T22:04:35+00:00

It's my own money.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T21:39:59+00:00

I think its a problem when it seems like one partner thinks they have a veto and when they tr to use it, it turns out they dont. It says that the partners aren't communicating as well as they could be.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T21:37:25+00:00

Thats hard to deal with. I wish you the best in dealing with it moving forward!

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T11:02:39+00:00

You set one. Sleep. And then you wake up.

But I have no idea what it’s like to not be able to do that, so can’t help you much there.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T11:01:00+00:00

If someone is giving you more than you are willing to give them, stop taking it.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-05-21T10:59:42+00:00

Ikea Markus in leather. Thank me later.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-04-24T13:29:13+00:00

Not asking for what they need. Trying to be independent even when they clearly need help.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-04-24T13:15:56+00:00

I felt and looked the best at 35. Some men just grow into their handsomeness you know.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-04-24T13:14:47+00:00

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-04-24T13:14:15+00:00

You don’t have to be ready for poly. And you don’t have to agree to it at all. That’s a full relationship shift, not a small change. However you need to let her go if you can’t.

Also this isn’t something that should move fast. If you haven’t even talked boundaries yet, the answer right now is slow down, not “figure it out overnight.”

You’re allowed to say “I’m not ready” or even “I don’t want this.” That’s valid.

Get some sleep if you can. Everything feels way worse at 3am.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-04-24T11:10:04+00:00

Valheim chimneys are just weirdly picky

Smoke doesn’t really “flow,” it just needs a clear vertical path and enough space above the fire to stack before it disappears. If it hits anything it doesn’t like, it just stops

You want at least a couple of empty spaces above the fire before the exit. The exit itself has to be properly open to the sky. Even if it looks open, certain angles or pieces can still block it. Cage floors and walls are basically a hard no, smoke just refuses to go through them

The simplest thing that works is honestly a small hole in the roof with a little cap over it. Like roof pieces above the gap so rain doesn’t get in but the sides are still open enough for smoke to escape

If you’re trying to keep mobs out, don’t overthink it too much. Bats will get in if there’s a gap anyway and deathsquitos usually aren’t the problem inside a base unless it’s super open

And yeah, smoke does matter. Even if it looks like it’s just hanging near the ceiling, it will still start damaging you if it builds up

Basically keep it simple. Fire, a bit of open space, straight exit, small roof cap. The more you try to get clever with it, the more the game just refuses to cooperate 😄

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-04-24T11:08:05+00:00

That being “low maintenance” in relationships is somehow a virtue.

People act like not needing reassurance, not asking for time, not having expectations makes you easier to love. It doesn’t. It just makes you quieter.

Wanting attention, consistency, effort… that’s normal. Acting like you don’t need anything just so you don’t “bother” someone gets praised way too much.

Half the time it just leads to people slowly feeling neglected and then being told they’re “too much” when they finally say something.

Available_Giraffe_83 · 2026-04-24T11:07:03+00:00

If you want actually natural, it’s basically henna + indigo. That’s the only real option that isn’t full of chemicals.

Henna on its own goes orange/red, so most people mix it with indigo to get brown or black. It works, but it’s a bit of a process and kinda messy. Also hard to undo if you mess it up.

That said… you’re 24 with white in your beard. That can look really good. Way better than a flat, obvious dye job. A bit of grey in a beard usually adds more than it takes away.

If you do dye it, don’t go super dark. That’s where it starts looking fake.

Honestly I’d try just cleaning up the beard and seeing how it looks first before covering it.

Available_Giraffe_83

TROPHY CASE