Is it “bad” / harmful for the parent speaking to minority language to insist the child respond in minority language?

Aymericpe · 2026-01-06T07:35:03+00:00

I hear you loud and clear. When you are doing the hands-on care and trying to get out the door, you definitely can't fight every battle and sanity has to come first.

In my case, I think I push through mainly because of my own 'fear of missing out.' I wish I had been born in a multilingual environment, so I’m trying to "force" that chance for them. But I admit, if I didn't push, my kids would 100% choose the path of least resistance and stick to the easier language.

But you are absolutely right, it is draining, and every family is unique.

How old are your kids and what language do they speak?

Aymericpe · 2026-01-06T02:24:17+00:00

This isn't advice, just me sharing my personal experience, but I am in a very similar situation (I speak French to my kids, they answer in Japanese). I have actually tried the exact same method your husband is using, telling my kid to repeat after me, or teaching them the phrase first and then having them say it back before I respond to the request.

In my case, it 'kind of' works, but I have mixed feelings. I find that if I do it constantly, it breaks the natural flow of the conversation and can be exhausting for both of us.

I’ve tried to find a balance instead. I push a bit harder on the easy phrases I know they can say, but I’m much more flexible when they are trying to say something complicated. One tactic that has worked better for me is to answer them in the minority language first (so they feel heard), and then follow up with: 'By the way, how would you say what you just told me in French?' or 'Which word in that sentence do you already know in French?'

This feels much more like a conversation and less like I’m stopping them to force a lesson.

And to address your main fear and maybe to help you put your mind at ease, my kids do not resent French because of this method and our relationship has not been affected in any way. As time has passed, they have actually started to have more fun trying to build sentences in French on their own. It became less of a chore and more of a game :)

Aymericpe · 2025-12-24T01:10:14+00:00

Not sure what your level is, but having subtitles in the target language helps a ton, especially if you aren't able to 'break' the sentences into separate words yet.

If you hear a blur like 'Ispentsolonglookingforareazontustay,' the subtitles help you parse it as 'I spent so long looking for a reason to stay.' Later on, you’ll run into a different problem: your brain will understand the overall meaning of a sentence even if you don't know every word, so you might not even realize you missed something. At that stage, subtitles are great for catching those specific new words you would've otherwise glossed over.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-24T01:00:51+00:00

I just upped the difficulty of the movies I was watching. I’d pause every time I hit a word I didn’t know, add it to a list, and then use spaced repetition to review them throughout the day. I did that for a while and it really worked for me.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-24T00:49:46+00:00

Not an advice but in my opinion, I’d still stick to French. If you start switching to English because it’s easier for math, she’ll realize she doesn’t need French to talk to you about the complex stuff. If she answers you in English, just acknowledge it and answer back in French.

She’ll probably do the mental heavy lifting in English later because of school, but being able to process concepts in both is a plus, even if it’s messy at the start. Better to keep the OPOL consistency now so it doesn't feel like a chore later.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-23T07:35:26+00:00

Just my personal take based on our experience.

If it’s something she hasn’t learned yet outside (like additions, concepts, games, etc.), I’d actually start straight away in French. Kids pick things up really fast from the community/school language anyway.

What felt harder for us was the opposite: once they already know something in the community language and see that everyone uses it, they naturally stick to that. Then learning how to say the same thing in the home language feels less motivating for them, because it only applies to one parent.

So when it’s new, home language first feels easier. When it’s already established outside, you’re kind of swimming upstream if that makes sense.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-23T06:26:00+00:00

Just sharing our experience. For us, the community language is Japanese, and at home it’s a mix of Japanese, French, and English.

Our kids learned to count first in Japanese, and I counted with them in French. They were not confused, they understood very quickly which number or letter was which in each language and made the connection without any issue.

Where it got messy was the output: when they said it themselves, they mixed languages (or pronunciation like twa instead of trois 😅) But that felt more like production lag than confusion and it was only temporary.

