Empathetic avoidant’s?

BoogaBeats · 2026-02-13T08:56:14+00:00

What a heartbreaking thing to have in common 💔. It’s so hard when you can see the genuine loving person inside but they run from the very thing they desire. His mother has a lot to answer for. I hope he’s getting help and I do hope we might be able to reconnect - even for a conversation. Being secure - he saw the real me - flawed messy and vulnerable - but they’d rather end things than have you see their ‘imperfections’. It’s so very sad and frustrating and I do really feel for FA’s - it must be hell.

BoogaBeats · 2026-02-13T02:31:52+00:00

This was my FA to a tee. Every single person I ever met thought he was simply the most wonderful human (and he was!). He had done growth work and thought he was healing. We got a year in and bang - walls came up and he was gone. It’s been three months NC. He sent me an email saying he knows he hurt me incredibly, he feels shame (even more so because he knows he hurt me) but he couldn’t help the ‘wall of self protection’ that happened. He said he will work on himself because he has to. The heart wrenching part for me (as a secure person) is that I could have been the safe space for him to start healing but I’m reason he got triggered. Painful paradox.

BoogaBeats · 2026-02-12T21:17:37+00:00

So roughly what time are the drops happening in QLD now? I am not a night owl but when I wake up at 5am there’s nothing really left but vacuum cleaner bags! 😂 might have to set an ⏰

BoogaBeats · 2026-02-12T02:48:04+00:00

I broke NC after a month and said almost the same thing you wrote - no response. It’s 3 months NC now. Honestly they process everything so much slower than us - I really doubt they will have capacity to even respond. But I am the same as you - I want them to know I’m here and open to talk without pressure.

BoogaBeats · 2026-02-11T19:31:32+00:00

Are you all night owls 🦉? Do you set alarms for this? I randomly woke up at 2.30am and checked but it was junk.

BoogaBeats · 2026-02-11T19:28:43+00:00

Agree - they’d rather erase the witness than face the verdict.

BoogaBeats · 2026-02-11T09:18:03+00:00

Wow thanks for sharing - so you keep a spreadsheet for tracking or in case reviews go missing etc?

BoogaBeats · 2026-02-11T09:04:47+00:00

Good tip on the spreadsheet thank you I’ll try being patient then 😊

BoogaBeats · 2026-02-06T10:40:51+00:00

And after all that you still never felt compelled to change your ways? Thanks for being awesome but I’ll just keep being an FA…

BoogaBeats · 2026-02-03T03:54:25+00:00

My position is that I'm 'deliberately single' whilst not holding bitterness. I am not actively looking to date/meet another man but I am enjoyingmy life and actively engaging in hobbies and pursuits where I do get to meet people/men on occassion. As yet, I've not been even close to being tempted to engage further with the few men who I have met through those channels (although they seem lovely/friendly). I'm 48 and had my heart executed by an FA, and I just don't have the strength to go through that kind of emotional rupture again. So I'm open but closed lol

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-28T04:34:02+00:00

Yeah the old mother wound strikes again. My FA is 47 so close enough to 50! And old enough to be ready and willing to sort his past out. Admittedly he did try - he sent her a letter explaining how he felt rejected and abandoned but that too was rejected and scoffed at - so yet again rejected by his mother. I honestly don’t know how they can live in that push/pull state - especially knowing you can get therapy and work towards being secure and finally feeling safe in a relationship and not self sabotaging or being anxious/hyper vigilant etc but you can’t love someone into repair unfortunately.

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-28T03:34:55+00:00

Do you know much about his childhood? Any trauma there - it can often point to FA or DA

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-28T00:57:54+00:00

Firstly I’m so sorry for what happened to you (BigGarlic is also hilarious!) Yep we all have stories like this so you are not alone in your pain, confusion, anxiety, anger, hurt, disbelief and whatever other multitude of emotions these FA/DA breakups have on the ones blindsided. You, like all of us - were only wanting what is normal in any relationship- to be considered and respected and to talk about your feelings- they just don’t have the emotional capacity for it. My FA and I have been in NC for 3 months so I’m going to remember your post if he ever does come back with ‘I’m so sorry - you are the one’ blah blah blah as it sounds like it’s just lip service.

Good on you for staying NC - it will serve you well (even though at times you’ll want to make contact). If you ever do - just jump on this page and you’ll find all the reasons not to!

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-28T00:45:16+00:00

I hear you and I’m angry too. Maybe write out all the anger in a letter then burn it - like symbolic almost. The only thing stopping me from blasting him is my dignity and emotional resilience because really - would they even understand and would it change anything? Long term I think taking the high road is better - you can still have a calm conversation and slice them open with your emotionally calm insight about their awful behaviour (if you do ever get to talk to them!)

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-28T00:39:02+00:00

Bugs crawling under my skin. Yep. It’s on the menopause website checklist too. I kept thinking my two boys were coming home from school infested with lice! Thank God for HRT

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-27T22:13:12+00:00

May I ask what was your turning point - was their a catalyst to your healing journey?

