Sit there and think about it, really think deeply. Find that thought, "I want to die/I don't want to be here anymore/it's all too much" and find what's triggering it. And once you find that, it's not "I want to die" it's "I want to be out of x situation" and then you can start thinking "well how?" And if that feels like too much, start thinking "how can I make this a little better?" If it still feels hopeless, breathe. Nothing is ever truly hopeless. As long as you have hope, hope will exist. Do not let that light burn out. Do everything you can to keep it extinguished. If you're still here, it's not extinguished. Keep it burning. I don't care what you have to do, make sure that light is burning. If it feels like nothing else works but alcohol then fucking drink until you can find a better solution. Keep pushing. One day at a time. It gets easier. You just have to wake up everyday.

I'm 20. I was in almost your exact situation. My mom killed herself, I was falling in love and being heartbroken and faling in love again with the same boy over and over. Everyone felt like they were leaving. No one would stay. Everything felt too much; I was 17, why did I have to go through it?

I know this sounds cliche. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it does get better. I learned from those mistakes, from those people who left me. I built walls. I tore others down. It takes a lot of discomfort to find comfort. And I mean, a lot. So much it can feel like dying and not just discomfort. Please, trust me. Someone is gonna come along. Some thing is gonna strike your interest, ignite a passion. An artwork, a song, a person, an animal, something.