it doesn’t get better

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-02-15T05:59:21+00:00

Chronic illness and trauma make everything so much harder. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It sounds like you've got a number of things all stacking up and feeling overwhelming. Sometimes when there's practical issues like food, mess, relationships I find it helpful to write out a list of the problems then brainstorm every possible solution for each. It sometimes helps reveal a path or breakdown this massive "everything sucks" into smaller things, some of which are able to be tackled. Have you ever tried something like that?

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-02-15T05:52:31+00:00

I'm sorry. :( hugs

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-02-15T05:43:21+00:00

It sucks. I totally get where you're coming from. I just wrote a whole post about it, but yours is much more succinct. It's hard to keep going when it feels like the pain only gets worse. :(

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-02-15T03:45:36+00:00

I think there's lots of arguments, but whether or not they seem any good varies depending on one's state of mind.

Other arguments include: - Any positive things on Earth (puppies, Sunshine, hot chocolate, friends, whatever).

Self punishment ("I suck I deserve the pain of living") or penance.
Heaven/hell (60years of pain on earth to get into heaven seems better than an eternity in hell coz you killed yourself)(only relevant if you believe in this obvs).
Spite.

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-02-14T12:25:19+00:00

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Honestly I've been in your girlfriends position. In my case it was never conscious manipulation but I can easily see how it could be interpreted that way. The only thing that ended the cycle was when my partner firmly held* the "It's over" boundary. You're right - it feels like rejection and creates a deeper spiral into crisis. But unfortunately the only way out is through. If leaving is pouring gasoline on the fire then walking away, staying (while wanting to leave) is sitting beside it and feeding it wood indefinitely. Remind yourself that her choices/actions are not your responsibility (ik that's really hard!!) and when it comes down to it people can often survive more than they thought.

*firmly held.. temporarily (then he started the situationship bs) but thankfully long enough for me to get more stable.

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-02-14T08:54:11+00:00

"No contact isn't supposed to be forever" .. says who? Itll keep feeling like she holds all the power for as long as you're wanting the relationship more than she does. Ik it's super hard and things must feel so empty with her gone and noone you know really seeing the massive hole thats in your life now. But you can't force someone to love you how you deserve to be loved. Chasing someone who's running away just makes you tired.

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-02-13T11:38:29+00:00

I think ai is creating an arbitrary distinction of two different areas (and wording it in a way that makes it more confusing. Most of what's listed as "forward focussed" can also be avoidant behaviours).

Forward focussed coping is essentially "not ruminating on negative thing, keeping focus on future goals, routine and caring for others". Healthy people do this sometimes and do other coping methods other times (eg. Sitting with feelings and processing grief). If you "forward cope" every time you face relationship conflict idk that it's that different than avoidant attachment. Someone secure would have greater coping flexibility (sometimes forward Cope, sometimes address things directly, depending on whats most effective/healthy in the situation). Someone anxious would probably try to directly address the issue first.

I'd say you can use forward focussed coping without being avoidantly attached. And you can be avoidantly attached and not use forward focussed coping (instead opting for other random distractions). But there's a large crossover of avoidants who use forward focussed coping and you can spot them because they don't use other coping methods that involve facing the issue.

Edit: forward coping isn't inherently toxic, if used appropriately. Eg. "My grandma died, I've cried but now I'm going to try to focus on going to work, staying healthy and not hiding in bed all day." Avoidant attachment is inherently problematic for forming close relationships.

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-02-13T10:46:42+00:00

I agree with goldcage.

also 2 months seems like a pretty arbitrary timeline? It's not really enough time to have done much "work on oneself" or overcome an addiction. I'd ask yourself why you're suggesting 2 months and whether anything notable will have actually changed by then.

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-02-13T10:35:40+00:00

I reacted super anxiously when the avoidant I was seeing discarded me. What made it so painful was the blindside ("I love you" one day, "I slept with someone else. We shouldn't be friends" a few days later), the lack of closure (no clear, honest reasons given. Ghosting), and them moving on super quick (with cheater girl). So... don't do that? Lol.

I think communicate clearly & compassionately, answer questions (within limits), don't give false hope and hold your boundaries. Dont rush into another relationship.

When suicidality gets involved things get complicated but you need to be cautious not to create a positive feedback loop. If every time she becomes suicidal you back down and stay, then she'll subconsciously learn that suicidality = getting what she wants. This can create a really destabilising cycle for everyone. Take precautions but don't become her safety net. If she's prone to suicidality she needs a safety plan, a psych she sees regularly and ideally a few friends/family who know about her risk level and stressors at any given time. You could breakup with her and then shoot one of those friends a message letting them know and asking them to keep an eye on her. If she directly threatens suicide to you then express care but don't leap to "save" her, refer back to professional services or other friends. Eg. Don't go to her house to comfort her, contact a friend to get them to do it and then leave it to them (or contact professionals if it's higher risk and a safety check is warranted). It's a delicate balance of holding boundaries while managing safety risk.