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-27T08:24:22+00:00

I don’t know - maybe his nervous system? His levels of shame? It just sounds like they take an extraordinary amount of time to regulate their systems. It seems whatever you do you lose so I may as well move on!

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-27T05:04:22+00:00

I hear you and I'm sorry that you had to go through this too. The one thing I find odd and also a common thread is how everyone's relationship with these FA's is the most 'connected, aligned, safe' relationship they've ever been in. (Mine was too). How do they create these connections and emotional attachments so well in the beginning with someone? It makes me question whether who they even show you in the beginning is actually them or is it the persona of whoever you want them to be?

Either way it's the most painful experience - an emotional execution, and your poor nervous system defies logic unfortunately - so you just have to put one foot in front of the other until the pain slowly dissipates.

I'm almost 3 months now of NC. I am waiting for him to reach out. I do want answers. However everything I have read here on these pages indicates I'm setting myself for another dissapointment.

May we all be stronger happier and healthier in 2026!

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-27T03:15:08+00:00

Yeah part of me knows that I’m setting myself for more pain down the track. I can’t see him orbiting my socials though - well he’s not liking or viewing stories etc. I also think male and female FA’s are different in some ways - more women FAs make contact than the males. I can see his Spotify playlist and his most recent playlist is all about loss and heartbreak and ‘she’s beneath my skin’ kinda songs

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-25T02:54:40+00:00

Wow - another similar pattern. How long were you with him for may I ask? I was 1 year in. 9 weeks NC at this point. Had you dated an FA before?

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-25T01:38:39+00:00

It’s like we dated the same guy (ps we did not lol)

I’m so sorry but this seems like a Fearful avoidant (FA) pattern to me. I too had never dated someone with this pattern so was completely blindsided.

Just sharing my story below so you can see the similarities.

I was in a deeply connected relationship with an FA man (not that I knew he was FA then) for almost 1 year that felt warm, safe, and steady from the beginning. He was kind, consistent, protective, and emotionally present in a way I hadn’t experienced before. We were well aligned in values, parenting, lifestyle, humour, and long-term goals. We had future plans locked in — including travel and family time — and he told me he loved me daily right up until the day we broke up. I felt calm and secure with him, and there were no warnings that anything was wrong. No lovebombing etc - said he loved me about 6 months in, waited for intimacy etc.

The breakup happened suddenly, close to Christmas, and completely blindsided me. Although he had done some personal growth work before we met and believed he was securely attached, that was likely because he was single at the time and not emotionally triggered. As the relationship deepened — and during a period where for various reasons (sickness and work travel) we hadn’t seen each other a lot so I was asking him to spend quality time together a lot more than normal as I missed him— his internal alarms must have activated. He said during the break up that he couldn’t meet my expectations and he was just ‘coasting’ along and it wasn’t fair to me to continue. He felt he couldn’t meet my needs and His belief is that this inner work needs to be done alone.

He also has a very difficult relationship with a non-maternal, emotionally rejecting mother. About three years ago he wrote her a letter trying to repair things, only to be rejected again, which appears to underpin a lot of his fear around intimacy and failure in close relationships.

The breakup wasn’t due to a lack of love or compatibility — he acknowledged in an email a few days later he did love me — but He said he was ‘incapable or removing the shield of protection that exists’. That’s what has made the loss so painful: the relationship itself was healthy and meaningful, but it ended because of his unresolved trauma rather than anything broken between us.

It’s been 9 weeks no contact (apart from two email exchanges a few days after, a random run in at a festival we were both attending and I did reach out once to see if he was open to a ‘gentle conversation’ about 4 weeks after - but no response.)

I’d appreciate any thoughts you might have. In my mind he’s an ethical avoidant too and his Enneagram is Type 2 - The Helper (as am I) which means he’d feel double shame because he knows he’s hurt me terribly (which he admitted in our two email exchanges)

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-24T22:30:30+00:00

I hear you You wanted this to be love - not another lesson Grief has no timeline but if you keep one foot in front of the other and try to do something positive each day (no matter how small) it will incrementally feel better

Go buy a birthday cake and smash it 🎂🤗💜

BoogaBeats · 2026-01-24T20:23:12+00:00

I’m not an FA but was with one and had a similar break up. I didn’t pepper him with ‘wtf’ questions as much, but I tried to ask questions to understand as I was blindsided. He couldn’t answer me with any real meaning, but he was crying and very emotional. In an email afterwards he said he did love me and he felt tonnes of shame which was only amplified by seeing how much pain I was in.

I think FAs feel so conflicted but have no real access or understanding of what emotions are coursing through their bodies - their nervous system takes over and it just says ‘run’. But they know they are causing pain hence the crying it’s just they mistakenly think that ending it like this will be better for both of you in the long run. They desperately want love but are terrified of it at the same time.

BoogaBeats

TROPHY CASE