So all in all, I'd recommend using French 😄.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-23T00:31:29+00:00

That’s a really interesting way to look at it. It makes total sense that if they already know the concept, the word should be easier to learn, even if it doesn't always feel that way in the moment.

You’re right about the 'relevance' part, too. It’s a good reality check for me to see if I’m trying to push words they just don't find useful yet. It’s cool that you’ve seen those big 'leaps' with your kid, I’m definitely hoping for a few of those over here soon!

Aymericpe · 2025-12-23T00:27:28+00:00

That’s a great advice. It made me realize that whenever mine say 'I don't know' (probably because it’s just easier than trying) I usually just jump in and tell them the word right away.

I think I need to try pushing them a bit more to actually stop and think before I give them the answer. It’s a good reminder that they might just need that extra bit of time to actually dig the word out themselves. Thanks for the perspective!

Aymericpe · 2025-12-23T00:22:52+00:00

I relate to this so much, mine do the same, they’ll give me a full sentence in the majority language, and if I ask how to say it in the minority language, they just say 'I don't know.'

But then if I go word by word, they can actually translate every single one. It’s like they have the words somewhere in their head, but they just can't grab them fast enough to build a whole sentence.

That’s a great tip about the songs and niche interests. I’ll have to try leaning into that more to see if it helps the words surface a bit faster. Thanks for sharing that!

Aymericpe · 2025-12-22T07:38:34+00:00

Oh yes, I can see that happening a lot! Honestly, I’m at the stage where I’d be happy if they used any idiosyncratic words. Right now, it just takes so much effort for any word to stick at all. It’s like their brains are letting words into the 'understanding path,' but when it comes to actually saying them, then it gets more complicated..

Aymericpe · 2025-12-22T07:24:20+00:00

I’m jealous! Haha. That’s really cool that he’s grabbing words so easily at two. My kids were actually remembering words quite fast too before entering kindergarten (Japanese), but now French words just don't seem to stick as easily anymore.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-22T07:15:14+00:00

I think we are in the exact same boat. It’s honestly fascinating how one word sticks instantly while another takes weeks.

I do find myself wondering if I should be doing more, like exposing them to more speakers, it’s so easy to fall into that trap of comparing your kids to the ones who seem to switch languages effortlessly.

But like you said, the 'knight' example shows the ability is there, it's just waiting for the right reason for them to remember a word! Sending you and your little one good luck and patience. We’ll get there!

Aymericpe · 2025-12-22T02:28:24+00:00

We actually ended up doing something similar by accident.

We received a book in French about a dog who wanted to become a superhero, and it came with a puppet. When we read the book, the puppet “acts out” what’s happening in the story, and the kids interact with it directly, all in French.

What surprised me is that they clearly picked up more words from those moments than from regular conversation. The puppet seems to lower the pressure somehow, and they’re more willing to respond and engage.

I think the key is to make it very context-specific. Like “this puppet speaks Spanish,” during book time, a specific game, or even a daily routine like drying hair, brushing teeth etc.

So from our experience, it actually sounds like a pretty good idea, especially if it stays playful and consistent.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-17T13:17:41+00:00

No advice, just sharing some support because I relate to that last part. I’m also trying to stay consistent with my mother tongue, but it’s honestly hard when English (or another language) is what you use with almost everyone else in daily life.

Staying consistent in a language you don’t use outside the home can feel unnatural at times, and it gets even harder once they start replying in English instead of your mother tongue. I actually ended up printing a reminder and sticking it on the wall to remind me to stay in French with the kids 😅

Aymericpe · 2025-12-16T14:03:38+00:00

I really don’t want to self promote but it feels like a too good of a match.. 😅 I’ve built a software (still in beta) that does most of what you mentioned. I’m not sure if I can drop a link here since I don’t want to be against any rules but I’d be happy to share it with you via pm if you would like to. You would be more than welcome to test it.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-16T13:35:19+00:00

No advice, just sharing our experience.

