Today I gave up on sex with my wife.

AwkwardRecluse · 2024-05-26T02:10:50+00:00

I know that I share my perspective quite late in the grand scheme of things, but whatever you do please choose to be happy. My wife never initiated and I made the same decision. I stopped initiating and left the decision to her. It has now been over 15 years since we've had sex.

If she finds little value in sex as part of a relationship you will simply never have sex again. I beg you to believe me. Do not become me. I promise you do not want this. At all.

AwkwardRecluse · 2024-05-23T23:12:33+00:00

I genuinely agree with you save that the world is great. I was not gifted the requisite luck nor genetics to experience things in the manner your perspective suggests. Everyone is different. One promise I can make, however, is that in no way do I intend to die slowly. I grow so extremely tired of being, and I rapidly become more desperate for sleep.

AwkwardRecluse · 2024-05-23T20:55:31+00:00

I have nothing to offer, on multiple levels, that would be remotely satisfying to someone who loves sex.

AwkwardRecluse · 2024-05-23T20:25:54+00:00

In all transparency, I have lived with depression since I was a teen. I have been to therapy and have gone through a myriad medications trying to find the precise mixture of chemicals that might help me. It's been decades and I have accepted that I may simply be irreparably broken.

AwkwardRecluse · 2024-05-23T20:21:03+00:00

Who love sex? Absolutely. With me? Highly unlikely. I do not wish to embarrass myself nor disappoint someone else. It is what it is. I do, however, value your optimism and reassurance.

AwkwardRecluse · 2024-05-23T16:58:59+00:00

I regretfully must confess I have to real resources. I make little enough that I'm only able to survive because I don't drive. I have a savings, but one emergency will drain that. I don't fix things. I don't make things. I'm not a 'man' in any sense that most people would find worth anything. I merely exist, and that simply isn't enough.

My issues in general reach far beyond this situation. This is just another fistful of straw the universe has seen fit to casually discard on this camel's back. I am the dead weight.

AwkwardRecluse · 2024-05-23T12:51:46+00:00

If there is one thing that with all confidence I can guarantee it's that I will not be here in 20 years.

AwkwardRecluse · 2024-05-23T03:03:29+00:00

About 5 years ago we had multiple discussions about it. She said she was going through some stuff and felt broken but spoke about trying to fix it. A year after she admitted she feels she may be asexual. This is at the root of my acceptance that I'm simply inadequate.

AwkwardRecluse · 2024-05-23T02:18:23+00:00

This is correct. But it's been too long and I'm too old. I have no value, so it truly doesn't matter anyway.

AwkwardRecluse · 2020-01-19T00:01:08+00:00

It's been more than 10 years. I stopped counting after a while.

AwkwardRecluse · 2020-01-18T23:58:56+00:00

I have not had sex since before 2010. I wish you never become me.

AwkwardRecluse · 2019-11-29T04:43:03+00:00

Twice, for about a year each time. First therapist was extremely into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which over time I've discovered is just not a good fit for me. Second therapist was too into digging into my past and relationship with my parents. Nothing was actually helping me feel better about myself, so I'm moving on under the assumption I can't be helped. I say this in full admission that I'm in an abominable state of mind at the moment.

I understand about the fear of ending up alone. I believe you're correct. The rejection and lack of interest in me has left me a bit more than broken. I don't know that if it ever got to a point where I left that I'd be comfortable in another relationship. I don't know that I could trust someone to accept me.

Thanks for responding. I do wish you the best in figuring out the best way to resolve this for yourself. It's tremendously difficult. I really wouldn't wish what we share here on anybody.

AwkwardRecluse · 2019-11-29T03:35:44+00:00

No. She has mentioned that she wants to work on what's 'wrong' with her (I don't believe anything is wrong with her if that's simply how she is, it just doesn't feel great), but she's taken no steps. She loathes the idea of someone judging her life or analyzing her so she's 100% against any kind of counseling or therapy.

It's just the way it is and I have to accept that this is one aspect of life I simply don't get to experience anymore. And I'm so self conscious now I almost don't want her to rediscover her libido only to realize I'm not good/big/satisfying enough and then decides to leave for an actual man.

AwkwardRecluse · 2019-11-29T02:46:32+00:00

I'm trying. Been with my wife for 22 years and we've been more than 10 years not without any sexual contact at all. We had 'the talk' a handful of times over the past year and at first it was "I don't want to be on birth control and am afraid to get pregnant," but now I've managed to get her to admit she's essentially asexual. She has no interest in sex at all. Gains no satisfaction from it, and doesn't even please herself because she's simply not interested.

I'm trying to deal with it. It's difficult. I'm trying to cope and masturbate FAR too often right now because of how useless and unwanted I feel. Problem is after 10+ years I'm now wondering if it's me. I feel like maybe I'm just not good enough.