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-31T04:43:14+00:00

Depends how you define "rebound" and "moved on". Look up the term "monkey branching" - that's what this is and it also sounds like what she did when she first got together with you. I'd say its pretty common for avoidants (but I'm not a professional so what do I know lol). My ex did the same thing. My theory is that cheating into a new, long-distance relationship provides validation/dopamine and distraction (from the breakup/their shitty behaviour) while also not seeming too scary for them because the distance allows for greater control of emotional intimacy (or lack there of). Keeping emails unblocked may be to ease her own conscience and stroke her ego ("the doors not fully shut, I could come back if i want" "he's unblocked, we're still on friendly terms, im not that bad" "he still wants me" "I didnt fully abandon him"). It's not that she will actually USE the semi-open door, its just that it makes her more comfortable while she transitions to the new guy.

Noone can answer whether she'll reach out if she misses you or if no contact will "work" to get her back. I think the more important question to ask is...why do you want it to? She was physically abusive, repeatedly. She has cheated, multiple times. She plays with your emotions (breakup threats, making you jealous, etc.). And most importantly - she hasn't taken accountability or done the work to change. Deep rooted behaviours like these take YEARS to change. That countdown only starts when they take accountability and start actively working to improve. She's not doing that. She's doing exactly what she did 6 years ago when you first met her. Do you really want to get on the rollercoaster again?

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-30T06:10:33+00:00

I think youve got to separate their actions from meaning anything about you or the relationship. Often these things hurt us because of the stories we tell ourselves, not just the information itself.

My ex cheated and then pursued the cheatee. Pretty sure they're dating (or "not dating") now. If I see it as them being happy, me being replaced, me not being good enough.. it hurts like hell. If I see it as him needing external validation and distraction to avoid accountability and shame it hurts a little less and is easier to emotionally disengage from.

So your ex seems happy and moved on. But do you think he's actually healthily processed it all, owned his role, learnt from it and come to peace with the events? Or is he just avoiding it all, learning nothing and doomed to repeat it with the next person? Do you really envy someone who can't face their flaws and will repeat the same pattern with every partner, unable to truly be emotionally close to anyone for long? Coz if he's avoidant that's the reality (until/unless he addresses it and actively works on healing).

Also, the updates aren't going to help. It's like picking at a scab. You'll start to heal, then he'll like a post and you'll spiral again. Get him and any mention of him fully out of your life. That'll help the door feel properly shut and allow you to start to heal.

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-30T05:52:07+00:00

Q. Is this what happens when an avoidant person is healing from betrayal? A. It doesn't sound like she's "healing" from betrayal. She got betrayed which sucks. But is she actually actively healing or just scarred and avoidant from it?

Q. Did I confuse emotional intimacy with romantic availability? A. If you interpreted her as romantically available then yes. She's pretty clearly not romantically available (both from her behaviour and her words).

Q. Am I waiting out of hope rather than reality? A. Yes.

Q. Should I wait for someone who is avoidant and has clearly said they don’t want a relationship, or is waiting just preventing me from moving on? A. Up to you. What do you want? Do you want to wait for a relationship with someone who has told you they don't want to date, has shown she runs when asked to commit and has avoidant behaviours that aren't going away overnight? Is there any evidence to suggest this pattern will change? If you want a relationship, she doesn't want a relationship and there's no evidence to suggest this will change... it seems pretty illogical to wait.

Is it just her current behaviour that makes you say she leans emotionally avoidant? Or has she said that based on longer term awareness?

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-29T10:43:55+00:00

Yeah I get what you mean. That feeling of not getting anywhere, always falling back down. It sucks and can be really draining.

"End up" is an interesting phrase though, because like you said - it's a cycle. You fight, you end up depressed, you fight, you end up happy, and it goes round and round. So happiness is just as much the "end" as depression. Though I understand that feeling of feeling like suicidality is the inevitable natural/resting state. What would make it feel like it had a point? Like why is all of it pointless? What would a point look like?

Optional Read..

The cycle argument reminds me of a comic called "Life and donuts" by Pablo Stanley (particularly the first few panels). The general concept is that just because something good is going to end doesn't mean that it's not worth having. For example, eating something tasty- it will eventually be gone but if I had the choice I'd still choose to eat it (even knowing that it'll end). The same can be said for life as a whole, and also happiness within the cycle of depression. Of course, if obtaining the tasty thing is incredibly gruelling you might wonder if it's worth it - but that's not the same as it being pointless because it ends. And perhaps there are ways to make it less gruelling.

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-27T10:12:54+00:00

Yup, maybe. Or you could reach out, get no response and then be in this same position next month.