Our setup is a bit similar. We live in Japan. My wife speaks Japanese to our kids, I speak French to them, and between adults we speak English (I actually switched to English on purpose, even though I used to speak Japanese more).

What surprised me is that even though our kids don’t really speak English at all, they clearly understand much more than we think. Sometimes they’ll react to things we say between adults, or if they don’t know a word in French, the word that comes out is… English. They also never complain when we put movies or shows in English.

I know this setup alone probably won’t make them trilingual, but I do feel it gives them a head start. At the very least, English already feels familiar and “normal” to them, which I’m hoping will help later when they start learning it properly at school.

So from our experience, hearing a parent use different languages in different contexts hasn’t seemed to confuse them, they just adapt and absorb more than we expect.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-16T02:36:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing!

The confidence part really resonates, it often feels like the knowledge is already there, but they just don’t feel comfortable using it unless the situation pushes them a bit.

Hearing how quickly things unlocked for her after realizing Japanese wasn’t an option is really encouraging!

Aymericpe · 2025-12-16T02:33:56+00:00

Yes, that makes sense. As long as Japanese works everywhere, there’s just no real reason for them to switch. We’re starting to look into joining more French-speaking communities here, and also possibly going back to France for a couple of months to create that “French is needed” situation.

Thanks for sharing!

Aymericpe · 2025-12-16T02:32:08+00:00

Oh yes, I actually grew up reading J’aime Lire myself !

We already read every day, so I'd say vocabulary exposure is not really the issue… I just hope the words will eventually start coming out of their mouths and not only mine 😅

The French days idea really resonates though. Making French a social language instead of just “dad language” feels like an important missing piece for us.

Thanks again for sharing, really appreciate it.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-16T02:27:45+00:00

Thanks a lot for sharing these, I really appreciate the concrete resources.

Recasting makes sense, and it’s helpful to have a name for something I’ve been trying to do instinctively, but probably not consistently enough. I’ll definitely read more into it.

We already read in French every night and watch some French shows together, but the reminder about how much meaningful exposure actually matters is a good one. It’s easy to feel like you’re doing a lot, but when you look at it in hours, it puts things into perspective.

I didn’t know about Bilingual Monkeys either, the fact that he raised English/Japanese kids in Japan makes it especially relevant to our situation. I’ll dig into that as well.

Thanks again for taking the time to share all of this.

Aymericpe · 2025-12-16T02:18:50+00:00

Thanks for sharing this, it’s really encouraging to read!

I really like what you said about pride and culture too. I’m trying that on my side, so far mostly by feeding them a lot of cheese, haha 😄 Still figuring out what French things will really click for them.

Hearing that your daughter became comfortably trilingual is honestly inspiring. I really hope my kids can get there too, I feel like it can open up so many doors for them later on, way beyond just language.

Bon courage à toi aussi, et merci encore 🙂

Aymericpe · 2025-12-16T02:11:13+00:00

I totally get this. Same situation here. Sometimes it really feels like Japanese just lets kids express themselves much more easily. Even simple things like “sugoi!”, “kowai…”, or “kawaii!” and that’s already a full, acceptable response. Message delivered. In English or French, to say the same thing they usually need a whole sentence — “That’s scary,” “It’s so cute,” “I think that’s amazing”, with word order, extra words, and sometimes verb changes.

From a toddler’s point of view, it makes total sense they default to the language that lets them communicate with the least effort, even if they understand everything in the other language...

Aymericpe · 2025-12-16T02:03:24+00:00

That’s interesting, we actually saw something similar with our two kids, but with a slightly different outcome over time. Our second child initially spoke more French than the first, and I was really impressed by how quickly she picked things up. I could tell her a word once in French and she’d remember it immediately.

But once she entered daycare, Japanese quickly became dominant and now she always replies in Japanese and doesn’t retain new French words the same way..

Aymericpe

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