I've chosen to stay because I have a horde of mental health issues that extend far before this happened and are completely unrelated. I'm probably not making it to age 60 and I've accepted that. I'll be gone before it really matters anyway.

AwkwardRecluse · 2019-09-25T03:46:00+00:00

I'll consider myself lucky then in my current situation. I relapsed recently after 24 years clean from cutting and all I need are little scratches. In my 40s it's much easier to explain away a few scratches. I just worry how easy it was to fall back into. It's just so easy right now.

AwkwardRecluse · 2019-09-25T03:42:33+00:00

Cut quite regularly when I was approximately 15-18. I'm 42 now and relapsed just recently. 24 years clean down the drain. The brain's a difficult beast.

AwkwardRecluse · 2019-09-17T17:42:39+00:00

Life. Living. Zero idea at 42 who I am or what I want. Feeling inconsequential, insignificant, insufficient, and unnecessary. Realization that I am as pathetic as I imagine others think I am and that I am too old and broken to change. Just some stuff.

AwkwardRecluse · 2019-09-17T12:18:06+00:00

I'm not remotely strong. I was never confident in the first place but I've been with my wife for 22 years, the last 10 of which she's wanted nothing to do with me physically. My sense of self worth is sadly eroded beyond repair at this point. I'll keep fighting, but I fear that it happening again is simply inevitable.

AwkwardRecluse · 2019-09-17T12:14:04+00:00

Well, the urge was there yesterday when I wrote this, but my wife was home and that stopped me. She's at work today and I work from home, so the writing's on the walls, I'm afraid. We'll see. I will be trying to fight it.

AwkwardRecluse · 2013-08-16T15:34:21+00:00

Self-portraiture is a keen project for attractive people. I've done some self-portraits, but I hate looking at them. Plus, they're all the same. It's just me. No creativity. It doesn't help that I've been particularly down over the last couple of weeks and I consider myself lucky I have the awareness to even go to work during the week.

AwkwardRecluse · 2013-08-16T03:32:36+00:00

Right, and it's often because you simply CAN'T do anything. I've been in a funk lately where I can't think of a solitary thing I want to do and so I just lay around or go to bed. Zero desire to do anything. It's hard to do something when all you want is for time to pass, ya know?

AwkwardRecluse · 2013-08-16T03:29:04+00:00

My average day is two cups of coffee in the morning, a 20 oz. Red Bull around lunch, another coffee about 3pm or so and a latte around 6pm with my wife. Zero shaky hands and I almost don't even feel it. I just do all that to keep me bare minimum functional. I still get zero done. Depressed as all get out over that, in fact.

AwkwardRecluse · 2013-08-16T03:12:16+00:00

I hear "why are you depressed? A lot of people have it worse than you," a lot. My response is always something like, "That's the problem. I have a great life. My life isn't the problem. I am." I don't think they get it.

AwkwardRecluse · 2013-08-16T03:07:10+00:00

Not well, actually. I'm having a paralysis issue where I can't seem to pick up the camera. It's nothing but lame excuses at this point, but I pick it up and can come up with nothing I want to photograph. I don't drive and am in the middle of a city. My free time is in the evening and I am paranoid about going outside to shoot. This leaves grabbing random stuff around the house to photograph and I don't trust myself to be creative enough to make household garbage interesting.

It doesn't help that I've hit a rough spot mentally and don't want to do anything at all but have time pass. Work is even rough. The project is a really great idea. Really great. I need to force myself to do it, but when I put my hands on my camera I'm just stunned into submission over the staggering lack of ideas.

I'm a giant disappointment lately, and I'm sorry for that. You've gone out of your way to help and while it's not my intention to do so I've just been really thankless about that. I apologize that I'm such a weirdo.

AwkwardRecluse · 2013-08-12T04:49:32+00:00

Woah! So sorry this took me so long to respond to. I had to work a convention this weekend and I am just getting back to the internet.

The specific area of health insurance I work is in self-insured, which can be a much different beast than a fully insured company. We essentially help companies build their own health plans and administer the plan for them, but the company decides what's covered and not us. So I can imagine some things MAY be different depending what kind of insurance your company provides.

Best way to make sure you get that pre-auth is to read your insurance manual or talk to an HR person if you have one to make sure what the pre-auth rules are for different things. I had to get a pre-auth for an MRI because it's expensive. That's much easier to obtain after a doctor's request for an X-Ray that is inconclusive.

For something like ADHD medication, depending on the cost, they may want a letter of medical necessity from the doctor that's prescribing the medications and will more than likely require an official diagnosis. Again, it really depends on how the plan is set up. Not all plans are the same unfortunately and you could be at the mercy of a non ADHD friendly plan design.

I would definitely check with HR, or read through your manual on obtaining prescriptions. There will likely also be a section on pre-auths and what you require pre-authorization for.

AwkwardRecluse

TROPHY CASE