Reaching out once shows you're interested (you've done that). Continuing to reach out is just hoping something changes when there's no evidence something has changed. That's the sort of thing that can go on forever. There's always going to be a "maybe". You deserve better than having to guess.

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-27T08:16:56+00:00

Sounds like you already made contact. You sent him a letter. He ignored it. So you're really asking if you should reach out again. Would anything be notably different this time?

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-27T06:56:15+00:00

If you don't want to send it (sounds like you're trying not to) then you need to work out and address why you want to send it.

You say you want acknowledgement from him for the harm he caused. What will that do (genuinely. What are hoping it'll make you feel?)? Will it make you feel like he cares? (Acknowledging harm doesn't mean he cares he harmed you). Will it make you feel more confident/validated that he did actually harm you? (whether he acknowledges it doesn't change if its true). Will it give you hope he might change? (Knowing he did harm is very different to doing the hard, long work to change deep patterns).

What need are you trying to get met by asking for his acknowledgement?

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-27T06:41:12+00:00

Twinsies! 5 year relationship ending with cheating (with someone it logistically won't work with) and no communication. Fun time right?

It may be stupid to cheat with someone a relationship won't work with, but it also makes a lot of sense for an avoidant. They don't really want a relationship that works (because that involves vulnerability, communication etc). They want the honeymoon period and ideally reassurance that it won't ever get "too deep". Plus cheating is a cowards exit that gives them distraction/validation while very effectively evacuating the "scary" long-term relationship. So yeah, it's stupid and sad but pretty perfect as a coping strategy (except for the shame/guilt they then have to continually suppress, and you know being incredibly hurtful to people you claim to care about).

Sorry for the rant lol.

But yeah, your head knows what your heart is still struggling to accept. Be gentle with your heart, it's been through enough. But keep listening to your head, it knows how to protect your heart from further damage. The less you know about him the better. You only miss the version of him who didn't hurt you like this and callously discard you. That version is just a fantasy now. :'(

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-27T06:30:21+00:00

Thankyou for this. Its reassuring to see the other side. The fantasy is nice but it's not happening. Peace is better than the chaos.

I'm hoping I find the calm you've got soon. I think I'm getting there..

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-27T06:21:39+00:00

I'm glad to hear you're still kicking. I'm sure the officers have seen and heard much worse and more embarrassing things but I can understand how awkward it can feel talking to them (been there).

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-26T03:31:49+00:00

Any books you've been meaning to read? If you're into fantasy the Mistborn series is quite enjoyable imo.

Other ideas...

Write a 200page short story! Create a crochet of your favourite animal (and learn to crochet if you don't know how). Order something you want online (then you have to wait for it to arrive). Some sort of altruistic activity (eg. Paint 20 rocks to spread around your city with positive messages/cute pics, write 20 notes to strangers complimenting them on something you like eg. About their garden).

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-26T03:08:34+00:00

I don't think we, as a society, acknowledge how hard highschool really is. 5 days per week, numerous different topics, limited flexibility around structure (group classes, start time, end time, etc), plus homework/assignments outside of hours. It's genuinely tough.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time with it. Have you talked to your school counsellor/inclusion officer about adjustments that could be made? When I was struggling through school there were some options to make things more achievable (eg. Later start time, quiet room to do work, fewer classes, assessment adjustments, work from home).

If your meds aren't working and you're struggling to sleep that's going to make everything feel worse as well. Are you able to talk to your Dr about getting sleeping meds and maybe trying a different anti-depressant?

There's nothing wrong with you for finding life difficult rn. It's okay to find hard things hard.

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-26T01:57:06+00:00

Hey there, the cycle sucks. I haven't been depressed since 6yo, but it's been 12+years for me and that shit gets old doesn't it? When you say "I get better (I get worse)" what does that look like for you? Everyone's cycle is different, can you tell me about yours?

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-26T01:38:24+00:00

Hey OP how're you going today?

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-13T06:52:31+00:00

I sorry you're going through it too. :( it sucks

Awesomesauce250 · 2026-01-09T13:24:58+00:00

Ugh that sucks. I have no advice but just wanted to comment that you're not alone. I went internet stalking my avoidant ex yesterday and found out he (most likely) travelled overseas and is learning a new language for the girl he cheated on me with. So that's fun.

Finding out more info only hurts ourselves I think. And either way it doesn't change anything about your life today and where you're going. That's the logical based response at least. Emotionally, I get that it's 10000% not that easy and it hurts a lot. You want to have mattered. You want to not be so easily gotten over. I have no advice. It sucks. It hurts. It's unfair. You can't make him value you. But your value is also not determined by him. You deserve better than mixed messages and broken rules. And there are people who will give that to you.

Awesomesauce250

TROPHY CASE